i don't want to live anymore

@qn777

Hi. I also struggle with chronic suicidal ideation. I've thought "I'm going to kill myself," "I won't be here then," and plenty of other similar thoughts. I just had a therapy session in which my therapist expressed her frustration. She feels she has offered up plenty of ideas and I've not taken them. I found it very hard to take them, when they depend on what she tells me: "you have to want to live, I feel like I'm the only one working to keep you alive!" She was. Wanting to live is not something you can do when you're really really down and the disease of depression has given you suicidal ideation. I just had a breakthrough after our session. I read about how therapists get frustrated with plateaus, because there should be a beginning, middle, and end to therapy. I had so given up on the idea that I would ever overcome my frequent suicidality, that I wasn't actively working on the problem like I would if my problem were something I thought I could impact. I've been in treatment for a while, and have found a medication that works for me. That one gave me a bad side effect, so we're looking for another. It's probably only a matter of time until I find something that helps me get out of depression, even though I think I'll feel this way forever since I have for 7 years. There will be a day when you no longer want to kill yourself, when you find a treatment that works. If you can see that, and do everything you can to bring that day closer, you'll see that you do have some power over this illness and you don't have to feel this way. You're not powerless. Keep trying medications. Pull out the big guns and go to day treatment (I'm doing that this summer). Try rTMS, ECT, or other heavy duty treatments. Try to convince yourself you want to live, that's the first step. I'm trying to do that now. Fill out the Reasons for Living Inventory, and talk to a therapist about how you can gain more. Write letters to your sadder self on a slightly better day. Ask a therapist to teach you adaptive ways to dull the emotional pain. Read the section on Autonomy, Rationality, and Responsibility in this paper on philosophy to give yourself some doubt about your own rationality: https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/suicide/#MorRatSui. Those are the things that are helping me.

Hello Hun,

as I was reading this it really hit home because I too suffered very very similar feelings. I did not have a parent die but I had/have a very ill parent who I had to wonder every night, 'is this the night she'll leave me' , my parents fought all the time and it made me so mad I just couldn't understand why things were so bad.

Some stuff happened to me that I couldn't tell anyone, people came into our lives to literally destroy it, I didn't understand and just lost hope, First when I was 7 and was going to take my life in the kitchen of our home but something stopped me (I don't want to offend but I just want you to know I believe in God and Christ and I grew up in the church, this didn't change what I went through except help me through) but I felt it was an angel because I heard 'Wait, not yet' I told my mom this and she didn't think an Angel would said not yet, but she didn't understand that it was what I had to hear at the time. It was a few weeks later than I found out I was going to have a sibling and that helped me hand on a little longer, things got a little better and then went back to the same thing and I began to feel lost again, around 12 I wanted once again to end my life, I felt I was more of a problem than anything, someone taking up space, but then someone at my church was talking about how suicide was a bad thing and at the time I was too scared to make God angry so I resorted to other things. I buried myself in music, poetry, I wrote everything i felt on paper but though held me out I still struggled. I didn't have any 'Real' friends, my 'best friend' betrayed me, and I just felt completely alone. by the time I was 15 I had started burning myself, scolding myself and starving myself. Around this time I fell for a guy who still holds a place in my heart (15 years later) but we were separated and I was heart broken... I honestly can only contribute still being here on my faith which after a while died as well, I tried to fight the darkness, I reached out, helped others through their problems, tried moving on and made my entire being to help others to escape the pain I felt everyday, I got hurt over and again by people who claimed to care about me, who claimed to love me and then I finally couldn't take it anymore.

The only way I can explain how I felt was that I died, I turned off everything, the only reason I kept going was because people needed me but I was no longer there, I woke, I ate, and talked, went through the motions, slept and then did it again. But even though I thought I was keeping up the act people I was close too were hurting but I didn't understand why, I was doing everything I was supposed to but somehow I was hurting them, because I had lost myself I was more of a insensitive robot rather than the caring person I once was. Then I came to realize something... I could be the victim and just take my life, or I could take the wheel again and make a difference in this life while I have one. Life is a gift even when your delt stuff you think you just can't handle, but rather than allowing the world to completely break you, you can fight and in all honesty it's worth it.

Being a human really means you have to work, life is not a free pass, suffering builds character, trials build wisdom, I have found out that because I went threw things I was able to actually save someone elses life because I understood when no one else they knew could, I was able to be an ear and knew how to deal with situations and not run the other way like others would, for quite a few I was that one person that changed their lives and that made it worth it, knowing that my life is connected to so many others and if I had killed myself at 7... well those people might be dead today. We are all connected, there is no worthless life.

look at it this way, if you took your life how many others might you be sacrificing? If you don't fight how many others will follow your example? If you take yourself out of it you might see that your life is way more important than you know or could even realize and something amazing is waiting for you, but if you cut it short you'll miss out on it.

Its like a new artist trying out for an audition... A person can't be turned away because the first notes are rocky, because they can have a big finish and show huge potential. You are still in your auditioning years, there is so much more life to grow and become strong. Keep fighting my friend, be active and I promise things can change if you allow it. I'm going on 31 years old and I don't regret anything I went through, I'm glad I went through the fire because I am a stone for so many others. Its not easy but life gives you moments that make it totally worth it! Much love, praying for you~

I'm really sorry that you have to go through this. I've felt this way too, so many times and it's unbearable. I'm a junior in high school too, and there's so many people that don't seem to understand emotions or depression at all.

I just want you to know that you're not alone. This is depression that's talking to you, and it will use anything to bring you down. I think of it as dark, gray clouds covering up the sun. It's dark and lonely, but you know they're going to pass, and you'll see the light again.

One thing that my therapist said I could do was acknowledge it. For example, the depression comes along and you start very down. So you acknowledge that this is depression. It's not your fault you're feeling this way, it's the depression.

I know everyone says this, but I say this so genuinely. It will all make sense again. I have felt hopeless and suicidal several times in my life when nothing seemed to go my way. But when I was on my last leg, something would happen and it all shifted. It's like making one of those really huge puzzles, where there's so many pieces you don't even know where to start, so you give up for a while. But then you come back determined, and everything suddenly clicks as more pieces stick together.

I really hope you get better. Me and so many other people are here for you! Sending hugs and hope your way! <3

Don't give up. You might have only one match but you can make an explosion!

@qn777
i have constant suicidal thoughts and ive tried multiple times like 14 maybe and im going to say it isnt worth it plus i have been in mental hospitals alot