Leaving Emotional Abuse
Hi all, I'm new here and this might be a bit long, but I would GREATLY appreciate any advice or support you all can offer. The situation is long and complicated, so I've created an "elevator pitch" that I think makes it a bit simpler. Please help!
I grew up in a very supportive family, and no one ever really told me "no", but I also didn't ever really ask for anything outrageous. I'm super chill. I'm appreciate simplicity and never cause/engage in drama - I just really don't give a shit about most stuff, to be honest. I would be completely content with a few books, my computer, and my camera (I'm a professional photographer) in 500 square feet. I have a lot of patience and a very long fuse. It takes a LOT to get me riled up about anything. My parents had a very supportive, "you do your thing" kind of marriage, and I assumed I'd have the same - I didn't know anything different. I was the smart kid in class, and I had the respect of all of the adults I knew. The result of all of this is that I didn't have to stand up for myself, so I never learned how.
I said I wanted to travel the world - at 5 years old (!) I told my mom that when I graduated high school, I was leaving the country and never coming back. I have always said that I didn't belong where I was. I've never felt like I was quite in the right place. Maybe I'm an anomaly; a glitch in the system. Maybe I was born in the wrong decade; maybe on the wrong continent. Whatever it was, I needed to GO. I read Walden at 8 and the resulting paradigm shift has greatly influenced me. I didn't want to get married, I didn't want to have kids. I wanted to be a National Geographic photographer-I just wanted to travel, learn, grow, experience, and to perhaps one day run the world as CEO of a major corporation. Conflicting goals, I realize, but they were nonetheless important to me and I believed in them. I was on the path.
I got married very young (19), and just went with the flow - I figured that I knew I wanted to travel the world, but hey, who better to do that with than your best friend!? It was exciting and felt very taboo to get married so young - we were determined to make it work and prove everyone wrong about getting married young. We had long late-night talks about all the amazing places we were going to travel: China, Iceland, London, Ireland, Paris... anywhere and everywhere. Now I realize that that's what "got me". He's a dreamer - he has huge plans and big exciting things he wants to do, but when it comes time to execute, he gets extreme anxiety about all the things that could possibly go wrong, which stops him from doing what he said.
I slowly realized this man is incredibly controlling and manipulative. Even when we were dating, he was this way - I knew it was happening; I just didn't realize it was a problem. I was enchanted - he cared SO much for me that he wanted to have me all to himself! In reality, he's insecure and afraid of everything, and he feels the need to protect me in an extreme way. But the thing is, I feel the need to have freedom in an extreme way. I realize his control is just a way to soothe his anxieties, but that doesn't make it any easier for a free spirit like myself.
Early in our marriage, he was often mean and demanding and sometimes really insulting, without even realizing it (giving him the benefit of the doubt here). He became violent - never toward me, but certainly in my presence, and enough to scare me. He broke things, put holes in walls, and has even (more recently) broken his hand. Again, I'm simple and chill. This kind of negative energy just tears me apart.
However, I continued to go along with everything he said with no question, because it was always easier than upsetting or disappointing him. We vacationed where he wanted to, we had the friends he wanted to, all of that. He always used to say that he wanted me to be more assertive and more confident, but I just wasn't that person. So it was like, "who cares? I can go to Disneyland every year for vacation. Never mind that I wanted to travel the world. Never mind that I wanted to be a Nat Geo photographer. Whatever - we have fun at Disneyland!" Mostly it just didn't bother me, and I loved seeing him happy. He has the most compelling, attractive personality that I love, and nothing makes me happier than seeing him smile and laugh. But also it was just easier for me to go with the flow than it was for him to be uncomfortable. I'm a caring, compassionate person and don't like to make people uncomfortable - especially my best friend and partner. Career-wise, I put myself through college and grad school, and I've increased my income by more than $100K in 10 years; that kind of success doesn't come from being a pushover. For some reason I just couldn't ever get that confidence and badass-ery to translate to my personal life.
