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General Support / by rationalWriter832

July 2nd, 2025

Please Help me with advice

Relationship Stress / by rationalWriter832

March 19th, 2025

...See more I’m writing because I broke up with my boyfriend about a month ago, and now I regret it. We are both christian arabs. I don’t know if I was just focused on all our differences or if the problems were really that big. He kept telling me right up until the last second that these were small things, and that they shouldn't affect our relationship. That we would find solutions to everything as long as there was enough love. He was a nice guy who made an effort to invite me out every weekend. He bought me flowers, gave me gifts, and surprised me. He told me he had great respect for me. He’s trained as a social educator, so he has a lot of patience. I don’t know if maybe I’ve let go of someone I’ll regret in the future. We were together for 10 months, and he was very serious about me. He almost begged to meet my parents and let our families get to know each other in the beginning. He said that after the first month of dating, he knew we were meant to be together. After the first 6 months, he started pushing for us to officially become a couple, expecting that at least I’d be willing to tell other people—other than just our families—that we were together and label our relationship. That’s when I started to pull back. I became very nervous and scared, and I began seeing even the smallest signs of our differences as problems. I remember one day when he took me to a place where you mix your own salad bowls, and he chose green olives while I chose black ones, and I thought, “Even here we are different and have nothing in common.” I thought the same thing about our taste in music when one day he played music from our home country, while I only listen to English music. He always laughed and said it was nothing, that you can’t expect two people who are dating to be 100% alike, and that I should see if my parents listen to the same music too, etc. I had been in a pretty bad relationship before this one with another christian arab, where the parents of his were very uncivilized and dominating. The guy was also dating an european girl at his workplace in secret. So maybe im just scared of opening up to a new guy. Now my ex, the one I broke up with last month, doesn't let his parents interfere at all. Let’s call him “B.” B is an afterthought; his parents are much older and never interfere. From the beginning, I told B most of the problems I had with A. Rumors spread fast in our culture because everyone knows everyone, and B had briefly heard about A. I’m also very open about it because I didn’t feel it was my fault, so I said it as it was on our first date: if his parents interfere in the slightest, I’m the one walking away, because I won’t tolerate that again. He took it quite seriously because he could see I was willing to walk away because of that, and he said it would never be a problem because his parents are old and very quiet. After we disagreed and stopped things between us, neither of us removed the other as a friend on social media. We’re still friends on ***, and he opens all my stories immediately. We’re also friends on *** and ***. But there were four points that started to weigh more and more on me and made me worried about my relationship, until we eventually ended things. I don’t know if they were just excuses because I’ve become so scared of getting married after what happened with A, or what it is. I’m writing them down as bullet points, and here are four points where we became more and more disagreeing. * On our first date, I told him I didn’t like that he smoked. He replied in his own words: “I’ll stop, I also stopped a few years ago, but I got stressed about buying a house, because my plan was to buy and resell it, but there was COVID, and I couldn’t sell it, so I started smoking again. Now I rent it out and make money on it, so everything’s good. I’ll try to stop, but you should know it’s something that will take time.” ----> 10 months later, nothing had changed. When I asked him what he was doing to stop, he just said, “Nothing, I’m taking it easy.” * While we were dating, he had a very worn-out little car and told me he wanted to buy a cool Mercedes. I told him I didn’t think he should buy it. He still had a debt on the house of 800,000 . I’m the type who thinks it’s better to use money to pay off debt rather than take out a loan for an expensive car. I especially thought it was ridiculous since he was so stressed about the house. He could have taken a loan for a decent Citroën, but he didn’t listen to me and bought the expensive big Mercedes. I was so mad I didn’t even ask how much it cost, but he had told me he was looking for one for 300,000-400,000. I thought it was so stupid. Later, I find out that he bought it with his father, so they’re both paying off the debt together. He said he had also borrowed some money from his father to buy the house, so his father gets part of the rent, and that when we get married, he would just give the car to his father, and his father would pay for it, and then we could focus on our life together. But as long as we’re not married, he’s free to do what he wants. I can’t see the sense in that. Especially since he bought it with his father. It’s not necessary to have such an expensive car. It’s just supposed to transport you from A to B. * Another thing is that he’s very social. Sometimes he’s out visiting friends until midnight. He also works as a social educator, where he works nights and evenings sometimes. After my ex, I became very nervous when I saw someone like him because I technically don’t know if he’s flirting with his