Christian and feel like my life does not matter
I feel like my life carries no significant purpose. I never do anything for God that I think actually will matter after this world is over and done. I have really bad social anxiety, and it is very hard for me to talk to people. Since it is so difficult for me to talk, I never tell anyone about Christ. My social anxiety is so bad, I can't even go to church anymore because I have not been in so long and I have no one to go with me. I constantly feel people are judging me and making cruel accusations of me when I am around. "She's weird," "Why does she talk like that?" "She smells bad" etc. and it makes me want to hide and stay in the house all day. My only interactions with the outside world have been riding my bike and visiting my older sister and her family on the weekends (and I mostly just babysit the kids and don't talk much so it isn't really satisfying interaction for me). I just work three days and then spend my weekends at home, alone. I sometimes talk to my brother but we just stay in our rooms when we are home.
I know Christ is coming back soon, like really soon. It's so evident in all of the current events that are happening all around the world, right now. And it scares me to death because I have no done virtually nothing to show for it. I have led no soul to Christ. I have told no one the plan of salvation one-on-one.
I sometimes think about how I'd like my life to end up, years from now when my body is rotting underground. I picture a girl who learned to overcome her insecurities and went through hell trying to open herself up to people again and soon found out she impacted more lives than she thought through faith. I picture a girl who fully surrendered her life to God and obeyed what He told her to do while she was on earth. I picture a girl who went to the lowest ends of the streets and ministered to the homeless and fed people with not just food but with the truth of God.
But all of that...seems so far away. And I'm so scared. I'm a wimp full of cowardice. I could never step foot in a church without feeling like people are judging me. I could never have the guts to approach a stranger with the gospel and have a conversation that leads to faith. But I want it all so bad. I've wanted it for years. I feel like it is my calling in life--but I literally cannot imagine myself doing any of it due to fear. Is it worth even hoping for? I wonder.
I just want my life to mean something to somebody. I want to leave an impact on someone's heart before I die. I just want to make something meaningful of myself for God.
I mean, dude. I feel like a paper bag floating in the wind while everyone else seems to be finishing 1st place in the race of life. When I am sleeping in until noon while somebody my age is flying on a plane to Africa to feed the hungry. When I am washing dishes while somebody is out preaching on the streets. I can't help but feel jealous and angry. Is that so wrong? Is it a sin that I want my life to MEAN something? I want to WORK for God! But instead I am stuck in my meaningless self-perceived box of nothing where I will reside for who knows how long.
@pinkjess815
According to the Christian bible, god doesn't judge things the same way humans do and also it isn't so much what or how much you do as being loved just as you are. Obviously that's not the way you've been made to feel by a lot of church people but that's really what it's supposed to be about. You have the desire to do good things and I think that counts for an awful lot.
Consider this quote from Mark 12:41-44
41 Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. 42 But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a few cents.
43 Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, Truly I tell you, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. 44 They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything—all she had to live on.
And you know maybe it is mundane but for this world to be a bearable place to live someone has to do the dishes. Consider this quote by P.J.O'Rourke "Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.
@PenguinPower31
This really helped me feel a bit better. I like that quote ! and thanks for reminding me about the story of the widow and the coin. I forgot all about it. I appreciate you taking the time to read my post and respond.
@pinkjess815 im sorry to hear this. I just had to reply because i was going through the same not being able to spread the gospel thing a year ago. i used to heat about how we must share the gospel but it was so hard for me. i tried putting bible verses on sticky notes and posting them in the bathroom because i was too awkward to talk to anyone. but now ive just completely fallen from christ and it bothers me. I feel like my heart is being hardened and im not sensitive to sin anymore. Im sorry that this wasnt any help but im glad I could find someone who I could relate to in the gospel thing.
I can totally understand. I was supposed to go on an LDS mission almost 2 years ago. I left for the missionary training center (the MTC) and I got so sick that I had to be sent home or else I would be admitted to a hospital. I felt like such a failure. I felt like I would not be able to do anything for God because I got sick and I went home. On top of that, my anxiety got so much worse and I could barely talk and make friends. I didn't know what to do and I couldn't see how He would ever use me to help others. But, just this last summer I actually was able to meet someone at school. We became really good friends and now we're best friends. She just barely reached out to me to help her learn more about the gospel because she couldn't understand it all and it overwhelmed her.
I almost started crying because she's giving me the opportunity to do what I have always wanted to do. I had to wait for almost 2 years for this to happen to me.
Just know that no matter what situation you're in, God can always use you. You never know if you may meet someone and help them learn about the gospel. Or maybe you may help someone just by smiling at them or being kind. You can always reach and help others just by living the way God teaches us to live.
You never know who you are going to help, and maybe you will help someone on this app find their way! No matter who you are or what your personality is or what you do, God always finds way to use us to help others. Yours may just take some time. ❤️
@Wanderer21 that was a touching story, thanks for the uplifting response! 💕
@thxlma17
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You say that you don't spread the word of Christ, but it seems like you're telling us about Him right now. I'd say that's got to count for something :)
