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Hi all, I'm new here and this might be a bit long, but I would GREATLY appreciate any advice or support you all can offer. The situation is long and complicated, so I've created an "elevator pitch" that I think makes it a bit simpler. Please help!
I grew up in a very supportive family, and no one ever really told me "no", but I also didn't ever really ask for anything outrageous. I'm super chill. I'm appreciate simplicity and never cause/engage in drama - I just really don't give a shit about most stuff, to be honest. I would be completely content with a few books, my computer, and my camera (I'm a professional photographer) in 500 square feet. I have a lot of patience and a very long fuse. It takes a LOT to get me riled up about anything. My parents had a very supportive, "you do your thing" kind of marriage, and I assumed I'd have the same - I didn't know anything different. I was the smart kid in class, and I had the respect of all of the adults I knew. The result of all of this is that I didn't have to stand up for myself, so I never learned how.
I said I wanted to travel the world - at 5 years old (!) I told my mom that when I graduated high school, I was leaving the country and never coming back. I have always said that I didn't belong where I was. I've never felt like I was quite in the right place. Maybe I'm an anomaly; a glitch in the system. Maybe I was born in the wrong decade; maybe on the wrong continent. Whatever it was, I needed to GO. I read Walden at 8 and the resulting paradigm shift has greatly influenced me. I didn't want to get married, I didn't want to have kids. I wanted to be a National Geographic photographer-I just wanted to travel, learn, grow, experience, and to perhaps one day run the world as CEO of a major corporation. Conflicting goals, I realize, but they were nonetheless important to me and I believed in them. I was on the path.
I got married very young (19), and just went with the flow - I figured that I knew I wanted to travel the world, but hey, who better to do that with than your best friend!? It was exciting and felt very taboo to get married so young - we were determined to make it work and prove everyone wrong about getting married young. We had long late-night talks about all the amazing places we were going to travel: China, Iceland, London, Ireland, Paris... anywhere and everywhere. Now I realize that that's what "got me". He's a dreamer - he has huge plans and big exciting things he wants to do, but when it comes time to execute, he gets extreme anxiety about all the things that could possibly go wrong, which stops him from doing what he said.
I slowly realized this man is incredibly controlling and manipulative. Even when we were dating, he was this way - I knew it was happening; I just didn't realize it was a problem. I was enchanted - he cared SO much for me that he wanted to have me all to himself! In reality, he's insecure and afraid of everything, and he feels the need to protect me in an extreme way. But the thing is, I feel the need to have freedom in an extreme way. I realize his control is just a way to soothe his anxieties, but that doesn't make it any easier for a free spirit like myself.
Early in our marriage, he was often mean and demanding and sometimes really insulting, without even realizing it (giving him the benefit of the doubt here). He became violent - never toward me, but certainly in my presence, and enough to scare me. He broke things, put holes in walls, and has even (more recently) broken his hand. Again, I'm simple and chill. This kind of negative energy just tears me apart.
However, I continued to go along with everything he said with no question, because it was always easier than upsetting or disappointing him. We vacationed where he wanted to, we had the friends he wanted to, all of that. He always used to say that he wanted me to be more assertive and more confident, but I just wasn't that person. So it was like, "who cares? I can go to Disneyland every year for vacation. Never mind that I wanted to travel the world. Never mind that I wanted to be a Nat Geo photographer. Whatever - we have fun at Disneyland!" Mostly it just didn't bother me, and I loved seeing him happy. He has the most compelling, attractive personality that I love, and nothing makes me happier than seeing him smile and laugh. But also it was just easier for me to go with the flow than it was for him to be uncomfortable. I'm a caring, compassionate person and don't like to make people uncomfortable - especially my best friend and partner. Career-wise, I put myself through college and grad school, and I've increased my income by more than $100K in 10 years; that kind of success doesn't come from being a pushover. For some reason I just couldn't ever get that confidence and badass-ery to translate to my personal life.
In 2013, after more than a decade of marriage, he had a breakdown and things got exponentially worse. I went on absolute lock-down - I was terrified he'd try to kill himself if anything in his bubble was disturbed, so I was afraid to leave him alone. About 6 months into the breakdown, he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and we thought the treatment would help a lot of this, but it hasn't (to be honest, he "forgets" his meds a few times a week and skips counseling appointments very regularly, so the illness is NOT well-controlled). We moved to a new city soon thereafter and I finally found home - I finally, for the first time in my life, feel like I belong somewhere (it's a wonderful feeling!). So I started to be more assertive and to stand up for myself. I stopped taking my antidepressants, because I'm not depressed - I've just always been dealing with his insecurities and his issues projected onto me. Now that my eyes are open and I see myself for who I am, I realize I am SO FAR off target from who I wanted to be, that I'm absolutely miserable.
The problem now is that I see it. I know he's controlling, manipulative, even abusive. I know that it's happening, and I call him out on it, which only makes him feel worse. He has stopped me from doing a million things I want to do - photo shoots, traveling (even locally!), camping, time away with friends, etc. and I'm exhausted. I want to find myself. I have no idea who I am now - I'm not who I thought I would be... I'm not even who I thought I AM. I need to find a way to find myself and learn to love myself and my fear is that I can't have it all. Something has to give.
I have so many questions: Is it time to go? Is it time to start over? If so, how do I get over the guilt of abandoning someone with a severe, uncontrolled mental illness? My heart breaks.