colleague during evening shifts or visiting a friend or a woman. He’s also on his phone a lot. He can read and write our language, and I can’t, so he could be texting a woman and make me think it’s a male friend. He himself said that it’s normal for him to visit his 3-4 childhood friends because they’re very close and that I shouldn’t worry because when we get married, he’ll have a family to take care of, and it’s natural that he won’t be living the single life anymore but will spend time on me and our family. * I earn 100,000 per month before tax, and he earns about 40,000 before tax, but I can only get that salary by living in rural areas. So, when he asked me on our first date if I was willing to move to his city (1,5 hour drive) for him, I said that in the future I would like to because I want to be close to my parents, and their ultimate goal is also to move there, but not right now. When I asked him if he was willing to move to my city where I live, he said, “I would do anything for the one I love, and if there are no other SOLUTIONS, I’m willing to move for you.” After dating for 6 months, he backs out and says he CAN’T move after all because rural is so boring, and he’s very social, but there’s no one from our culture in my area. He says he has all his friends and contacts in his city. When I said yes to making it official after 10 months, I told him one week later that I couldn’t move after all. This is when it all culminated, and he said he couldn’t continue if I couldn’t move. I had expected that he would move if there were no solutions, as he had said, but then he said that what he meant was that if I couldn’t find a job in his city. However, he knows perfectly well that I can always find a job in any city in my profession, so I felt a little fooled because I thought that with “solutions,” he meant that if I couldn’t move in any way, he’d be willing to move for me. I earn more in rural areas. Since my ex, A, was a gold digger, I don’t want to share my exact salary with B, but I’ve said that there’s a difference because I earn more. I just told B that I pay high taxes, and he then said, “High tax, so you earn about 70,000 a month. I don’t care if you go down 20,000 in salary, as long as we live in my city. I can support us. We’ll buy a house and have a lovely family here. I have contacts at the bank so I can get a really big loan.” He always tells me that he has a friend at the bank, so he has helped many people get a loan, and he can borrow. I feel like he brags a lot about his contacts and important friends and being able to borrow big amounts, but loans have to be paid back. In the beginning, I didn’t mind moving from my city to his, but later, as I saw he got the car loan, I felt that I didn’t want to move to his city and lower my salary because it’s stressful when debt is involved. My personal goal was that we could live between our cities (it’s only 1.5 hours of driving between them). That way, it would be easy for both of us. We could live there for a couple of years so I could save up, and we could almost build the house with cash in his city with my salary. My ultimate goal was the same as his. To build a house in his city and live with him and have a wonderful family. So, in the end, I accepted the house loan because he can always sell the house. I accepted the car loan if I could keep my job in my city and earn well, so we could pay off the car loan. He says that if you earn 40,000, it’s nothing to pay 3,000 off the car loan each month, and that I focus too much on finances and am too financially oriented. I’m not a gold digger because if I were, I would have wanted him to buy the fancy Mercedes. I just feel like we need to make sensible choices. People get divorced because of finances, and others suddenly get sick and can’t pay off their debt. He started smoking again because of the stress of a house that couldn’t be sold, which basically is a financial issue. He works at night, where no one wants to work, because of finances. I don’t understand why he can’t see the sense in what I’m saying? At first, he accepted living one year in the middle, and then we would build a house in his city. Later, I gave in and said we could live in even closer to his city, hoping he could stay there a little longer before we move to his city so I could keep my job just a little longer, and he said he’d like to live there for 1-2 years. Then, for some reason, I completely froze and said I couldn’t move at all when I saw that he bought the stupid car and didn’t listen to me. During our argument at the end, he said that I was just too controlling and wanted to decide everything. That his smoking had nothing to do with me, and that he wasn’t a child who doesn’t understand that it’s unhealthy, but that I’m always lecturing him. That I want to decide that he shouldn’t spend so much time with his friends, who he’s known since childhood. He said that only men with weak personalities let their women decide over them, and that he wasn’t that type, and no one could change his personality. By the way, a week after we broke up, we were at a party held in his town, where a singer from our culture came from abroad and sang. There were about 300 people. He greeted my parents politely and said to my father that “he would put him on his head,” which is a saying meaning he has great respect for my father. But he chose not to make eye contact with me during the entire party. He only looked my way when he saw that I wasn’t looking at him. I can see now, one month after our breakup, that he opens all the *** stories I post immediately. It’s an app where people post photos/videos, and you can see who views them if you don’t know ***. What do you think? Was i too strict with all my rules and demands?

