sensitiveLemon388 Member Profile

...See more Hi, I think this the best place for my situation but if not please let me know! My ex boyfriend and I had an amazing two month relationship. I fell for him very hard and when I get into a relationship I become very reliant on that person for my happiness and am too emotionally dependent, I become obsessed on the person I’m with which is something I need to work on in future. I learnt whilst I was with my ex boyfriend that he has suffered on and off for years with depression and even had a suicide attempt 3 years ago. We even connected on the fact that we’d both previously had therapy for our mental health. In the middle of November he started pushing me away and being a bit off with me and then one night he messaged me saying he’d had a think about things and that he’d been struggling lately and getting really angry and taking it out on everyone and that he didn’t want to take it out on me as I deserved better than that and I should be with someone that can love me properly and treat me the way I deserved. I didn’t think this was the right decision as we’d had a really good relationship and I wanted to stay by his side whilst he was struggling and be there if he wanted to talk to me and help him with anything he needed. I thought it was an irrational decision and told him we could keep it just as a break if need be and then soon we’d be together again as I knew he’d regret his decision. But he insisted and so we broke up. I was devastated and cried my eyes out every day for two weeks. Then about 16 days later he messaged me again asking if we could meet. When we met he told me that he’d just got a job and so he felt a lot happier as he was now out the house 5 days a week and so wasn’t stuck arguing with his parents everyday. He said that he’d made a mistake and I was right and he did regret everything and it should’ve just been a break so I said that’s great but how do you know this isn’t going to happen again and he promised me it wouldn’t happen again as he now knew what it felt like to lose me and didn’t want to experience that again. We then met up again two days later and I said to him that surely I made him happier and so instead of pushing me away when he feels down instead it might be useful to use me as a distraction and meet up with me or FaceTime me instead and he agreed that it was a good idea. I also told him that, that was the only second chance he was getting as it wasn’t fair on me and I didn’t want him thinking he could drop me whenever he felt like it and I’d come running back as soon as he changed his mind. We were getting along again really well for a little bit and then 10 days after this conversation we fell out as I thought he was making excuses not to see me. After not speaking for a few days I messaged him asking if he was okay and he told me that he felt a lot of pressure to meet me regularly when he was working 10 hours a day, 5 days a week and especially as we could only go on walks together anyway. So I told him that that’s fine and we don’t have to see each other until it’s properly allowed again and we can see each other inside instead. Then he carried on being a bit off with me so again a few days later I then asked him why he seemed to be taking things out only on me and being off with me but fine with everyone else and he essentially said he didn’t know but he wanted me but didn’t want a relationship and so again I said that’s fine and we don’t have to worry about getting back into a relationship for now and we’d just carry on how we are but that we’d still be exclusive which he said was fine. I did however have to tread on eggshells around him anytime anything that happened and bite my tongue eg when I found out he’d had a conversation with his ex behind my back instead of falling out with him I calmly said some things and decided to save the rest for when I felt he was in a better mental place, I did this with a few things. Then come Christmas Eve and I wanted to drop some chocolates round to him (as we’d agreed not to actually do xmas presents). So I called him twice and he didn’t answer, we’d never actually called before and hadn’t FaceTimed for a long time but when I then asked in a message he wouldn’t even let me go and drop them off on his doorstep - when we wouldn’t even need to have face to face contact. Christmas Day night we managed to have a fairly normal conversation for the first time in a long time. And then on Boxing Day he ignored one of my Snapchat’s so I messaged him again 3 hours later and asked if he was okay and if he wanted me to message him or give him some space and he told me to just leave him alone for a bit so I said that’s fine I’ll message you tomorrow. So I left it two days instead and then messaged him asking how he was feeling and he just ignored it. I then messaged him on New Year’s Eve saying ‘happy new year x’ and he said ‘you too’ and that was it. Then on the 4th January when the Uk went into another lockdown, I decided to message him checking how he felt about the lockdown and he said he didn’t care as he could still work and was just annoyed that he couldn’t play football with his mates (no mention of not being able to see me at all). So I then asked if he wanted me to leave him alone for a bit longer and he said yeah and then I said okay but then can you message me when you’re ready so I’m not just stressing about how long to give you and he said okay. And that was the last time we spoke. Everytime someone asks me how he is, I of course have to tell them we haven’t spoke for ages and so everyone has a negative impression of him as they can’t see how he can behave this way towards someone he loves and think I deserve better. I always have to try my hardest to fight his corner. Two days ago I posted a photo on Snapchat of myself, which led to him completely unfriending me on there I then followed this up with a text message to him asking how he could do this to me and saying that I surely deserve an explanation. He never replied and I am definitely not expecting to receive a reply. That night I spoke to my best friend and my mom about this in floods of tears and both essentially told me to leave him as I deserved better and there’s just no excuse for some of the things he does. That he’s just selfish and has an extreme lack of empathy towards me. I’ve since spoke to other friends who have said similar things. He doesn’t speak about his mental health at all so everything I’ve worked out about how he handles it I’ve had to figure out myself. I think he self destructs and gets angry and takes it out on those around him I think the way he’d speak to me once we started messaging again when he’d tell me that he doesn’t want to see me and doesn’t want a relationship is his way of trying his hardest to hold onto me and not end things again but still slowly pushing me further and further away until he eventually had to unfriend me. I think he hurts himself by not allowing himself to talk to me - the only person that makes him truly happy. I also see the unfriending as a very heat of the moment decision, I know as soon as he gets into a better head space he’ll re-friend me and be super apologetic about doing it in the first place. I think that when he asks me for space he blocks my entire existence completely from his mind so seeing my social media presence must make him think of me and then feel hurt or guilty maybe because of how he’s treating me. My plan before he unfriended me was when he decided he wants to chat to me again we’ll have a chat about everything that’s happened and I’ll suggest to him to seek professional help because clearly getting a job which he felt would help has not and if he agreed to get help I could be as involved in that process as he needs me to be whether that’s booking doctors appointments for him or attending them with him, I’ll do anything I can to help if he’d let me. Every single person around me is saying that I need to put myself first and leave him as my mental health is equally as important, which I understated but I think if I can get him the help he needs then everything will be fine because his mental health is the only thing standing in our way of having a great relationship. Equally I really love him and am not ready to give up on us yet as the thought of becoming strangers and him ever being with anyone else makes me feel sick. But he has technically blown the one second chance that I gave him and broke his promise of never doing this to me again only a month later. I also don’t want him to think that he can drop me and have me whenever he wants. I know I deserve better than this but I want to stand by him through it all as I know he loves me. But every single person is telling me that I’m stronger than this and shouldn’t put up with it. I have told him that I’ll wait for him as long as it takes him to feel better so even if it took years I would wait for him and help him as much as and as long as it takes. What do I do? Is there excuse for everything he does or are there some things he just can’t excuse such as not answering the phone to me or completely unfriending me? Do I stand by him and love him unconditionally or do I have to leave him and protect myself? I recently had the idea of maybe suggesting we stay friends just for now whilst I help him and then maybe I won’t get as upset when he lets me down and he won’t feel so much pressure to live up to things and then when he gets help and starts feeling better, maybe we’ll try again. Last night I saw something that said that depressed people don’t mean to hurt you and the best thing you can do is just love them unconditionally but I just don’t know if you can excuse everything he does. It’s not that me and my friends don’t know anything about depression, a few of us suffer with mental health problems ourselves we just tend to do the opposite of pushing people away. I’m sorry about how long this is but suggestions on what I should do from here would be greatly appreciated!! Thank you so much for reading.

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