Self-Help for Unresolved Childhood Trauma?
I am looking for suggestions on how to help myself process and cope with childhood and adulthood trauma due to lifelong verbal abuse. I have a parent who has Narcisstic Personality Disorder. All of my life, I have suffered from severe anxiety, panic attacks, and episodes of depression. When I was little, I couldn't understand why I felt so scared and lonely. From the outside, my family looked perfect. It wasn't until I got married (last year) that I began to see just how dysfunctional my immediate family is. My mother completely dominates everything by manipulating, gaslughting, and verbally abusing other family members. They are all terrified of making her angry. The worst part of her abuse is: 1) She consistently makes others feel stupid or crazy if they question her or try to set boundaries, 2) She does not hesitate to use her faith to manipulate others (When I had a horrible car accident at age 20, she told me that the Lord did that to me because I had "mistreated" her), 3) If she cannot get her way by playing the victim, she will resort to violence. I went No Contact with her in November after she repeatedly violated my boundaries, attempted to gaslight me, and refused to acknowledge her actions. This is the same as it always had been, but THIS time, I was 6 months pregnant (with COVID-19). I FINALLY SAID ENOUGH. I researched and discovered Narcisstic Personality Disorder, and now it ALL makes sense. I have been verbally abused my entire life, made to feel like a crazy, stupid, or evil person for having my own thoughts and ideas, and almost completely robbed of my own identity. Things have been better since I have gotten her out of my life, but I have recently been having panic attacks and depressive episodes. I don't know how to move past 28 years of being told (almost daily) that I am not enough, not strong enough, not "Godly" enough, not successful, etc. Even though I know these words were just the cruel games of a jealous, manipulative monster, that monster raised me, and she left deep wounds. Does anyone have any self-help techniques for beginning the process of working-through past traumas?
Dear self confident, firstly I am soooo sorry about your terrible experience I feel your internal pain . I get it I had a narcissist father and I suffered so badly as a kid and the fallout effected my entire lifes choices everything I did was driven by fear and anxiety. I have also experienced assault as an adult which added to my pain unbelievably. I was diagnosed with CPTSD last year. It got really bad in the workplace as there's was a person there bullying me on top of all this. I understand your going no contact ......it's the safest way to protect yourself and you have every right to do that. I had all those same things told to me ,your not good enough, your stupid, you are bad( with physical abuse too) etc. I started with writing in a journal at first and walking in nature as much as possible, using art and meditation. These things helped but then I ended up going into professional therapy. After dealing with way to much I had to. And I left the job too. I discovered how much all this has affected me negatively over years of taking abuse. ( It took me many decades to figure all this out I'm in my 50s now) But I am improved I do take meds( had to for my own safety from my pain and darkness). I also have purchased a few books on narcissistic fathers and codependence, and surviving s.assault. it's taken me down a road of eye opening education on how damaging narcissists are on their children. I hope this helps, I wanted to share so you see your not alone as I felt very alone in my experience and still do. I'm lucky to have a sister who also was a victim and she's a huge support to me. We are to each other very much. Your a strong person , your a survivor and I wish you the best on your path to finding what works for you to find healing and joy. ABB
I know a book that could help you - The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk.
https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748
@selfconfidentPlace3571
I think one thing for sure that will help is talking about it. Tell your story so you can feel acknowledged and see that most people will probably agree with your perspective. My boyfriend right now has a similar background when it comes to verbal abuse. He used to be closed off and anxious all the time, but after 3 years together with me, sharing all the memories he has of his upbrining, he's told me that he is overcoming anxienty and finding peace of mind for the first time in his life. I hope you have friends or family that can listen and support you and hep you recover