Please i NEED fast help. Im going to talk to him today a last time

Relationship Stress / by rationalWriter832

February 13th, 2025

...See more Hi, I’m im middle eastern christian but live in europe and we date in a way where, when you become a couple, you have a small party where everyone comes over, and you announce that you've said yes to being together. It's very serious, and you assume that it’s a yes to engagement and marriage. I’ve been dating a guy this way for about 8 months. On our first date, everything was fine. He asked if I would be willing to move to hix city for him, and since I knew that my parents wanted to move there, I said that I was eventually going to move there because my family wants to, and I asked if he would be willing to move to my city. His response was, "I would do anything for the one I love," which made me very happy. Especially because I had an ex who never listened to me but only to what his parents said and was a real mama's boy, so I was so glad to have met him. I also said that I didn’t want to be with someone who smokes, and he told me that he could stop, but it would take time. Overall, he was very understanding in the beginning. We talked about how respect is important and that we could be together. I directly mentioned to him that it means a lot to me when someone keeps their word because the person I talked to earlier couldn't keep his word. I didn’t directly explain what it was about, but my ex had told me January that I was important to him and left me about 18 days later, after which I found out there was another colleague on the sideline with my ex without me knowing. After I had wasted several months on this guy, about 6 months in, he suddenly says that he has thought about it, and he can't move to my city after all because it’s empty, doesn’t have enough of a social life, and doesn’t have enough people from our home country. I was really sad that he changed his mind, but I chose to say we could find a city in between. I said we could live in in a city between, and he didn’t agree at first, but then he gave in and said he could live there for a couple of years (1-2), which I wasn’t happy about but thought it was better than nothing. In the beginning, he said it was because his parents were old and he couldn’t leave them alone in in his city. Later, when I said, "What if I want to live in in the capital which is too far away one day?" he said that was fine because he had friends there. So, I felt like it wasn’t about his parents but about his friends. He was choosing to let me live somewhere I wasn’t happy with for the sake of his friends. I think your spouse should always be prioritized over friends. I also noticed that he never even tried to stop smoking during all this time. When I asked what he had done about it, he just said, "Nothing, I’m taking it easy." Another thing is that while we were together, he suddenly wanted to buy a very expensive Mercedes. I told him that it was stupid since he had a mortgage, and he said the house paid for itself because he rented it out. I think it’s okay to take out a loan if you can’t afford a car, but I didn’t think it was right to borrow 400k for such an expensive car while still having a mortgage. He began explaining that it was better to invest his money instead of paying off loans and talked as though he had millions invested. He said his loan had nothing to do with me, and as long as we weren’t married, it was none of my business. I felt things had taken a turn then, and he’s was quite different from what I initially thought. I believe his loans have EVERYTHING to do with me because he earns a maximum of 40k a month, and I’ve taken a really good education and earn 100k every month. I feel like he has a lot of debt, and I’ll end up paying it off for him. I don’t even mind paying it off for him because for me, when you're married, there’s no such thing as mine and yours—it’s all joint. But the problem I have is that I feel I have no say in anything. He buys the car and does whatever he wants. He also started telling me that it’s a car he’s paying off together with his dad because his dad also helped him buy the house, so his dad also gets part of the rent. It all sounded very strange to me. With my ex, I had immediately said it was okay to move to the same city that this guy wants to move to, but even though my ex was a mama’s boy, he had a good grasp on finances and a good job. So, in that regard, I felt that I would have rely on him about the financial side of things, and that’s why I didn’t want to leave my job. In my case, I can earn much more in the province, and I felt that if I was going to be the one responsible for all that, I should be able to keep my job since I make good money there. Eventually, he says that he will only live in the city in the middle for a maximum of 1 year. So, I give in again and say we can live in a city like half an hour from his, even, and this is the closest i can get to his city without losing my job. I cant drive mode than 1 hour daily. He then says that’s fine, and he can live there for 1-1.5 years until we find a good plot of land in there and build a nice house. I end up accepting everything, and we also pick a date to have the party and make everything official. I just feel like in the end, I’m not happy. I feel like everything I asked for didnt happen in the end. He never moved to my city. I got an ultimatum that we could live in in the city only 30 minutes from his for 1-2 years MAX after marriage, meaning I’d eventually have to quit my job. He bought the car as he wanted. He never stopped smoking. These weren’t even big demands I felt I made. Girls, especially from our culture, ask for A LOT, like 100k in gold for the wedding, an expensive wedding, and all sorts of other things. I even always drank water when he invited me and refused to accept gifts because I didn’t want him to waste money on me before we were serious, and in our culture, the man pays for dates or it’s an insult if I pay. So, I always drank water and chose the cheapest on the menu. I really did a lot without saying it out loud. A week later, I called him and told him that I can’t move after all. He got really angry and told me he had wasted a year of his life on me (it had now been 10 months in total), and that I was indecisive and couldn’t make up my mind because I first said my city, then halfway, then closer to his. I felt like he was putting it all on me, but the reason I mentioned those cities was because he wasn’t willing to budge, so I quietly decided to give in again and again, moving closer and closer to city. I had initially thought I would be okay with it, but everything happened slowly, and I felt like none of my few requests were being honored until I finally felt like I was agreeing to everything as he wanted. I also felt that it didn’t make sense when he said he could take out big loans because he has contacts in the bank. It all didn’t add up in my ears, and felt scary that he did things so the same rules for everyone else didnt apply to him. So, I called and told him I couldn’t move. I at least wanted to keep my job if I had to support us because he had two debts now: both the house and the car. He didn’t take that well. He actually wrote to me later that same day saying he had completely changed his mind, and even though he had agreed to both living halfway and the city half an hour from his, he had now changed his mind, and it would either be his city, or I could just leave him alone. He wrote that he had done a LOT for me, but now I didn’t want to move or meet him halfway, and he felt like I had played with him and hadn’t taken this seriously. He wrote that no one was forcing me to be with him, and if I didn’t want to, I could just leave. I was so upset. He had chosen to behave this way toward me. That same evening, he called my mom. I have no idea how he got her number, but he told her everything, saying it was just small things, and that she should try to convince me to accept. My mom actually got angry with him because she thought I seemed very reasonable. From the call, she had the same impression as me, that he cared too much about his friends, that he bragged too much about being able to take out large loans and having a lot of contacts, and that his ultimate goal was to take out a lot of loans, and I would be the one to pay for everything with my salary to support us, while he would use his salary to pay off loans and debts. She got a bad taste in her mouth about him and actually advised me to leave him, as he seemed like he wanted to exploit me financially. That same evening, I wrote to him that if he prioritizes a city more than me, I can’t continue, especially because he had promised he would be willing to move to anywhere for the one he loves. I wished him good luck. Deep down, I had hoped it would be an eye-opener for him that he was about to lose me and that he would choose me over friends and everything else. The next day, he sent me a message. Nearly an entire A4 page about how I keep changing my mind, first wanting to live here, then there. That I’m rude for telling him I need to try him. That I think too much about money and that he also wants the best for me. I was so upset that, in the end, I wrote to him that I wanted to talk on the phone, like a call. I was still hoping I could save everything. He reluctantly agreed to talk to me, and we are supposed to do that today, but he has directly said that he doesn’t think we should continue via text. My mom has told me to break up with him during the call. I end up having to talk to him today, but I have no idea what to do or say? My mom says I should drop him now because she doesn’t like him. I dont know what to tell him anymore

This is my second time asking for help in forum. Feeling insecure about taking him back

