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sociableKite2196
80 M Embraced
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts9 Forum posts2 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2022 Member sinceMarch 14, 2022
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Help! IDK if there is any hope left :-(
Relationship Stress / by sociableKite2196
Last post
 March 14th, 2022
...See more so my boyfriend suffers from horrible horrible trust issues from his prior relationship.. and over time it has completely changed his image of me.. I am absolutely every terrible thing a person can do in a relationship all rolled up into one and I get treated like it too.. he tries.. but he is literally night and day from himself it's like a whole different person how do I know when to give up and stop fighting? He is the absolute love of my life and when he is not in his head we are more than perfect. I just don't really know how much more roller coaster I can take it's not fair.. I have so many emotions anger hatred sadness pain fear.. idek had a comprehend them much less deal with them appropriately but almost every single day I either am falling back in love with him like when we first met or getting my heart ripped out and decimated.. there is no real in between any advice?
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IDK where to start, this post got way longer than I wanted it to but please read to the end
Relationship Stress / by sociableKite2196
Last post
 April 2nd, 2022
...See more So back in August 2021 I was working with this guy and when I quit we hit it off! It was literally one of the best feelings / relationships I have ever experienced! He had been recovering from a long-term narcissistic relationship from 3 years prior and I had just gotten over my kid's dad 6 months before.. THINGS COULDN'T BE BETTER! Until of course I decided to get in my head that I would relapse.. and instead of accomplishing that got busted for possession 🤦🏻‍♀️ He was understandably freaked out and hurt but he ended up taking me back and we moved on. Two weeks after that he went through my phone and found a time where I had tried to go get drugs and didn't.. So all this apparently ended up setting off some sort of repressed trigger in his head from his prior relationship and it has turned into something almost undescribable.... His trust issues are so out of control that he has changed his image of me into something grotesque. Now keep in mind if his accusations were of like me going and getting high behind his back or something like that I would at least understand.. but I have been not only accused of infidelity but multiple times with multiple partners basically everywhere I go that's not around him.. it has been so bad and I choose to just take my self out of situations that could be bothersome....yes I am aware that was not the right way to handle it... And I guess I should have just gotten out before they got as bad as they have.. So fast forward a couple months and things have gotten so much worse it's hard to even comprehend.. I ended up severing ties with my roommate.. who was the guy.. understandably one of his biggest issues with our relationship with me living with him.. so now my two-year-old and I are living and a 400 ft studio apartment with him.. it was definitely not my choice but I didn't have anywhere else to go which since the relationship is already Rocky AF that was probably the worst thing that I could have done.. But I could probably sit here and ramble about stuff that may or may not..probably not. . even be pertinent to the situation.. so I will just cut to the chase... It goes like this, most days are the 180 version of him where he is mean accusative and leaves me absolutely speechless sometimes that all I can do is just SMH.. and on occasion let's throw in the alcoholism and the 180 version of him drunk is just the meaning and cruel...but I love this guy right?? Like I cannot imagine my life without him.. he is 100% my yang and I am his yang we complement each other so ridiculously much I couldn't make up a better partner.. and there are days where he is desperate to try to fight those voices in his head and overthinking.. those days are remnant of the beginning and I am so ridiculously hopeful and optimistic that it just sucks me right back in.. emotionally it is such a roller coaster I can't believe I'm still in it.. it is like I Fall in Love For the first Time every time and then get my heart ripped out and desecrated within 48 hours.. we are both mentally exhausted I can't bring myself to give up on him because it's not like a narcissist.. which have been with in the past.. he genuinely tries and it seems like he is a whole different person.. it's kind of crazy TBH SO I SWEAR TO GOD THERE IS A QUESTION IN THIS... Today he broke up with me for this simple fact that he can't trust me.. because to him I am everything you could imagine.. a cheater a liar gold digger whatever like I have so many emotions all at once IDK how to handle them.. how to feel.. a part of me wants to fall apart and see every ounce of my being puddle into a pathetic mess of a person... Keeping in mind that I have not done anything wrong especially when it comes to his accusations so there is this other part of me that is insistent on a lie detector test just to prove him wrong.. then there is this unfamiliar side that comes out it's angry it's in pain and I don't see it very often.. that side says that it's not fair that he can walk away from this relationship thinking that he dodged a bullet and be happy of his choice even proud just to leave me high and dry completely alone and completely heartbroken.. I feel like he deserves to feel as bad as I do because I didn't even do anything wrong and then another part of me just feels used.. unintentionally but still used so he could better himself and be with the next girl who gets the love treatment etc that I should have gotten.. then I deserve especially after everything I've put up with in hopes that he would see what was right in front of him I think I'm pathetic I feel that I should just move on.. but I also have this gut wrenching pain when I think of giving up this unmistakable feeling but that is the wrong choice I don't know if I could continue on with my life just wondering what could have been.. what should have been..ADVICE? WISDOM? ANYTHING?
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