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This is going to be a long post... so please bear with me..
I'm 34 this year. In my family, I am the eldest child (out of 2) and my younger brother is 6 years younger than I am. I've always felt my mum favoured my lil bro over me. And I never mentioned it to her, until today. I know without a doubt that she loves me but when there is a situation that she needs to pick or choose between us it will always be him.
So what happened this time? Well my dad's business wasnt doing so well the past couple of years and with covid on top of it all, things went downhill. I was helping my dad with the house mortgage payments and household money as much as I could for the past 4-5 years until I was left with no savings but I still did it because it was the right thing to do. At times I also took up a loan to help out, withdrawed from my retirement plan scheme etc.. My lil bro couldnt help as he was still a student back then. But just a few days ago my dad reached out to me with the same problem, and this time I also agreed to help out, but I asked my parents if we can let my lil bro know about this. He is now a working adult, 28 years old and he should know too, even if he doesn't contribute. Although he is earning much more than me as he's working overseas and I think he definitely has the ability to, I didnt want to push it, I just asked that he be informed of our family problem.
This was when my mum got angry. She doesnt want him to worry about things back home (he is working overseas while I work out of state), what if he got depressed (he had history of depression 8 years ago but he has been well since then). What if he gets depressed and his girlfriend leaves him. Although this has happened to me before (her shielding/protecting or whatever you call it my lil brother) her reaction this time somewhat surprised me. I expected her to get angry if I had refused to help my dad and instead asked him to ask my brother for money. But not even letting him know?
All these years as the big sister/eldest child I was always the first person they come to when they had problems; any health scare, money issues they will first come to me, i will try to sort it either myself or us 3 together and when everything is okay and settled, then they will let him know under the excuse he is overseas, dont want him to get worried or stressed. I knew they did this because i was the eldest and expected me to be resposible, at times i did feel it was unfair but I kept quiet and did it anyway.
Today I asked my mum if she thinks I never felt stressed, worried? How can you only think of his feelings and not mine? Yes I have never told you how I felt all these years but that doesnt mean I dont feel them, or I dont feel stressed about it. She said she is aware of how I might have felt but still, she doesnt want my brother to worry at all. She doesnt want anything to happen to him and if he takes the news the bad way (ie depressed) his girlfriend might leave him. Or if anyting bad happens to him we cannot reach him due to travel restrictions. I told her after all these years what I actually felt, I felt scared and stressed about these problems but I still did them anyway. I never complained but all I ask is that he should know about our family problem and he shouldnt be kept in the dark.
She threatened to stop helping me do things for me. Before the pandemic I used to travel home to my hometown once or twice a month to settle some home related stuff for my own house (I own a house near where they live). Yes my mum does help me run some errands now and then since the pandemic started for things that can't be settled online and need someone to be physically there. But I never took it forgranted and I am always greateful for her help.
My mum started saying that I am different from my brother, I am not as emphathetic as my brother so I can take the stress better than him. These kind of news will affect him alot, while it won't affect me. And that she is so disappointed in me for being so calculative.. and she threatened to stop helping me at all. And that I have never given her any pocket money (I used to give a small sum to my parents every month but after I depleted my savings helping my dad I will give her money on ocassions like birthdays and christmas and at some months when i have extra, just not monthly). And finally the most hurtful words came out...she said that I am jealous of my brother that hes in a relationship (i'm single) and that he is working overseas and I want to jeapordise them all. To this i responded that she wasnt being fair and she really didnt care about my feelings at all. I even said if pocket money is the issue my brother doesnt give her monthly either but she responded that he has only worked for a 2 years while I have worked longer.
Throughout the conversation I was so hurt, disappointed and felt so betrayed. I can't believe she was bringing up things like pocket money, the errands she did for me. Was I asking for too much? I thought after telling how I felt, she will somehow understand a little. My mum kept saying throughout the conversation she loves us both but there is always a "need to protect your brother's feelings" part into this. When i told her that her behaviour isnt fair she said I was calulative. And the conversation ended with "ok fine tell your brother anything you want but dont ever ask for my help again."
This has happened quite a few times since we were young but it was always because he is still young, he is still studying dont distract him so I sucked it up. But today when i felt that hes no longer a little boy and he also no longer a student.. and i opened up this is what i got. Don't get me wrong I love my mum and dad and I am always grateful for what they have done and given me.. except for this part. I am the big sister, it is my responsibility forever.
I'm really sorry this is so long but I felt that I need to get the whole story out. And can someone let me know if I'm being mean to my parents for saying this to them? My mum especially? Or if anyone went through the same thing what are your pointers on this? Just need someone's opinion, someone who is not in this situation.
P/S: My dad told my brother about the problem and as I expected my brother said, ok sure let me know if you need help I will send money right away (as any child will do), but my mum doesnt want to talk to me anymore :(