Relationship Stress / by rationalWriter832

October 25th, 2023

...See more So i tried writing but people never answered and i think it might be because the story was too long, hence why im putting a shorter version here now. In aug 2022 a guy started seeing me through some arranged marriage meeting (not forced just arranged) we clicked and kept talking. He invited me out too and was over the moon that i accepted continuing with him after our meeting. The problems started because he asked if he can come for preengagement (we have a tradition with a little visit/party when a couple has to become official where he visits with close relatives and puts a ring on my finger/necklace as proof that we are taken/dating/promised to each other.) I accepted. But he was unsure if i really wanted and kept asking every week despite me assuring him each time. When he finally told his mother after 7 weeks of asking and they planned the visit to be in december my grandmother died on 22/september 2022. So we also have a tradition close relatives of a dead person mourn and wear black and dont party for 1 year after the death. Meaning my mother and they instantly postphoned the visit from december 2022 to april 2023. So in february 2023 his parents called to plan which exact day to come during a holiday time in february and my mother said they can come any day but she wants a quiet visit with no dancing, partying or music since my grandmother is dead. His fathe got angry saying 3 times to her if she doesnt want the party he will postphone because he wants a party as it is his only son. My mother got angry feeling he was threatening and insisted on no partying telling him "do as you please" and he cancelled and didnt even mention a new date this time. I became anxious and knew it was going bad. I was sad that his father was starting to make choices about MY marriage already and not including me. I waited hoping the son at least would respect me enough to contact me and ask my opinion or at least inform me of the changes. He usually texts me every day and on very busy weeks which is seldom at least every 5 days. This fight happened between our parents the 18th february. Me and him had before that planned to meet at a restaurant the 28 feb. However afte their fight he suddenly stopped texting me. I waited to see when he would care and he didnt. The the 27 came and he didnt even text to ask about what clock to meet up the next day despite us having taken a leave from work to meet up. I ended up texting him and he asked "we can meet but do you want to?" I felt he was backing out and told him i dont understand since we have already planned and he said we can meet 11 o clock. The next day he sent me a text asking if its ok to cancel since his boss flew in from abroad and wants to meet up. I felt it was a lie because 1. He had taken the day off from work 2. We were texting till 8 o clock evening the night before and there was not said a word about any boss. I said its ok to cancell but was so angry that i demanded a call the next day and told him that 2. It is NEVER ok to ditch people 3 hours before a supposed meeting and 2. It is not ok that our parents are cancelling and postphoning events in our lives and definitely not ok that he didnt even inform me for 2 weeks now. 3. I want us to call and meet more and since he ditched my effort this time its on him to pla the next meeting. He said ok to all but next week texted if we can call about stopping all this between us cause he doesnt feel we are getting anywhere. We called and he said every excuse he could think of about why we should stop it but we choose to continue after i spoke some sense into him. Then 1 week later he Sent me this message finally breaking up with me on 18/march/2023 : "Hi,I dont think the two of us should spend more time texting or trying to make it work. we have now tried for I don't know how long but without success, and the distance means that we can't just meet either, so I think that the two of us just should stop contacting each other and I hope you find the right person, but I won't stand in your way and wish you all the best in life" Before when he often asked if i want to marry i told him " if i find the right person" so this was like a slap to my faceI was SO sad. I was really upset because I didn't feel I had done anything wrong. I didn't feel he had given it a chance either. He had just since that visit was cancelled by his parents started behaving completely differently with me. I ended up replying "Hi. We might as well be honest that it wasnt working out lately. I don't think the distance was the problem because you knew where I lived before it started. The problem was probably more your behavior and personality here at the end, but good luck to you too." He saw my message at 1am and never responded. Thats it. I'm kind of in shock at how he went from telling me things like "You're really pretty, A one of a kind, I thought you were going to reject me because you didn't seem very impressed," to breaking up. I just sat in my room mostly crying silently and isolating myself. After leaving me the 18/mach with all those excuses he even texted me the 22/june saying "hi 😁" i answered "hi" he answered "have you been well?" And then added " i just wanted to hear if you would be interested in us getting together again or if it is totally out of the question?" I answered " what changed? Why do you want it now again?" And he answered " i spoke to my mum yesterday and understood that she and your distant relative want us to give it a chance more. So i thought about it and thought yes we could as long as its on our terms and our families arent with us in each step but that we make all the decisions about what will happen ourselves. " Honestly i was too angry that he told me on one hand that we will make all choice yet on the other hand it seems that his mother talked him into contacting me? I didnt answer him but did tell my mum that he had contacted me a week later just to see her reaction. She told me " if you accept him they will treat you as if you are dying for their son. Also i didnt tell you because i didnt want to hurt you but i heard that after you broke up his mothers excuse around people was that you were too cold/dry around him and that there is even a european girl at his work who is totally into him but he didnt acknowledge her because you were together. So they were disrespecting you. " i felt even more hurt because i really love him. What should i do? I am a mess.

