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selfconfidentPlace3571
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PathStep 13 Compassion hearts11 Forum posts4 Forum upvotes11 Current upvotes11 Age GroupAdult Last activeNovember, 2021 Member sinceMarch 12, 2021
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Self-Help for Unresolved Childhood Trauma?
Depression Support / by selfconfidentPlace3571
Last post
 March 18th, 2021
...See more I am looking for suggestions on how to help myself process and cope with childhood and adulthood trauma due to lifelong verbal abuse. I have a parent who has Narcisstic Personality Disorder. All of my life, I have suffered from severe anxiety, panic attacks, and episodes of depression. When I was little, I couldn't understand why I felt so scared and lonely. From the outside, my family looked perfect. It wasn't until I got married (last year) that I began to see just how dysfunctional my immediate family is. My mother completely dominates everything by manipulating, gaslughting, and verbally abusing other family members. They are all terrified of making her angry. The worst part of her abuse is: 1) She consistently makes others feel stupid or crazy if they question her or try to set boundaries, 2) She does not hesitate to use her faith to manipulate others (When I had a horrible car accident at age 20, she told me that the Lord did that to me because I had "mistreated" her), 3) If she cannot get her way by playing the victim, she will resort to violence. I went No Contact with her in November after she repeatedly violated my boundaries, attempted to gaslight me, and refused to acknowledge her actions. This is the same as it always had been, but THIS time, I was 6 months pregnant (with COVID-19). I FINALLY SAID ENOUGH. I researched and discovered Narcisstic Personality Disorder, and now it ALL makes sense. I have been verbally abused my entire life, made to feel like a crazy, stupid, or evil person for having my own thoughts and ideas, and almost completely robbed of my own identity. Things have been better since I have gotten her out of my life, but I have recently been having panic attacks and depressive episodes. I don't know how to move past 28 years of being told (almost daily) that I am not enough, not strong enough, not "Godly" enough, not successful, etc. Even though I know these words were just the cruel games of a jealous, manipulative monster, that monster raised me, and she left deep wounds. Does anyone have any self-help techniques for beginning the process of working-through past traumas?
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Is It a Trauma Response or Depression?
Anxiety Support / by selfconfidentPlace3571
Last post
 April 11th, 2021
...See more I want to know if anyone here struggles with responses to past traumas, and if my current issues seem to be trauma responses. I've been experiencing episodes of intense anxiety and panic all of my life. I've struggled with depression off-and-on, but things have gotten intense in the past few weeks. When the last year, I have moved, gotten married, gotten a new job, and had my first child (ALL during COVID). I have also completely cut ties with most of my family. I have a parent who has been verbally abusive, cruel, and manipulative my entire life (I believe she has Narcisstic Personality Disorder). After she repeatedly refused to respect my boundaries (or my husband's), be accountable for her own actions, or treat me with respect (she went so far as to tell me I am "easily led by others" and that "I have always been stupid") I cut-off contact with her. She told me that I was "being mean to her" and "bullying her" by standing up and saying that I had had ENOUGH. I do not want her to have any contact with my baby. Because she is so controlling, she will not "allow" other family members to see my baby, because SHE cannot see my baby. Other family members are that frightened of her. Because of so many recent changes in my life, along with my narcisstic parent's continued attempts to abuse me through a smear campaign, I have had to deal with a lot. The past two weeks have been extremely hard. I keep having intense episodes of anxiety and panic, coupled with depressive thoughts, feelings of worthlessness, inadequacy, etc. These episodes can last anywhere from an hour to all day long. They are like panic attacks, but they tend to be triggered by minute things (like spilling a pitcher of water or feeling self-conscious about my post-pregnancy body). My husband is incredibly supportive of me. He takes care of the baby when I am feeling these things so that I can leave the room to get myself together. He does get upset if his repeated efforts don't seem to help me feel better (who wouldn't?), and I can tell that my issues are beginning to weigh him down. I know that postpardum depression is likely part of what I am going through, but I feel like the trauma I endured being raised by a narcisstic parent (and now having ended my relationship with that parent) is causing me to further question my own identity. After being told all of your life that you are stupid, crazy, wrong, evil, and foolish for trying to express your own thoughts and ideas, you tend to over-think, over-question, and feel no sense of self confidence.
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