raindroporchestra Member Profile

...See more (this is incredibly long, so only read if you have the time. there are some trigger warnings: bullying, self-harm. I think that's it. thanks if you decide to read it. if not, have a nice day) ((like, seriously, this thing is long)) I have two best friends that are so close to me, we call each other our siblings and have gotten mistaken for them as well, by classmates and teachers alike. My "sister" doesn't apply completely in this situation, but she does come in. Her name will be Diana. My "brother" is what this is all about. His name will be Aden. I've known Aden since second grade. All the kids were mean to him because he had stress problems and threw up about once to twice a week. I took him under my wing and basically told everybody to back the heck off or else there would be consequences. We were in separate classes for third grade, so we grew apart, but then we got really close when we hit fourth. We've been like siblings ever since. Now, like siblings, we tease each other all the damn time. I call him an idiot or yellowblood (if anyone gets that reference) and he calls me short or dumb (which I can be). but it's all in good fun, and if he hurts me, I tell him, and he stops. If he acts strangely when I use certain names then I ask if he's fine with me teasing him about it. If not, I don't use it again. We had fleeting crushes on each other for most of fifth grade, but I stopped liking him at the beginning of 6th, and he never made any advances then or since. In seventh grade, I was getting bullied hard. This one kid, whom I will call Syd, teased me by calling me names that weren't nessecarily offensive. The context in which he used them made them derogatory, and he used them as an excuse to treat me like human garbage. I am quite a hot-headed person, but I don't normally let people like him get under my skin unless they torment me in the long-term, which Syd ended up doing. But it wasn't jsut me that he bullied, either. He called other girls worse things than me. He called them actual derogatory terms. One day, the most popular girl in my class ran into our room in tears, legitimately sobbing, because Syd had called her fat, among a few other names. That was when I snapped. I've been bullied and emotionally abused for long periods in my life, I can take a moron calling me dumb names. But when he makes another kid cry, HELL no. My mom wanted me to stop telling people this next part, but I really don't care. I asked a girl in my class for her scissors and she gave them, asking "Why?" I couldn't help my crazy face from smiling, so my other friend ran up and said "Don't give them to her!" and then they realized that I was going to go try and stab Syd. They took the scissors away and sat me in a chair until I calmed down enough to not go on a killing spree. All I have to say is Syd was damn lucky he wasn't in the room at that time. The last period we had PE, and I was so emotionally drained that when Aden walked in, I just sadly waved him over to the spot I was at, muttering a weak "hey". --quick interruption-- I talk to Aden a lot, but he had never really confided anything in me at this point. He knew what Syd was doing to me, though. --done-- So Aden, this 5'1" scrawny-ass kid goes up and pushes Syd. Naturally, since Syd was probably about twice his weight and size horizontally, shoved him back and to the floor, yelling "Don't push me, boy!" There was a heck ton of aftermath in which Aden got a detention from the school, ice cream from his mom, and the biggest hug I've ever given anyone before. The point of this rant is that pushing my bully was the bravest and most meaningful thing Aden has ever done for me. Now, we're in eighth grade, and I've told him about my mental problems. Anxiety, depression, ADD, and possibly some form of BPD. This past week I finally told him about my self-harm and how I had a relapse. Aden is not one to normally like "deep" conversations, but he took it so well that I nearly cried in relief. Confrontation is so hard for me. This is where Diana comes in. I normally tell her about my stuff, and she normally tells me about hers. And something I would never admit anywhere else except on an anonymous website is that her problems seem much more serious than mine, and I absolutely hate it. Honestly, her problems are. I've gotten so close to calling child services on her mother numerous times. But that doesn't make me feel any less horrible. She tells me about how her mom made her cry because she didn't do X menial task and her mom started screaming, then goes, "So, need to talk about anything?" and of course I don't have anything near that, so I just mutter, "nah I'm fine." I've frankly lost some of my trust in her, just because I don't feel like my problems are worth complaining about. Mine are all internal. They rarely leave outward marks. But I'm rambling. The point is, I do my absolute best to make sure that Diana can feel better. In return, I tell her about my self harm, and she goes freaking ballistic. I kid you not, Diana's solution of helping me overcome self-harm was to threaten me. Actually threatening to come over to my house in the middle of the night and yell at me if she found any new scars or weapons. I told her I'd stop, but it all just made me feel worse. I stopped telling her about it, and continued for a few weeks until I managed to have a clean period of almost two months. I recently had a relapse and I was feeling so horrible. I tried to go to Diana again, but she just continued to threaten me, and I now refuse to go to her anymore. This is when I told Aden. I also told him about how he took it much better than Diana, and he agreed that her methods were not very good. That was earlier last week, though. Since I mentioned my self-harm to Aden, I've noticed he's been... nicer? Like, we still joke and call each other names and stuff like normal, but we had a trip to the high school a few days ago and he was being really sentimental. He said he wouldn't want to go to this particular highschool if i wasn't there, because it wouldnt be any fun without friends. When we were at lunch, I saw a sign about foods that made you prettier, and one was cinnamon. "Oh my god, guys, look!" and he and another kid in my class read it. "I eat a bunch of cinnamon!" and then I flipped my hair. i said something along the lines of, "i'm so pretty!" and Aden agreed with me. It actually surprised me, because i cant rememebr him saying anything like that to me at all. there have been a few other small gestures, and I don't know why. this huge backstory will either help or hurt my advice, but i needed to write everything out. anyways, my question is could Aden be acting nicer because he finally knows how fragile I am? Or is it because he's finally starting to open up to me a bit like I open up to him? Or, although I intensely doubt this, there is a possibility that he could like me? Is he just doing it because???? am i overthinking again??????? I'm so freaking confused! if you've gotten this far, you basically know my life story now. so, any advice? should I ask him about it? ((PS, i'm tired, so if there's any mistakes in here, please ignore them. i wrote this sleep-deprived and anxious.))

Bio

Recent forum posts

Talk to an expert therapist

Seeking support takes a lot of courage, and you should be proud of yourself for...

About Us

Get Started

Online Therapy

Terms

Bio