Would you take him back? I miss him. Please i need advice

Relationship Stress / by rationalWriter832

October 24th, 2023

...See more So I'm from the Middle East but was born and raised in europe and we still live in europe. Even though we're Christian middle easterns, arranged marriages/blind dates are normal for us, just like regular love relationships are. You try both parts and the arranged ones are a bit like our "***/dating.com". It is done in such a way that he and the family visit first so that we can quickly look at each other and say yes or no. If yes, then you exchange numbers/*** etc. and write/call for some time and also meet sometimes, e.g. out to eat to talk, etc. After that, if you still like each other and click, you make a small party for family/close friends to become "Official" where he officially asks for your hand and you date and e.g. going to parties as a couple. When you have been together for approx. 6 months then comes the engagement and after approx. 1 year wedding. However, nothing is forced. Sometimes there can be a little family pressure to give a person a chance and go on the date. It happened to me when we were at a party and another family struck up a conversation with our distant relative who held the party and the family mentioned that they had a son and were interested me and him getting to know each other. He thought I was cute and had said yes. I didn't want it at first, but because my parents kept pushing and said that the distant relative had praised him to the skies and back, I gave in. The first time we met was just when he and his family and our distant relative came to visit once in AUGUST 2022. I myself agreed to continue from there and we wrote for a few months. He was really nice and everything you could wish for. He was serious and wanted marriage and children etc. Nice to talk to and I was really happy. The problem is that he seemed unsure about the whole thing because when he came to visit with his parents the first time, my mother jokingly mentioned that I never want to meet guys, so she thinks I should this time. So when we wrote together at the beginning, one of his first questions was whether I even want a family and to get married. I said yes, but he didn't seem to believe me. We wrote for a few more months and I was so happy. Then he asked if I would accept them coming to visit so we could become official. I agreed to that and he wanted to tell his parents. This is where the problem began. The following week he asked again to make sure I really wanted it and was sure because he was still thinking about what my parents had said. I said yes again. The following week he asked again. It continued until he had asked me 6-7 times and I said in the end that he has to pull himself together and tell his parents because it had become nonsense. When he finally got it done and we agreed that they would visit in DECEMBER 2022 my grandmother dies in September. When such a close family member dies, the closest mourn for approx. 1 year. My parent had to wear dark clothes and we also don't party or post holiday pictures out of respect for my grandmother for 1 year. This meant that we had to postpone the party in December where it would become official. So our parents arrange to visit and make it official in April during Easter holidays instead. He accepted the postponement and was still as sweet as before. I wished we could meet more than once but he didn't really invite me out and we lived 4 hours apart so it wasn't easy. He became more and more loving to talk to as Easter approached. Around 13th/feb we agree to meet at a restaurant the 28th//feb to talk about their visit. For me it was mostly because i wanted to meet him and get to know him more before the whole thing. He tells me he took the day off and is looking very much forward to meet me on 28/feb. The problem is when our parents had to talk again on 18/Feb. His parents call and ask if they can come for Easter. My mother says it's perfectly fine, but she doesn't want too much partying, and glitter and music. She just wants it to be a quiet visit where we say yes to each other and are happy etc. because she is still mourning. His father was not ok with that because he says it's a big day and he wants to party big since its his only son,, so if it's ok with us then he would rather we wait a little longer and hold something proper instead. My mom said it's perfectly fine and the visit got cancelled. Now he had sent me a text the same day at 6 in the morning just to chat as we usually do. I had thought of answering him in the evening so we could write a little but when I sat next to them when they called and heard the whole call I got upset and didn't answer him at all during the 18th/feb . I think it was wrong that I was not included in that choice at all, but that his parents just delayed/cancelled the visit by asking my mother and not me. So I waited for him to text me about it instead and tell me it was postponed and ask what I'm thinking or just at least inform me about such an important thing. He actually didn't write at all the next day until I just wrote a short message in the evening to answer his from the day before. I had hoped he would say something about it but again he didn't. So I didn't try to keep the conversation going either because I was mad and neither did he. approx. 5 days before that. around the 13th we had agreed to meet on the 28th of February. Go out to eat and talk a bit about our future etc. Just having fun. But after the 19th he actually didn't write at all until I wrote to him myself on the 27th and asked what time we should meet on the 28th of February. Because I thought it would be better if we just talked about such things face to face. He then answers me instead "We can meet, but do you want to?" It was as if our agreement was not so binding after all, even though we had both taken time off and he had said he was looking forward to it. I wrote that I don't understand what he means at all but yes we will meet of course and started talking about meeting again. We agree to meet on 28 February. at 11. He then writes a message on the 28th at 8:15 in which he replies to the conversation from the day before like "Good morning 😀 and smart and it's been hectic but I'm fine with that 😊 and is it okay we cancell today ? got a call from the director that he is in the country so he wants to meet" I didnt think it was ok to cancel at all and that it was really angry, but I didn't want to force someone to meet when he himself thinks it's ok to ask such a question. So I just wrote a short and cold "Hi. It's okay to cancel" and he replied "Thanks for that 😊 " I could still feel myself getting more and more *** off throughout the day because for one, he hadn't said a word yet about our date to make it official being postponed by his parents indefinitely this time, Not asking for my opinion. Now he also canceled our meeting, and to be honest I felt that with the director was a lie because he had told me he took the day off for us to meet. The next day, i.e. 1/march, I therefore wrote him a message in which I wrote "Good morning 😊 I hope you had a good day with your director yesterday. I'm writing this today because I think it was important that we talked about some things yesterday but since you couldn't meet, we'll just take it on the phone. You can choose to call at 12:30 or 15:00? and for me 15 is best. By the way, my answer to your next question is no before you even ask me . So it's not ok to say that you're busy with work and can't call either 12:30 or 15:00 😊" I didn't feel like I could bear him using work as an excuse again. He then replies "Good morning and it was great if you like to sit and listen to him talk for 14 hours straight hehe and I'll call at 15, is that ok? 😀" (So he cancelled only at 8. let's say he met the director at 10. That means he sat and listened to him until 12 at night? what a lie I thought...) When he calls I told him everything in my heart. That it is not ok for him to cancel same day we had to meet and it is also not ok that he has not yet mentioned a word that our "make it official" date had been cancelled. He himself said that his parents had scolded him a bit for his behavior when he canceled our date and they had told him that "she tried but you screwed it up" and he also laughed a bit and said that our parents had also really *** the whole thing up visit up. He said that he wasn't at home, so he wasn't involved in the decision either, but that they had just talked and talked a little on the sidelines. I mentioned to him that it is therefore important that we meet again because its important that we get to know each other more. And that next time was on him since this time i was the one who tried arranging meeting. And also that its important we talk more on the phone. He handt texted me since the 19th till the 28th. Also that it is important that it is not his parents who make such decisions but us, (because my mother had actually also told me that I should tell him this because it was an irritating situation she felt she was put in when they just discussed it with her and wanted her to answer, but she thinks it was a matter between me and him instead). He said he was tired of the