In 2013, after more than a decade of marriage, he had a breakdown and things got exponentially worse. I went on absolute lock-down - I was terrified he'd try to kill himself if anything in his bubble was disturbed, so I was afraid to leave him alone. About 6 months into the breakdown, he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and we thought the treatment would help a lot of this, but it hasn't (to be honest, he "forgets" his meds a few times a week and skips counseling appointments very regularly, so the illness is NOT well-controlled). We moved to a new city soon thereafter and I finally found home - I finally, for the first time in my life, feel like I belong somewhere (it's a wonderful feeling!). So I started to be more assertive and to stand up for myself. I stopped taking my antidepressants, because I'm not depressed - I've just always been dealing with his insecurities and his issues projected onto me. Now that my eyes are open and I see myself for who I am, I realize I am SO FAR off target from who I wanted to be, that I'm absolutely miserable.
The problem now is that I see it. I know he's controlling, manipulative, even abusive. I know that it's happening, and I call him out on it, which only makes him feel worse. He has stopped me from doing a million things I want to do - photo shoots, traveling (even locally!), camping, time away with friends, etc. and I'm exhausted. I want to find myself. I have no idea who I am now - I'm not who I thought I would be... I'm not even who I thought I AM. I need to find a way to find myself and learn to love myself and my fear is that I can't have it all. Something has to give.
I have so many questions: Is it time to go? Is it time to start over? If so, how do I get over the guilt of abandoning someone with a severe, uncontrolled mental illness? My heart breaks.
@redJackfruit1038
My heart breaks with you.
It sounds like he's got some kind of awareness of what he's doing, and it sounds like when you bring up his hurtful behavior he seems to feel guilt instead of reacting violently toward you? That's a good sign, in that you might be able to candid with him about your desire to part ways. MIGHT. As you've said he's been abusive in the past, has a controlling personality, and I can't in good faith advise you to just tell him straight up that you want a divorce when you're in the same house, because I don't know if you'll be safe.
But you know him best, and if you feel like you'd be safe then I think it's best you tell him that you both need to heal away from each other. I realize that you do love him and you don't want to hurt him in his vulnerable state, so presenting in a way that focuses on both of you getting stronger might be best. If you DON'T feel like you'll be safe I urge you to go stay with a relative and send him this communication via email.
I know I seem a little over reacting maybe but I was a very, very similar situation. I read your post and from the very start it was like describing my childhood and early adulthood.... Very eerie. I am also that super chill person that gets torn apart by negative energy. And lemme tell you it's not going to get easier, living with that kind of toxic person.
As for his own mental illness, that's not something you need to focus on anymore. You're obviously in crisis about your own mental health, not so much because you're diagnosed with a disorder but because you're in a set of circumstances that bog you down and fade your colors.
If leaving isn't an option (and sometimes it's just not the right time, I waited almost eight years myself) then maybe suggest couples therapy? But either way let him know that you're reaching your ropes end... It might motivate him to stop "forgetting" his meds and focus on healing himself before he loses such a wonderful and free spirit.
@redJackfruit1038
Hey there!
First of all, thank you for sharing all this with us. Thank you for opening this thread and making such a detailed story for us the Listeners and any other readers to be aware of.
However, this is only your perspective upon everything so it's quite hard to say what it would be best to do! What I find it really great is that you are aware of what and how much you've missed in the last couple of years focusing on your relationship and how you decided it's time to leave your meds behind and just try to analyze the best you can what it can be done from now on. This is huge!
You mentioned not knowing who you are anymore and not being able to be who you wanted to be. Why do you think you've lost so much time? Try to find new perspectives from this present moment where you are right now. Try to remember all the things you wanted to do but adjust them to your current situation and find new ways to go towards them. Time is not lost! You are not rushing anywhere aren't you? Putting pressure on yourself, thinking you've lost yourself in the process and you can't find yourself anymore won't help. Try to be understanding with yourself, your partner and your whole relationship. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt too!
You also mentioned that for years you've been really chill and understanding. We can conclude that you as well contributed to how your relationship developed but there is no reason to condemn yourself for that right now. Try to think what would make you feel better in and out of your relationship? Do you still love your partner? Do you still trust him? Also, have you addressed how him not taking his meds makes you feel? Many important topics seem to be left behind in your relationship and it's normal to feel apart from each other. Hopefully I'm not assuming much here, if so, please excuse me!
