Sinking
I feel like I’ve been going through whatever im going through for as long as I can remember. At least from the age of 12. Idk if its depression or PTSD or maybe I’m just lazy like my mum used to say🙃.
Today is so hard, I slept at 4am, woke up at 8am. I managed to get up and do the washing up and hoover but I just literally can’t do anymore. It’s like my brain hurts at the thought of doing something, even something good.
I self medicate with some green and imagine I have been so demotivated and demoralised that I literally couldn’t even get up to smoke - which actively makes me feel 10 x better by the way. I had to get chatgpt to convince me to move my *** like why am i so pathetic?
I hate myself so much and the hate just grows day by day. No matter what I do I cant shift this feeling. No matter what I do I’m never content or calm.
I started gym again recently which is the only thing thats been keeping me breathing for so many years but have only been doing beginner workouts cos i was off for nearly a year due to 2 injuries. Pec tear and also what I recently found out a degenerative knee condition - Im only 26, physically healthy and trained/lifted weights on and off my whole life so this blew my mind completely when I found out. Anyway, on Wednesday i did my first proper workout with heavy weights. Had a great day, even took my dog for a long walk and actually enjoyed it. Then yesterday everything turned to *** again. I didnt eat, I didnt sleep so of course today my muscles are completely destroyed. Im not complaining about that cos im kind of enjoying the pain a bit but im not happy about the fact that I was starting to stick to it you know and then it all *** up in 1 day. It’s just so demoralising.
So its now Friday, my brain is fried, my body is fried and I find myself super depressed and unable to find any motivation, yet I still don’t want to admit that there’s something wrong with me and all im doing in my mind is telling myself im a lazy piece of ***.
The ultimate question is why am i like this? and why does no one else around me understand?
@purplePear5194
You are not lazy.
They don't understand because it's not their lived reality.
You need support to work through what you are feeling and then youll have some answers to enable you to live happer in your daily life.
You matter.
The gym is a great source of stress relief, happiness and exercise and a way to just be away from all the negativity 💕💜
@purplePear5194
I don't want to give any advice, but your situation seems complicated. It seems to me that there are two main aspects: physical and mental. First of all, you don't believe in yourself, you sabotage everything you do and can't get it together, right? And you blame yourself. Of course, this doesn't mean that it is so, but most likely you are under the strong influence of some past events, because of which you feel at rock bottom. After all, in reality, your life doesn't look super terrible, you do some things and live life, but you don't believe in it and set the bar high. This often happens when someone demanded a lot from us in the past. And I don't know if this is about your situation or not, but you should do only what you can. It's normal if there is no super motivation. Step by step, a little. People with depression do not get out of bed for years, so you are still normal. And the second aspect is physical. In sports, as in life, it is difficult to immediately get back into the old rhythm if you have not done anything before. I think you agree that it takes time, but the main thing is to believe in yourself. In the end, no matter what, hold on, you have the right to be yourself!
