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redwood1215
344 M Embraced 3
PathStep 11 Compassion hearts35 Forum posts2 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeJune, 2021 Member sinceApril 12, 2021
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Not being considered in major decisions
Relationship Stress / by redwood1215
Last post
 April 13th, 2021
...See more Hello all. I'm struggling within my relationship of over a year currently. Lots of things are piling up including work stress, dealing with my menstrual health issues, inconsistent sleep for the both of us, but I think my main hurdle is that my partner wants to be in an open relationship, and is seeing other people. They just let me know that they're back with an ex-- I don't know for how long but I had a feeling--without talking to me about it first and asking how I felt. This has happened quite a few times through our entire time together. I have no desire to control what my partner does and I want to be supportive and love unconditionally, however, I cannot ignore my own feelings and desires. My perspective is that I also love many people, family, friends, even strangers I've only met once (and I even feel some attraction to others), but I have consciously chosen to set aside space in my life for specifically this person so that we can connect and grow together as a couple. I thought we were on the same page when my partner proposed to me a while back and said "I can get on your level, we can be exclusive". I said yes. Then I realized they were still seeing someone else, and when I requested time for us to talk and asked about it, they denied agreeing to exclusivity. Our engagement has since been called off, although my partner has told me they still want to marry me in the future when we have more stability. I've done a lot of work to educate myself about open relationships over our time together. I want to understand. I've talked to friends who have had experience with open relationships. I even started seeing a therapist on my own who specializes in that. Even he said my situation was unusual. The common thread of advice between all these conversations I've had is "it's not an open relationship if not everyone is consenting". I definitely feel that I'm being cast aside and not considered in this situation. In the past, talking about it with my partner has resulted in anger and defensiveness: "You're just jealous/codependent, why do you hate (the other partners)?, if you don't like it you can leave". I tried breaking up with them in December because I felt I could be a better friend than partner at that point. We were long-distance for a while because I had to move, so it was over the phone, unfortunately. I did my best to be compassionate and clear about ending it. The response I got was something like "you can't drob bombs on me like this, I don't consent to breaking up". They even said "if I have to drop (other partner) for you to stay, just say so, that's easy." I didn't agree to that term because I feel that it'd just be a cop-out and not really solve the issue. Regardless, it was very muddy and we drifted back together after they broke up with this other partner soon after. There is/was(?) a third partner that they were/are(?) in a "throple" with. That was also a recent development I found out about from others before my partner talked to me about it. I could go on, but in short, I'm confused. I feel lost. I know I'm not the perfect partner, and I have a lot to work on regarding my own trauma and communication skills. I love this person very much and I want to come to agreements that allow us to be happy together consistently have happiness and balance. I'm open to the idea of trying to bring others into our sex life/relationship if it's something (and someone) we agree on together. Am I in the wrong for not being okay with the way things are going currently?
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