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Not sure where to begin with this really. To say I feel stupid about writing this is an understatement. I really do not like to share with people how I feel, I guess i just don't expect them to understand or really care. It's more that I just feel like the person who is listening does not care in the slightest and that I'm just being silly and selfish. I'm a girl, 19, I haven't spoken to anybody about how I feel, I tell my friends and family on a very vague level but have never gone into detail or opened up. I couldn't even open up with people who are qualified to provide counseling, I just can't do it. I have met people who I feel i could probably open up to but, I never have or something happens that makes me immediately change my mind.
So, seeing as on here nobody can see me and nobody knows me i guess it will just make me feel like someone out there has listened and acknowledged me. Thank you stranger :)
To be honest I don't even know what's wrong with me. When i think way back, I started to feel like this in Primary, quite a bit in high school but more noticeably when I was in college. It's hard to describe but, the feeling of worthlessness, loneliness and disgust in myself is so strong that I have to go and lay down in bed. A million and one thoughts of why no one likes me, why I can't get closed to people just rush through my head, giving me a slight headache. As I right this, today has just been a downhill experience. Apart from actual events that have decreased my mood but, at this time I can't help but feel like my life has no purpose, no meaning. What am I actually doing?
Being at university has been tough, I have made friends, tried new things and enjoyed them but, at the end of the day I just feel the same. Empty.
I could never tell my sister, mum or bestfriends this. They'd probably think I'm overreacting. And that's what I feel like a counselor would say. In a way I feel like I am overreacting as there are people out there actually going through horrible experiences that affect them deeply and here I am just moping. So, I don't want to say I'm depressed but I can't think of anything else it could be. Am I lazy? Tired? I don't know. I'm just fed up.
The amount of days here at university where I have just stayed away from everyone, the world because, I feel like my presence will ruin everyone's day. That I won't enjoy anything. That there is no point trying to do anything (eating, opening the curtains) because, it is a waste and I'm not worth it.
I have friends, yet I feel like I have none. It makes no sense but, I feel so lonely, There are acquaintances, friends, close friends and best friends. I feel like an awful person because, I can't even confide in my best friends and tell them how I feel. Which is why I feel so lonely.
I do like to spend times alone, enjoying my own company but, sometimes I realise that is just an excuse i tell myself because I'm just avoiding other people.
I know that the friends I have made at university aren't really my friends, as much as I get on with them. They say they are my friends and plan to do this and do that with me but, never follow through. they lie. Even when I have taken a huge step and tried to set something up myself I get shut down and I know this is a reason why I don't like talking to people about myself. Because they will listen and then just disappear and I'm just stuck back where I started. I love to help other people, so listening to there problems is fine but sometimes I feel like I should input something about myself, I just don't. They won't care. This isn't about me. I'm not important.
I've become that person that people can go to to rant and vent at. I'm happy that they feel better afterwards but, deep down I envy that they can so easily open up and share their thoughts and feelings and what's happening in their life.It makes me angry. I could be getting help but, I just won't allow myself to.
Who cares how i feel? I'm nobody.
As I write this, I feel like my head is getting crushed. An achy headache. Perhaps from lack of sleep or food but, i don't feel like its helping me to write on here. I feel the same as I did when I started. It makes me want to cry that I have no one to call, no one to talk to when surrounded my so many people. I'm hungry, I'm tired and I feel sick. But I'm not going to do anything about it. It's stupid and I know it but, I just can't seem to find any motivation. I'm not worth it.
