I’m trying to cope…
I’m trying not to exaggerate when I say that I have every mental illness under the sun. I have been diagnosed with autism, ADHD, OCD, anxiety, depression, and chronic insomnia. And, just because my life was difficult enough already- I am also a lesbian.
I have spent my entire life being told that I would “grow out” of my “quirks”, that I would start liking boys, and becoming just like other kids. Which really means that I have spent my entire life knowing that something was wrong with me. I thought that I was irreparably broken and there was nothing I could do other than to just try to hide my problems for as long as I could.
I thought that my life would be easier now that I am finally done masking. My family knows that I’m queer (even if they don’t really acknowledge it), and now that I have been formally diagnosed with everything listed above they have started to understand my mental health a little more.
I thought that I would feel this great burden lifted off of me now that I didn’t have to pretend to be straight or neurotypical, but my mental health has gotten worse than ever. My insomnia is worse than it’s ever been and I can barely sleep more than three non-consecutive hours a night. My OCD has been on a steady decline since I started my new job. My dad is incredibly stressed out because he just invested in a new business. My dad takes his anger out on my mom who just argues back at him until they are both *** off and taking it out on everyone around them. My anxiety is through the roof trying to walk on eggshells around them.
And now to the event that kicked off my mental breakdown and subsequent downloading of this app. I had a fight with my dad about politics a few hours ago. I won’t go in to all the details but sufficed to say he made it extremely personal towards the end and I had to leave before I started crying. I got back to my room and had the worst panic attack of my life. I was hyperventilating so badly that I threw up. I just sat there with this panic attack for nearly an hour. At some point, maybe twenty minutes in, I managed to put on a “Listen to this if you’re having a panic attack” Youtube video, but I was still so shaky that I could barely understand it. I had some rather dark thoughts that I haven’t had in a months and haven’t seriously considered for a few years. I finally managed to calm down enough that I could call my aunt and ask her to start talking about her trip to Canada. I’m not even close to my aunt, she was just the only person that I thought would pick up the phone. I am so close to my mom, but she always just tries to mediate between me and my dad and I cannot deal with her telling me to apologize. I feel this embarrassing, childish urge for my mom to stroke my hair and tell me that she is on my side, but I know she won’t do that. I have a brother who I have never gotten along with that kickstarted this who ordeal by wearing a hat promoting a certain reprehensible political candidate. Plus, due to my laundry list of mental illnesses I have never been able to make or keep friends. So I need you to believe me when I say that I have no one.
I have tried therapy many times over the years and it has never helped me. I have a psychiatrist that I talk to, but my next appointment isn’t for another week. I take meds for depression/ insomnia, OCD, and AHDH, but none of them are working at the moment. I already sent my psychiatrist a message about changing my meds or possibly going to an inpatient facility.
I am a deeply cynical person. I do not need any empty words of “It will get better” or suggestions to try meditation or just have an honest conversation with my parents. I have tried everything that I could try. This is simply a last resort. I have been trying so hard my entire life and nothing gets any better. I am not giving up and I do not need to call any crisis lines, I just need something to change. Please can someone just give me some advice other than “Just try to take deep breaths”. I am so exhausted.
You are definitely not alone. I, along with many others here struggle with a variety of things. Some of us, I can only really speak for me, struggle with pretty much everything. There is no magic words or cure for me. However continuing to reach out while being understanding about the others here who are struggling with their own issues as well, has helped keep me afloat. Just putting my carefully worded thoughts into written words has helped me. Try and stay calm and I hope you find everything you need to get back on stable ground.
Hello. I am so sorry to hear that you are going through a lot and thank you for sharing with us. It seems like you are walking on eggshells around your parents and you don't feel safe. Oh and you want change? That's great. Are you able to go to school or libraries, cafes by yourself? Avoiding the triggers as much as possible might help. I'm glad your aunt picked up her phone and you can talk to her. I assure you that you are not alone ok. What do you think of joining support groups?
@quickwittedTiger5729 Looks like you have done a lot of exploring. Your need to reduce symptoms is understandable. It is rough being in the middle of uncertainty and continual disappointment. Coming to a resolution can seem like a never ending process and leave a person feeling helpless and misunderstood. I get the impression that all you are wanting is to be heard and gain some compassion for your ongoing struggle. 7 cups is just the right place for that experience. I hope the professionals in your life also take the time to listen to your concerns and come up with a treatment that you will find relief with. Please know that it does not mean you have given up to reach out for help in an inpatient setting if you feel you have run out of options. Even though keeping your head above water day by day can feel overwhelming at times, you are obviously doing your best and having to take it day by day or even moment by moment is okay. You’re doing a great job continuing to prioritize yourself and advocating your needs. You are always welcomed to talk more in depth about what it is taking you to get through all your challenges. Listeners are here for you 24/7 and will welcome you with open arms. You can look through each listeners experience level in their Role and also with the topics you have. Thanks for reaching out and trusting the community to be non-judgmental. Hope you connect with someone soon.
@quickwittedTiger5729
Welcome, Tiger,
It looks like you’ve gotten a lot of meaningful feedback from some of our best 7 Cups participants. I hope it has helped and encouraged you to feel less alone.
I also wanted to make sure that you know that we offer emotional support forum communities specializing in everything you listed, as well as group support chat rooms.
I hope the distress has started to ease a bit. Please don’t be afraid to set some firm boundaries and protect yourself during this time, and that includes family members.
Hope to see you around.
💕
Have you tried the Holy Spirit? He's good with this sort of thing. He's a counselor. He's kind and sweet and gentle and supportive and he's available 24/7. He's super strong and can handle anything. And he understands sexual problems and mental problems and relational problems. He's also really funny and cute. He's got wings too. He can protect you
