purplePear5194 Member Profile

...See more I feel like I’ve been going through whatever im going through for as long as I can remember. At least from the age of 12. Idk if its depression or PTSD or maybe I’m just lazy like my mum used to say🙃. Today is so hard, I slept at 4am, woke up at 8am. I managed to get up and do the washing up and hoover but I just literally can’t do anymore. It’s like my brain hurts at the thought of doing something, even something good. I self medicate with some green and imagine I have been so demotivated and demoralised that I literally couldn’t even get up to smoke - which actively makes me feel 10 x better by the way. I had to get chatgpt to convince me to move my *** like why am i so pathetic? I hate myself so much and the hate just grows day by day. No matter what I do I cant shift this feeling. No matter what I do I’m never content or calm. I started gym again recently which is the only thing thats been keeping me breathing for so many years but have only been doing beginner workouts cos i was off for nearly a year due to 2 injuries. Pec tear and also what I recently found out a degenerative knee condition - Im only 26, physically healthy and trained/lifted weights on and off my whole life so this blew my mind completely when I found out. Anyway, on Wednesday i did my first proper workout with heavy weights. Had a great day, even took my dog for a long walk and actually enjoyed it. Then yesterday everything turned to *** again. I didnt eat, I didnt sleep so of course today my muscles are completely destroyed. Im not complaining about that cos im kind of enjoying the pain a bit but im not happy about the fact that I was starting to stick to it you know and then it all *** up in 1 day. It’s just so demoralising. So its now Friday, my brain is fried, my body is fried and I find myself super depressed and unable to find any motivation, yet I still don’t want to admit that there’s something wrong with me and all im doing in my mind is telling myself im a lazy piece of ***. The ultimate question is why am i like this? and why does no one else around me understand?

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