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rediscoveringmeaning
1 2,182 M Hopeful Heart 3
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts84 Forum posts4 Forum upvotes8 Current upvotes8 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2025 Member sinceJuly 19, 2021
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A Se**ual Monster Inside Me
Addiction Support / by rediscoveringmeaning
Last post
 January 8th, 2025
...See more It all started in 2021, when the relationship with the woman I loved the most, was becoming close to a hellish torture, and worse, it felt never ending. The unforeseen arguments pounded my brain nerves, anxiety attacks hurt every inch of my body, my self esteem was non existent, and every insult turned me, day by day, into a walking dead body. The woman I had sacrificed my career, friends and family for, had become my biggest enemy. I endured, keeping the voice shut. And I was willing to do so until death would come. And a strange snap happened. My silent voice, my hurt heart and the shadows within me took form of a monster. And it roared so loud, I ran in all directions The man who would never take a glance at another woman even in the absence of his woman, was out on a hunt, now befriended by the monster of desire to woo any woman who would meet his part. And the conscious me could never defeat his justifications Cheating, st**p clubs, es**rt services, club pickups- you name it, and I and the monster were on a roll, roaring every streat, every city we went. I didn't know who I was. But this monstrous me felt better than the absolute ignore, unimportant, despicable me that I was. The relationship didn't survive. Neither did the real me I and the monster had lot of "fun"... Until one day, I realised that I was farther than my family then I ever was, I was lonelier and I am begging for money coz I'm in terrible debt. The monster had tricked me. And here I was, a bigger loser than the one I was. Where am I today? I'm fighting the monster- one day at a time. What does it include? Staying away from women, redifining the way I look at women. Quitting drinking, avoiding smoking. And the immeasurable pain that emerges in me every night. I sit with it. A cry to a broken relationship (I miss her so badly, but I know if I stay a week with her, I'll die of torture) A hug my loneliness staring on my computer screen A pass my addictions by giving up on my triggers and embracing the physical pain. This is my day 4 of being sober from the monster. Thank you if you read it so far and gave me your valuable time
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I can't forget her
Relationship Stress / by rediscoveringmeaning
Last post
 August 30th, 2021
...See more She had an avoidant attachment style. And I am an anxious person. It started two years ago. I was at a point where I was nihalistic about life and had settled for whatever I had, mostly because of my OCD. Then she entered my life. It was a new city new college and a beautiful hill. We fell in love. She cared for me and cared for her. Soon, I saw a side of her which wasn't very pretty. She was snapping often and getting angry at every tiny thing that happened. My anxiety began to rise. She had a tough childhood and a tougher experiences with men, which had made her very self reliant and sometimes cold and hurtful. Her behavior continued, my anxiety kept growing. I could never confront her. I always kept calm and tried to maintain the relationship. My mental health soon began taking a toll. I became extremely anxious, depressed and lost. I had heighted fears and was breaking from inside. I began to take out anger on myself, sometime slapping my forehead. I was becoming more and more unhealthy. I tried communicating my problems to her a lot of times, and even when she assured me that she understands she continued with her behavior. With time she became brutal. I would cry for hours on phone saying sorry for things I had not done till the point my head started aching. I developed unhealthy patterns. When I tried of becoming firm, she disapproved of my behavior and punished me emotionally for the same. I felt stuck. Lot of things happened. My behavior was growing unhealthy and resentful and she continued on hers. Untill one night, we had a huge fight where all my anger came out in a very objectionable sentence, as she told me she didn't want to be with me and kept cutting my calls for 2 hours while she talked with her ex on phone. This was a month back. She broke up with me. And I was devasted. I begged, I pleaded, I cried but nothing helped. She was very cold and I understood the reasons behind the behavior. I did a lot of wrong things too, may be not as big as hers but I did, out of my anxiety. But me accepting mistakes has never helped so far. I'm not able to type much. I'll leave it at that.
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