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pinkjess815
500 M Embraced 4
PathStep 3 Compassion hearts16 Forum posts2 Forum upvotes5 Current upvotes5 Age GroupAdult Last activeApril, 2018 Member sinceMarch 10, 2018
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Christian and feel like my life does not matter
Anxiety Support / by pinkjess815
Last post
 January 23rd, 2019
...See more I feel like my life carries no significant purpose. I never do anything for God that I think actually will matter after this world is over and done. I have really bad social anxiety, and it is very hard for me to talk to people. Since it is so difficult for me to talk, I never tell anyone about Christ. My social anxiety is so bad, I can't even go to church anymore because I have not been in so long and I have no one to go with me. I constantly feel people are judging me and making cruel accusations of me when I am around. "She's weird," "Why does she talk like that?" "She smells bad" etc. and it makes me want to hide and stay in the house all day. My only interactions with the outside world have been riding my bike and visiting my older sister and her family on the weekends (and I mostly just babysit the kids and don't talk much so it isn't really satisfying interaction for me). I just work three days and then spend my weekends at home, alone. I sometimes talk to my brother but we just stay in our rooms when we are home. I know Christ is coming back soon, like really soon. It's so evident in all of the current events that are happening all around the world, right now. And it scares me to death because I have no done virtually nothing to show for it. I have led no soul to Christ. I have told no one the plan of salvation one-on-one. I sometimes think about how I'd like my life to end up, years from now when my body is rotting underground. I picture a girl who learned to overcome her insecurities and went through hell trying to open herself up to people again and soon found out she impacted more lives than she thought through faith. I picture a girl who fully surrendered her life to God and obeyed what He told her to do while she was on earth. I picture a girl who went to the lowest ends of the streets and ministered to the homeless and fed people with not just food but with the truth of God. But all of that...seems so far away. And I'm so scared. I'm a wimp full of cowardice. I could never step foot in a church without feeling like people are judging me. I could never have the guts to approach a stranger with the gospel and have a conversation that leads to faith. But I want it all so bad. I've wanted it for years. I feel like it is my calling in life--but I literally cannot imagine myself doing any of it due to fear. Is it worth even hoping for? I wonder. I just want my life to mean something to somebody. I want to leave an impact on someone's heart before I die. I just want to make something meaningful of myself for God. I mean, dude. I feel like a paper bag floating in the wind while everyone else seems to be finishing 1st place in the race of life. When I am sleeping in until noon while somebody my age is flying on a plane to Africa to feed the hungry. When I am washing dishes while somebody is out preaching on the streets. I can't help but feel jealous and angry. Is that so wrong? Is it a sin that I want my life to MEAN something? I want to WORK for God! But instead I am stuck in my meaningless self-perceived box of nothing where I will reside for who knows how long.
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