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powerfulEyes7598
138 M Embraced 1
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts8 Forum posts3 Forum upvotes5 Current upvotes5 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 1970 Member sinceJanuary 29, 2015
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What do you do when you don't feel like getting better?
Depression Support / by powerfulEyes7598
Last post
 February 1st, 2015
...See more I had been doing so well just a few months ago, but I've fallen back so hard. Being happy takes so much energy, and I'm tired. I don't want to just be blindly happy, I want the root of whatever this is I'm feeling to go away. Those seem like two distinct outcomes. Problem is I don't know what said root is.  I keep coming back to finding myself wanting something bad to happen to me. I don't want to actively hurt myself, but I feel like I deserve pain. 
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The past two days: Rooted in traumatic experience but there's more than that
Trauma Support / by powerfulEyes7598
Last post
 December 12th, 2016
...See more Hi, first post here. I hope I'm in the right place. I tried the live chat but the pressure to phrase my thoughts instantly was too much. Night before last the heating unit in my friends' apartment clogged, resulting in carbon monoxide in the building. Luckily they had a functioning detector and they're fine now. Despite that, I haven't been able to shake this fearful feeling regarding it the past couple days. A lot of it has to do with several years ago when I watched one of them nearly die. Now a lot of emotions I felt then are being stirred back up. I have a constant headache, my chest feels heavy. And even though I'm well aware it follows no logic, I feel guilty that it happened to them and not me. The correct thing to think would be "I wish that hadn't happened at all," but I find myself falling for this false dichotomy that it had to happen to someone, and it should have been me instead of them. I have a logical side and an emotional side so to speak, and they are heavily partitioned and rarely agree with each other. I know that harm to me won't help anyone, but somehow I feel like something bad needs to happen to me now to atone. I have had many feelings of idiopathic guilt in the past, and this is just a slightly more extreme case of it alongside the fear and everything else involved. I'm well aware that there's nothing to feel guilty about, but that doesn't stop me from feeling it. Guilt may not be the best word for it, but it's the closest I can think of. In short, even though everything's fine, I can't stop feeling scared and I can't stop feeling guilty. 
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