fact that when he wants to call on the weekends, I dont accept his calls but only want to talk on phoe during weekdays and asked if it was because I was shy to talk to him around my parents. I said no, but to be honest, I don't think it's very cool to have to talk where there's only a thin wall and our whole conversation can be heard. He seemed to think I just didn't like him. Because even though he agreed to everything i said he wrote nothing to me anyway from 1/3 to 8/3 where he just sent me a message 8/3 where he had written "Hi, there is something I would like to talk to you about and think it is best to talk and not text" I wrote he can call here and there during the day, but he asked if he could call in 2 days, so Friday 10/3 instead. I then ask him what it is about and he then replies "I'm thinking about us, and if maybe we should stop this "Texting/chit chat" I don't really think we're getting anywhere with it" I was SO upset that he called it " Texting/chit chat" For me it was much more than that, and now that he promised me a future and that he was serious, I didn't expect that he would just drop me without even telling me what he was tired of. After all, I had told him when there was something I wasn't happy with. I tried to solve it by writing "Hi. I've actually thought a bit myself that it has become too much texting lately so I understand it well. Shouldn't we call and talk on 10/3 ?" He wrote "Yes let's talk there 😊" I hoped it wasnt so serious when he sent a smiley so I calmed down a bit and wrote "Great 😊" When 10/3 came and he called he repeated the same thing. He thinks there was too much texting that it didn't get anywhere and asked what I think about stopping here everything between us.. I wanted to save the relationship, so I replied that I also think it doesn't work that we only text, so that's why I think we should meet more and talk more. I also said that I don't think it's fair that he only wants to talk during the weekends because it's like be is giving me an ultimatum and that we'll have to be able to talk on the phone both weekends and weekdays, because he also can't choose in the future to only be married during the weekend and then just not bother with the weekdays. He laughed a little and said it wasn't like that and I can call all I want during the weekdays, but that he just thought we had time off and were rested at the weekends. THEN I also told him that I also don't think he should constantly ask if I'm sure I really want to be with him because I don't say yes for fun and I mean my yes 100%. Then he replies that he asks because, for example, when he was at his friends engagement and saw how his friend was with his fiancee, they couldn't get enough of each other and couldn't help but make eye contact, but that we are exactly the opposite. That he doesn't expect us to be like Romeo and Juliet, but we are the exact opposite! I was really upset because he has only met me once properly, and I had tried to meet and tried to make it work. I tried to say “You said it yourself. They are engaged and that means they have been together a way longer than us. It's something that comes with time, and I've tried to meet with you where you preferred a meeting with your director!" he said I'm right and that we just have to make some "Us" time where we call and talk but that he thinks I should text to him when I have the opportunity for us to call together so it's easier to plan. I wondered if he wanted to test how much I wanted to talk, but I didnt think it was fair that he was throwing all the initiative on me I just said it's ok, to save the relationship but I didn't text him until 3/13 (3 days later) like this "Hi 😊 Im giving you some of the "texting/chit chat" that you so rudely called it. I hope you had a good weekend. We had agreed to talk and you said there is no weekend ultimatum. So I can talk tomorrow all day 14/3? You can get Saturday or Sunday evening in exchange 😊" He replied "Then we'll talk Saturday and Sunday? 😉" I wrote back "If you mean instead of Thursday then no, you'd better get an extra weekday if you want to talk more days so we can check if you keep your promises or it's just empty words 😊" I said it to make him understand that he should take me seriously this time. and understand that it meant alot for me that he proved it wasnt just empty words. He replied "We can do that. Should we say 5pm? and of course I keep my promises, have I broken any yet? 😀 " I would be out driving on the way home from work at 5 so I explained it to him and said "How about Wednesday or. Thursday instead? (15/3 or 16/3) " He said "Good morning 😀 Yes, let's talk on Thursday at 5 p.m. if that suits better?" and I replied "Thursday suits me really well 😊" he wrote "Super 😀" and I wrote "Good 😊 we'll talk 😀" When Thursday 23/3 came it was 5pm and he didn't call. I waited until 5.15pm and when I could see he wouldnt be calling me I wrote so it doesn't seem awkward " Hello, I'm unfortunately a little behind on work today 😊" then I wrote at 5.30 pm "I'm free now. Should we call now?" He ignored both of my messages and then rudely texts only the next day at 10:30 that "hey sorry but I haven't been feeling well, been a bit ill" I immediately knew he was trying to back out again and leave me so I just wrote "Hi. Good well soon" and he replied "Thanks" The next day at 11pm (Yesterday) he then writes to me "Hi,I dont think the two of us should spend more time texting or trying to make it work. we have now tried for I don't know how long but without success, and the distance means that we can't just meet either, so I think that the two of us just should stop contacting each other and I hope you find the right person, but I won't stand in your way and wish you all the best in life" Before when he often asked if i want to marry i told him " if i find the right person" so this was like a slap to my faceI was SO sad. I was really upset because I didn't feel I had done anything wrong. I didn't feel he had given it a chance either. He had just since that visit was cancelled by his parents started behaving completely differently with me. I ended up replying "Hi. We might as well be honest that it wasnt working out lately. I don't think the distance was the problem because you knew where I lived before it started. The problem was probably more your behavior and personality here at the end, but good luck to you too." He saw my message at 1am and never responded. Thats it. I'm kind of in shock at how he went from telling me things like "You're really pretty, A one of a kind, I thought you were going to reject me because you didn't seem very impressed," and when he asked after our first meeting if I still wanted to continue after seeing him more and talking etc and I gave my yes he wrote "Yes!! I was afraid to have scared you away after our meeting" he was overly happy. He also told me things like I'm really different from most Arab girls where he lives and when I asked "how different?" then he said I'm down to earth because most Arabs where he lives think the whole sun revolves around them and say things like their dream guy must be tall, handsome, well educated and that he often laughs at them and thinks it's good they know it's a dream guy. When I told him that these are not unrealistic demands, but he told me "It's unrealistic because I don't have any of it 😀" So he didn't seem to have the best self-esteem in the world. But what do you think? Did I do something wrong since he changed like that? Was he just tired that it was postponed? didn't he think i loved him? Was I too reluctant to make eye contact and be romantic in writing? Was it a deal breaker that I refused to talk to him on the phone when I was home? What went wrong? He never gave me a clarification about it other than that his friend and his fiancee can't get enough of each other while we are complete opposites After leaving me the 18/mach with all those excuses he even texted me the 22/june saying "hi 😁" i answered "hi" he answered "have you been well?" And then added " i just wanted to hear if you would be interested in us getting together again or if it is totally out of the question?" I answered " what changed? Why do you want it now again?" And he answered " i spoke to my mum yesterday and understood that she and your distant relative want us to give it a chance more. So i thought about it and thought yes we could as long as its on our terms and our families arent with us in each step but that we make all the decisions about what will happen ourselves. " Honestly i was too angry that he told me on one hand that we will make all choice yet on the other hand it seems that his mother talked him into contacting me? I didnt answer him but did tell my mum that he had contacted me a week later just to see her reaction. She told me " if you accept him they will treat you as if you are dying for their son. Also i didnt tell you because i didnt want to hurt you but i heard that after you broke up his mothers excuse around people was that you were too cold/dry around him and that there is even a european girl at his work who is totally into him but he didnt acknowledge her because you were together. So they were disrespecting you. " i felt even more hurt because i really love him.

