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I met this girl four months ago at a bar through a mutual friend and we immediately hit it off. I walked her home that night (we live in the same city she just lives a couple miles away) and got her number. The next day I texted her and asked her out to dinner. The date went well, we seemed to connect and have some common interests and she came back to my place to watch a movie with me. Towards the end of the movie things got physical and we slept together. She stayed the night but I had to leave early the next morning for work. I was gone three weeks and we texted and FaceTimed just about every day. I got home from work but she was now gone on a business trip and would be for the next 6 weeks. I flew out to visit her and we had a great time sightseeing and doing various activities together (including lots of sex, it was clear from the start that we had great physical chemistry and both of us shared the love language of touch).
I flew home after that weekend and we spent the next 6 weeks apart, again texting/snap chatting/FaceTiming just about every day. We had great conversation and talking just seemed so natural and easy. As soon as she was home we started getting into the Christmas spirit together. We are both Americans living in Germany and got to go to several Christmas markets, celebrated her birthday in Prague, then topped off a New Years trip to Budapest. My little brother flew out to visit me and commented on how much chemistry he noticed between us and how good of a fit we seemed to be. On New Year’s Eve I drank a little too much and apparently told her I loved her (after 2.5-3 months of being together). She told me about it and I asked how she responded and kind of deflected the question not trying to scare her off. I had brought up a couple weeks ago how she would introduce me to friends and she just deflected that. I didn’t read much into it especially because she just started telling people we met in Budapest I was her boyfriend.
The next day after getting back from Budapest I had another month long work trip to see if I would get hired for a new position that would move me back to the states. We talked every day despite the time difference and it seemed like we had a solid system in place for dealing with being apart from each other. However, during my last week, right before my big interviews, she casually mentioned having a call with her therapist later. I had no idea she was in therapy and when I asked her what she was seeing a therapist for she said “I wasn’t ready for that yet.” I got a text from her when I was done with work to call her again and when I did she told me she saw a therapist because she was diagnosed with “borderline personality disorder.” She explained it a little to me and said I had an out if I wanted it but I assured her I did not want an out and that I was committed. She seemed satisfied with my answer; however, the next day she hit me with some big news. She told me she had another therapy session and her therapist helped her realize she still had significant feelings for the ex she had before we started talking. She said she thought we should stop seeing each other because it wasn’t fair to me. I remained calm and told her I’d like to talk when I was back in Germany. She agreed but said she wasn’t sure if she should still get me from the airport. I convinced her it would be fine and we could talk when we got home.
The pickup from the airport was less awkward than I expected. She genuinely seemed excited to see me, we hugged, we kissed, and the 2 hour car ride back wasn’t uncomfortable. We got brunch and then as things started to get physical she said she wanted to talk first (and I agreed I was just abstinent for a month and the sight of her was waking up all those suppressed feelings). We talked about her ex and I shared my view of getting back with exes to be a regressive thing that never seems to work. That there is always a reason we break up with someone and it’s best to move forward and find the right person. She told me they dated for 4 months and then started a long distance relationship because she moved out to Germany. He came and visited her last July and then she ended things because he was acting more introverted than normal and didn’t want to do any traveling. She said they got back together and then broke up again (didn’t specify the length of the breakup or how long they were together again) and then a couple months later she met me. I’m not sure how much more we talked but it seemed like I convinced her it was a mistake to go back to her ex and that we had a really good thing she should stick with. We had great sex, watched a movie, had more sex, went out to eat with my friends, came back to my place, watched another movie, had more sex, and then I went to get ready for bed. I assumed to find her passed out still cuddled up naked in my bed, but when I came out of the bathroom she was fully clothed and said she needed to leave. She said she still kept thinking about her ex and felt like if she didn’t try again with him she’d regret it. I sat on my floor and tried to reason with her that it wasn’t a good idea. Told her I don’t know anything about her ex but I know plenty about myself and about us and that I knew she’d be making a huge mistake by walking out my door. She walked out. I broke down and wept on my floor and every day now she is still constantly on my mind.
I have removed all the photos of her and put them into an app I won’t open to avoid the pain of seeing things as I scroll through my photos. I haven’t snapped, texted, or even seen her since. I haven’t removed her on all social media yet because I’m still not really sure how I feel. There is anger, anger that she could be so disrespectful to me and disregarding of how good that I’ve treated her. There is sadness, I have never connected with someone so well and so fast and then lost it. There is confusion, I can draw no rational conclusions for why she would want to leave me. I gave her everything I had to offer and I have no clue how that couldn’t be enough or how this other guy could give her more. It was also just such a sudden shift. There were no signs before she talked to her therapist and all of the sudden she feels she has to end what we have. I feel bad but the only rationalizing I can do is to assume it’s because of her mental health issues. That makes me sad for her and it makes me wonder if I should even consider taking her back should she come running. My stance on not getting back with exes is that there was always a problem with the relationship and a reason it came to an end. However, I saw no problems with our relationship and no reason for it to end in the first place.
Maybe I’m still too close to the point of injury to see the big picture, yet I have done lots of reflection and consider myself a pretty self aware person who is able to admit to my faults. Not being able to find things I did wrong or even signs of things she didn’t like about me is what is making this so tough. She had nothing to give me, no feedback, no reason why we didn’t work. Only that she still loved her ex and didn’t love me in the same way. As she walked out my door and said “I don’t regret anything with you” and then left. I texted her telling her to let me know when she reached out to her ex so I could get some closure. She texted me the next day saying he was willing to try again. I just responded “good luck and hopefully I was wrong” and haven’t talked to or seen her since. I don’t know what advice you might have for me but I could use something. I always want to take things out of my relationships to make the next one better but I genuinely don’t know what I can improve on or do differently.