How much have you focused on yourself in the last decade? How much time do you dedicate to your own self-care, passions, time, wishes etc? Try to see these without any excuses or judging your own thoughts. You are the best person to talk about this with (yeah, talking with yourself can do a lot good!) and then see if there is a way to address these to your partner too. How is he feeling? Dealing with bipolar disorder is hard, does anyone besides you two know he has it?
Many questions yeah. But I think it's best not to overwhelm yourself and just try to take small steps into thinking about the best decision for your life. Let me know if you'd like to talk more on the subject in private or in here, i'm fine with any! I'm around starting next week.
Thanks so much for your responses. He definitely knows what's wrong. It's almost like he's powerless to stop it. But in reality, a few simple things would help.
I've been in counseling on and off throughout my adult life. I've never really received a great response from it, though, so I've decided to quit going. He is adamant that I start seeing a counselor, although I have told him that I won't, based on my prior experience. He has refused to talk about our difficult topics unless there is a counselor or mediator present. I suggested that he book an appointment with a marriage counselor and agreed to be there with him. So on his plate right now and is booking an appointment with a counselor for himself, as well as a marriage counselor for us. We decided almost 2 weeks ago that he would do this, and he still hasn't. Last night I asked him about it, and he seemed shocked-said that he hadn't because things seem to be going well and thought we didn't need to.
For obvious reasons, this is infuriating to me. He refuses to talk about the issues that we have without someone present but won't make time with a counselor to let that happen.
So, I am going to make an appointment with a counselor for myself. This will do 3 things-show him that I'm willing to put in work even if he's not, provide me the support I'll need when I leave, and provide a mediator for me to tell him that I am leaving. I think this is a good move. Thoughts?
@redJackfruit1038
Hey,
your story really resonated with me, especially your questions about whether you" should stay or go" and how you could "deal with the guilt of leaving someone as they are going through a crisis". There is no easy answer unfortunately, I think we each need to examine how we will feel, and I think unfortunately the only way to know is if it happens.
In terms of realizing that you are so far off of where you thought you would be, I know that feeling all too well. You need to address these things, you need to make signs showing that things are not going well. As he refuses to talk about things without a counsellor, may I ask if he is someone who is very good at manipulating people he just met? Would he be able to turn the situation so that it reflects poorly on you no matter what the reality is? Make it seem as though you are the "bad guy" in his story? If so, he may be wanting to talk with a counsellor so that he will have someone else who will reinforce his side. He needs to know that things are not good, even if he feels as though things are going well, if you are not happy then the couple is not happy. One side does not get to just decide that everything is fine.
I would be very careful if he is violent, especially to the point where he has broken his own hand. You need to express yourself and make yourself heard, but you need to be safe. You say that he knows what's wrong but seems powerless to stop it, but a few simple things would help. You need to set those boundaries. You need to make it clear that there are certain things he needs to do. Give him hard limits about things you can tolerate in the relationship and things you cannot. He should do the same with you. You need to sit down and really talk about this. I'm sorry to be blunt sometimes, but I don't want you to have to go through the same thing I am going through. You both need to know each other's limits, and you also need to know each other's needs. This one is important, you need to know what he needs and he needs to know what you need. Do you have someone in the city that you really trust and really know well? If so, make a little bag of stuff, enough clothes to last for a week. This is your emergency bag. Keep it with the friend you trust. If everything goes sideways (and I really hope it doesn't and you can get through this) you need to have somewhere safe, and secure that you can go to.
I really hope you can get through this, you deserve your dreams, it's time to start standing up for them. It sounds like you have supported him a lot, but you need to be partners and you need to be mutually supportive.
Good luck!
I've never been in such a horrible situation, just scratched the surface comparing to your story, but leave, do not feel guilty, it seems it is time to love yourself more, just leave him at a safe distance, like at your parents place or so, yes that might seem harsh but just in case he would turn violent against you it is better to be safe at a distance then eye to eye even tought that might seem cold for being married to the person, if he is "forgetting" his meds, he's not trying to make anything better and you should move on and do what will make you happy, yes it is a shame but he needs to take his responsibility too and pull his straw to the relationship, if you don't see him even trying then it isn't worth it. He has nor ight to manipulate you and keep you from doing things despite his mental illness. You could work at it togheter but unless he works to and let you be you, then go be your own.