HELP!!!!

Relationship Stress / by rationalWriter832

April 9th, 2023

Please Please give me your opinion om my story and problem. I am begging you.

Relationship Stress / by rationalWriter832

March 29th, 2023

...See more So I'm from the Middle East and even though we're Christians, arranged marriages/blind dates are normal for us, just like regular love relationships are. You try both parts and the arranged ones are a bit like our "***/dating.com". It is done in such a way that he and the family visit first so that we can quickly look at each other and say yes or no. If yes, then you exchange numbers/*** etc. and write/call for some time and also meet sometimes, e.g. out to eat to talk, etc. After that, if you still like each other and click, you make a small party for family/close friends to become "Official" where he officially asks for your hand and you date and e.g. going to parties as a couple. When you have been together for approx. 6 months then comes the engagement and after approx. 1 year wedding. However, nothing is forced. Sometimes there can be a little family pressure to give a person a chance and go on the date. It happened to me when we were at a party and another family struck up a conversation with our distant relative who held the party and the family mentioned that they had a son and were interested me and him getting to know each other. He thought I was cute and had said yes. I didn't want it at first, but because my parents kept pushing and said that the distant relative had praised him to the skies and back, I gave in. The first time we met was just when he and his family and our distant relative came to visit once in AUGUST 2022. I myself agreed to continue from there and we wrote for a few months. He was really nice and everything you could wish for. He was serious and wanted marriage and children etc. Nice to talk to and I was really happy. The problem is that he seemed unsure about the whole thing because when he came to visit with his parents the first time, my mother jokingly mentioned that I never want to meet guys, so she thinks I should this time. So when we wrote together at the beginning, one of his first questions was whether I even want a family and to get married. I said yes, but he didn't seem to believe me. We wrote for a few more months and I was so happy. Then he asked if I would accept them coming to visit so we could become official. I agreed to that and he wanted to tell his parents. This is where the problem began. The following week he asked again to make sure I really wanted it and was sure because he was still thinking about what my parents had said. I said yes again. The following week he asked again. It continued until he had asked me 6-7 times and I said in the end that he has to pull himself together and tell his parents because it had become nonsense. When he finally got it done and we agreed that they would visit in DECEMBER 2022 my grandmother dies in September. When such a close family member dies, the closest mourn for approx. 1 year. My parent had to wear dark clothes and we also don't party or post holiday pictures out of respect for my grandmother for 1 year. This meant that we had to postpone the party in December where it would become official. So our parents arrange to visit and make it official in April during Easter holidays instead. He accepted the postponement and was still as sweet as before. I wished we could meet more than once but he didn't really invite me out and we lived 4 hours apart so it wasn't easy. He became more and more loving to talk to as Easter approached. Around 13th/feb we agree to meet at a restaurant the 28th//feb to talk about their visit. For me it was mostly because i wanted to meet him and get to know him more before the whole thing. He tells me he took the day off and is looking very much forward to meet me on 28/feb. The problem is when our parents had to talk again on 18/Feb. His parents call and ask if they can come for Easter. My mother says it's perfectly fine, but she doesn't want too much partying, and glitter and music. She just wants it to be a quiet visit where we say yes to each other and are happy etc. because she is still mourning. His fatherok with that because he says it's a big day and he wants to party big since its his only son,, so if it's ok with us then he would rather we wait a little longer and hold something proper instead. My mom said it's perfectly fine and the visit got cancelled. Now he had sent me a text the same day at 6 in the morning just to chat as we usually do. I had thought of answering him in the evening so we could write a little but when I sat next to them when they called and heard the whole call I got upset and didn't answer him at all during the 18th/feb . I think it was wrong that I was not included in that choice at all, but also that his parents just delayed/cancelled the visit by asking my mother and not me. So I waited for him to text me about it instead and tell me it was postponed and ask what I'm thinking or just at least inform me about such an important thing. He actually didn't write at all the next day eeither until I just wrote a short message in the evening to answer his from the day before and wish him a happy birthday. I had hoped he would say something about it but again he didn't. So I didn't try to keep the conversation going either because I was mad and neither did he. approx. 5 days before that. around the 13th we had agreed to meet on the 28th of February. Go out to eat and talk a bit about our future etc. Just having fun. But after the 19th he actually didn't write at all until I wrote to him myself on the 27th and asked what time we should meet on the 28th of February. Because I thought it would be better if we just talked about such things face to face. He then answers me instead "We can meet, but do you want to?" It was as if our agreement was not so binding after all, even though we had both taken time off and he had said he was looking forward to it. I wrote that I don't understand what he means at all but yes we will meet of course and started talking about meeting again. We agree to meet on 28 February. at 11. He then writes a message on the 28th at 8:15 in which he replies to the conversation from the day before like "Good morning :D and smart and it's been hectic but I'm fine with that :) and is it okay we cancell today ? got a call from the director that he is in the country so he wants to meet" I didnt think it was ok to cancel at all and i was really angry, but I didn't want to force someone to meet when he himself thinks it's ok to ask such a question. So I just wrote a short and cold "Hi. It's okay to cancel" and he replied "Thanks for that :) " I could still feel myself getting more and more *** off throughout the day because for one, he hadn't said a word yet about our date to make it official being postponed by his parents indefinitely this time, Not asking for my opinion. Now he also canceled our meeting, and to be honest I felt that with the director was a lie because he had told me he took the day off for us to meet. The next day, i.e. 1/march, I therefore wrote him a message in which I wrote "Good morning :) I hope you had a good day with your director yesterday. I'm writing this today because I think it was important that we talked about some things yesterday but since you couldn't meet, we'll just take it on the phone. You can choose to call at 12:30 or 15:00? and for me 15 is best. By the way, my answer to your next question is no before you even ask me . So it's not ok to say that you're busy with work and can't call either 12:30 or 15:00 :)" I didn't feel like I could bear him using work as an excuse again. He then replies "Good morning and it was great if you like to sit and listen to him talk for 14 hours straight hehe and I'll call at 15, is that ok? :D" (So he cancelled only at 8. let's say he met the director at 10. That means he sat and listened to him until 12 at night? what a lie I thought...) When he calls I told him everything in my heart. That it is not ok for him to cancel same day we had to meet and it is also not ok that he has not yet mentioned a word that our "make it official" date had been cancelled. He himself said that his parents had scolded him a bit for his behavior when he canceled our date and they had told him that "she tried but you screwed it up" and he also laughed a bit and said that our parents had also really *** the whole thing up visit up. He said that he wasn't at home, so he wasn't involved in the decision either, but that they had