I can't forget her
She had an avoidant attachment style. And I am an anxious person. It started two years ago. I was at a point where I was nihalistic about life and had settled for whatever I had, mostly because of my OCD. Then she entered my life. It was a new city new college and a beautiful hill. We fell in love. She cared for me and cared for her. Soon, I saw a side of her which wasn't very pretty. She was snapping often and getting angry at every tiny thing that happened. My anxiety began to rise. She had a tough childhood and a tougher experiences with men, which had made her very self reliant and sometimes cold and hurtful. Her behavior continued, my anxiety kept growing. I could never confront her. I always kept calm and tried to maintain the relationship. My mental health soon began taking a toll. I became extremely anxious, depressed and lost. I had heighted fears and was breaking from inside. I began to take out anger on myself, sometime slapping my forehead. I was becoming more and more unhealthy. I tried communicating my problems to her a lot of times, and even when she assured me that she understands she continued with her behavior. With time she became brutal. I would cry for hours on phone saying sorry for things I had not done till the point my head started aching. I developed unhealthy patterns. When I tried of becoming firm, she disapproved of my behavior and punished me emotionally for the same. I felt stuck. Lot of things happened. My behavior was growing unhealthy and resentful and she continued on hers. Untill one night, we had a huge fight where all my anger came out in a very objectionable sentence, as she told me she didn't want to be with me and kept cutting my calls for 2 hours while she talked with her ex on phone. This was a month back. She broke up with me. And I was devasted. I begged, I pleaded, I cried but nothing helped. She was very cold and I understood the reasons behind the behavior. I did a lot of wrong things too, may be not as big as hers but I did, out of my anxiety. But me accepting mistakes has never helped so far. I'm not able to type much. I'll leave it at that.
@rediscoveringmeaning
omg, okay, first of thank you for sharing, and I hear you, to be honest I felt like I'm the girl. I appreciate that you've tried to communicate what made you uncomfortable despite the anxiety of confrontation, thank you for that, despite of the unseen change of behavior,
Thank you for taking time to read my story. It means a lot how people who have not known you, can empethize with your pain
We can connect sometimes if you like
i'm going through it right now..and the worse thing is we are officemate bu he dont even want to talk with me..
I hope and pray that things get better in the best way possible for you. I'm there for you whenever you need me friend. Thank you
Hi friend! I’m here to help. I’ve had a number of experiences dating, and I hope my stories and rational for why I made my choices helps you. I’m going to tell you about three former partners of mine, and how I grew from them.
First, I think I understand the kind of behavior you had experienced from her. I had a partner that showed eerily similar behavior towards me while I was in high school, and it was brutal emotionally. The way I responded to that behavior was extremely similar to you, initially. You mentioned a fight between you two? Even if what you said was mean or not exactly elegant, I’m proud of you for getting to the point of speaking up, even if it didn’t end how you wanted it too. In my case, I never expressed the feelings and it led me to hold onto them in unsteady relationships with other partners for a maybe year after. You did something that was good for yourself in the long run. This former partner and I ended up going to the same university and jump forward to the first day of senior year. At this point in college, I’m really happy. I’ve worked on myself. I’m standing outside the math building, and I see a man watching me intently while waiting for our classes to open up. After 20 minutes, I actually got so uncomfortable I went to a different entrance. Then it hits me why he’s staring. He’s my former partner, the same one who treated me poorly all those years ago. I didn’t recognize him. I didn’t recognize him, so I had nothing to say to him anymore. I never forgot his poor treatment though. It will take time to do this, but I think one day, when it comes to her, you will learn that you can forgive her without forgetting her actions.
I think I’ve also maybe been in the same position as your former girlfriend, too. I do believe I learned some unfortunate behaviors from the previous guy I mentioned, and I’m still unlearning it in current relationships. During my sophomore year of college, I dated a different guy who also had anxiety and depression like me, but experienced them at a higher intensity than I did. I loved that he told me I made everything better. At the same time, I made EVERYTHING better for him. He was relying on me to a point where I felt like I was living the lives of two people at once. Not kidding, I even did a semesters worth of class work for him at one point because he would fail out otherwise. I split with him because I needed him to grow on his own and the amount of time it would take for him to do that was longer than the amount of time I could continue to handle helping him without cracking myself. I told him when we broke up that if one day, years in the future, we are back in each other’s lives, and I see that he has figured out enough about himself to push forward, I’d consider getting back together. He contacted me through every possible way after this. He even showed up and sang a song he wrote for me outside my house. As a girl in today’s world, part of her refusal to talk could just be her looking out for her own safety. I know it’s harsh from her, but in her mind, it could just be a precaution, even if you’ve not given her a reason to feel unsafe. The main reason I went cold turkey with my ex was because if I went back, he wouldn’t get the growth I knew he needed. Now, he is happier at a different university studying to be a pharmacist. He grew on his own, and and he is back in my life as a friend. He taught me more than anyone else that you can love someone and still let them go.
Finally, something I hear after a break up a lot is the cliche “she’s the one that got away”. Some people think they’ll never get over that one person, and maybe you’re feeling this now. I thought the first guy was that way for me, but he wasn’t. Instead, my “one that got away” was actually a woman I met 8 years ago and haven’t seen in 7. We met in Europe, and it was an epic love story. For backstory, I’m also a poet, published and everything. In 8 years, I have never once been able to write about that love story, despite its storybook material. No phrase could easily capture her face, her personality, or how she curled up on my shoulder. I clearly remember HER, but I admit I’ve lost her last name and my one photograph of her over time. For years, I dreamed about finding her one day until I had an epiphany that finally let me write. Last week, I realized I don’t have to hold onto her, specifically, any more. I don’t need her last name or photograph to cherish the good memories we did have. If you hold onto the good memories instead of holding onto her, it helps you heal much faster.
I hope this helps. Good luck friend!