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qn777
1 85 M Embraced
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts7 Forum posts3 Forum upvotes4 Current upvotes4 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2018 Member sinceMarch 2, 2018
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i don't want to live anymore
Depression Support / by qn777
Last post
 May 21st, 2018
...See more hello. i never do anything like this. most of my life is facade. i go to high school. im a junior. im a guy and my direct friend group is guys. i call them "emotionally inept." that is because they are. they are unable to understand pain, like that which i go through. that is why as much as possible i try to reach out to people and make genuine connections. my father died when i was 12. that event shaped my life. i started developing major depressive thoughts and pretty severe anxiety. i take fluoxetine. i smoke weed. im addicted to nicotine. i drink alone sometimes. i do anything to remove myself from how i feel. i do anything i can to make myself not feel alone. i have a really niche hobby that i'll omit for privacy reasons. but anyways i have a job that i have because of this hobby that i work monday and friday and saturday for, and i make pretty good money for someone my age. on tuesdays and thursdays i volunteer at an elementary school. i cant explain how i feel. i feel empty. so empty. whenever im alone i stare at the ceiling, wishing for nothing more than a release. since my father's death, i started making music. its been 5 years now, and i think that ive been able to express my emotions into poetry and song. im going to link a few, not for attention, but just in case you would like to know how i feel in the context of something i created in the midst of it all. https://instaud.io/1Q5Z https://instaud.io/1m9A https://instaud.io/1KcP some things that have happened in my life recently include a really involved relationship that ended sourly because she had something come up in her life and she couldn't do it anymore. it ruined me. we were in love. and i know what "love" means. yes im young. but i promise you that this was a connection, not a naive high school endevour, but it was something real. once it ended i was incredibly sad. at this point i started reaching out to people. and i got better. but now, everyday i think of suicide. ive lost motivation to go to college. i dont care about school anymore. i started cutting. i still fake hapiness (although its not always fake) around my friends at school. i keep thinking to myself "im going to die soon." its not even a question of whether or not i will do it. its like i know im going to do it. and ive accepted that. i dont know what to do. im scared. im hurt. i just want release from this. i genuinely don't want to keep feeling like this. i dont want to be alive.
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