just talked and talked a little on the sidelines. I mentioned to him that it is therefore important that we meet again because its important that we get to know each other more. And that next time was on him since this time i was the one who tried arranging meeting. And also that its important we talk more on the phone. He handt texted me since the 19th till the 28th. Also that it is important that it is not his parents who make such decisions but us, (because my mother had actually also told me that I should tell him this because it was an irritating situation she felt she was put in when they just discussed it with her and wanted her to answer, but she thinks it was a matter between me and him instead). He said he was tired of the fact that when he wants to call on the weekends, I dont accept his calls but only want to talk on phoe during weekdays and asked if it was because I was shy to talk to him around my parents. I said no, but to be honest, I don't think it's very cool to have to talk where there's only a thin wall and our whole conversation can be heard. He seemed to think I just didn't like him. Because even though he agreed to everything i said he wrote nothing to me anyway from 1/3 to 8/3 where he just sent me a message 8/3 where he had written "Hi, there is something I would like to talk to you about and think it is best to talk and not text" I wrote he can call here and there during the day, but he asked if he could call in 2 days, so Friday 10/3 instead. I then ask him what it is about and he then replies "I'm thinking about us, and if maybe we should stop this "Texting/chit chat" I don't really think we're getting anywhere with it" I was SO upset that he called it " Texting/chit chat" For me it was much more than that, and now that he promised me a future and that he was serious, I didn't expect that he would just drop me without even telling me what he was tired of. After all, I had told him when there was something I wasn't happy with. I tried to solve it by writing "Hi. I've actually thought a bit myself that it has become too much texting lately so I understand it well. Shouldn't we call and talk on 10/3 ?" He wrote "Yes let's talk there :)" I hoped it wasnt so serious when he sent a smiley so I calmed down a bit and wrote "Great :)" When 10/3 came and he called he repeated the same thing. He thinks there was too much texting that it didn't get anywhere and asked what I think about stopping here everything between us.. I wanted to save the relationship, so I replied that I also think it doesn't work that we only text, so that's why I think we should meet more and talk more. I also said that I don't think it's fair that he only wants to talk during the weekends because it's like he is giving me an ultimatum and that we'll have to be able to talk on the phone both weekends and weekdays, because he also can't choose in the future to only be married during the weekend and then just not bother with the weekdays. He laughed a little and said it wasn't like that and I can call all I want during the weekdays, but that he just thought we had time off and were rested at the weekends. THEN I also told him that I also don't think he should constantly ask if I'm sure I really want to be with him because I don't say yes for fun and I mean my yes 100%. Then he replies that he asks because, for example, when he was at his friends engagement and saw how his friend was with his fiancee, they couldn't get enough of each other and couldn't help but make eye contact, but that we are exactly the opposite. That he doesn't expect us to be like Romeo and Juliet, but we are the exact opposite! I was really upset because he has only met me once properly, and I had tried to meet and tried to make it work. I tried to say “You said it yourself. They are engaged and that means they have been together a way longer than us. It's something that comes with time, and I've tried to meet with you where you preferred a meeting with your director!" he said I'm right and that we just have to make some "Us" time where we call and talk but that he thinks I should text to him when I have the opportunity for us to call together so it's easier to plan. I wondered if he wanted to test how much I wanted to talk, but I didnt think it was fair that he was throwing all the initiative on me I just said it's ok, to save the relationship but I didn't text him until 3/13 (3 days later) like this "Hi :) Im giving you some of the "texting/chit chat" that you so rudely called it. I hope you had a good weekend. We had agreed to talk and you said there is no weekend ultimatum. So I can talk tomorrow all day 14/3? You can get Saturday or Sunday evening in exchange :)" He replied "Then we'll talk Saturday and Sunday? ;)" I wrote back "If you mean instead of Thursday then no, you'd better get an extra weekday if you want to talk more days so we can check if you keep your promises or it's just empty words :)" I said it to make him understand that he should take me seriously this time. and understand that it meant alot for me that he proved it wasnt just empty words. He replied "We can do that. Should we say 5pm? and of course I keep my promises, have I broken any yet? :D " I would be out driving on the way home from work at 5 so I explained it to him and said "How about Wednesday or. Thursday instead? (15/3 or 16/3) " He said "Good morning :D Yes, let's talk on Thursday at 5 p.m. if that suits better?" and I replied "Thursday suits me really well :)" he wrote "Super :D" and I wrote "Good :) we'll talk :D" When Thursday 23/3 came it was 5pm and he didn't call. I waited until 5.15pm and when I could see he wouldnt be calling me I wrote so it doesn't seem awkward " Hello, I'm unfortunately a little behind on work today :)" then I wrote at 5.30 pm "I'm free now. Should we call now?" He ignored both of my messages and then rudely texts only the next day at 10:30 that "hey sorry but I haven't been feeling well, been a bit ill" I immediately knew he was trying to back out again and leave me so I just wrote "Hi. Get well soon" and he replied "Thanks" The next day at 11pm (Yesterday) he then writes to me "Hi,I dont think the two of us should spend more time texting or trying to make it work. we have now tried for I don't know how long but without success, and the distance means that we can't just meet either, so I think that the two of us just should stop contacting each other and I hope you find the right person, but I won't stand in your way and wish you all the best in life" I was SO sad. I was really upset because I didn't feel I had done anything wrong. I didn't feel he had given it a chance either. He had just since that visit was cancelled by his parents started behaving completely differently with me. I ended up replying "Hi. We might as well be honest that it wasnt working out lately. I don't think the distance was the problem because you knew where I lived before it started. The problem was probably more your behavior and personality here at the end, but good luck to you too." He saw my message at 1am and never responded. Thats it. I'm kind of in shock at how he went from telling me things like "You're really pretty, A one of a kind, I thought you were going to reject me because you didn't seem very impressed," and when he asked after our first meeting if I still wanted to continue after seeing him more and talking etc and I gave my yes he wrote "Yes!! I was afraid to have scared you away after our meeting" he was overly happy. He also told me things like I'm really different from most Arab girls where he lives and when I asked "how different?" then he said I'm down to earth because most Arabs where he lives think the whole sun revolves around them and say things like their dream guy must be tall, handsome, well educated and that he often laughs at them and thinks it's good they know it's a dream guy. When I told him that these are not unrealistic demands, but he told me "It's unrealistic because I don't have any of it :D" So he didn't seem to have the best self-esteem in the world. But what do you think? Did I do something wrong since he changed like that? Was he just tired that it was postponed? didn't he think i loved him? Was I too reluctant to make eye contact and be romantic in writing? Was it a deal breaker that I refused to talk to him on the phone when I was home? What went wrong? He never gave me a clarification about it other than that his friend and his fiancee can't get enough of each other while we are complete opposites.

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