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quickwittedTiger5729
183 M Embraced 1
PathStep 2 Compassion hearts26 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes11 Current upvotes11 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2024 Member sinceJuly 25, 2024
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I’m trying to cope…
General Support / by quickwittedTiger5729
Last post
 August 6th, 2024
...See more I’m trying not to exaggerate when I say that I have every mental illness under the sun. I have been diagnosed with autism, ADHD, OCD, anxiety, depression, and chronic insomnia. And, just because my life was difficult enough already- I am also a lesbian. I have spent my entire life being told that I would “grow out” of my “quirks”, that I would start liking boys, and becoming just like other kids. Which really means that I have spent my entire life knowing that something was wrong with me. I thought that I was irreparably broken and there was nothing I could do other than to just try to hide my problems for as long as I could. I thought that my life would be easier now that I am finally done masking. My family knows that I’m queer (even if they don’t really acknowledge it), and now that I have been formally diagnosed with everything listed above they have started to understand my mental health a little more. I thought that I would feel this great burden lifted off of me now that I didn’t have to pretend to be straight or neurotypical, but my mental health has gotten worse than ever. My insomnia is worse than it’s ever been and I can barely sleep more than three non-consecutive hours a night. My OCD has been on a steady decline since I started my new job. My dad is incredibly stressed out because he just invested in a new business. My dad takes his anger out on my mom who just argues back at him until they are both *** off and taking it out on everyone around them. My anxiety is through the roof trying to walk on eggshells around them. And now to the event that kicked off my mental breakdown and subsequent downloading of this app. I had a fight with my dad about politics a few hours ago. I won’t go in to all the details but sufficed to say he made it extremely personal towards the end and I had to leave before I started crying. I got back to my room and had the worst panic attack of my life. I was hyperventilating so badly that I threw up. I just sat there with this panic attack for nearly an hour. At some point, maybe twenty minutes in, I managed to put on a “Listen to this if you’re having a panic attack” Youtube video, but I was still so shaky that I could barely understand it. I had some rather dark thoughts that I haven’t had in a months and haven’t seriously considered for a few years. I finally managed to calm down enough that I could call my aunt and ask her to start talking about her trip to Canada. I’m not even close to my aunt, she was just the only person that I thought would pick up the phone. I am so close to my mom, but she always just tries to mediate between me and my dad and I cannot deal with her telling me to apologize. I feel this embarrassing, childish urge for my mom to stroke my hair and tell me that she is on my side, but I know she won’t do that. I have a brother who I have never gotten along with that kickstarted this who ordeal by wearing a hat promoting a certain reprehensible political candidate. Plus, due to my laundry list of mental illnesses I have never been able to make or keep friends. So I need you to believe me when I say that I have no one. I have tried therapy many times over the years and it has never helped me. I have a psychiatrist that I talk to, but my next appointment isn’t for another week. I take meds for depression/ insomnia, OCD, and AHDH, but none of them are working at the moment. I already sent my psychiatrist a message about changing my meds or possibly going to an inpatient facility. I am a deeply cynical person. I do not need any empty words of “It will get better” or suggestions to try meditation or just have an honest conversation with my parents. I have tried everything that I could try. This is simply a last resort. I have been trying so hard my entire life and nothing gets any better. I am not giving up and I do not need to call any crisis lines, I just need something to change. Please can someone just give me some advice other than “Just try to take deep breaths”. I am so exhausted.
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