sourcherry420 Member Profile

...See more Hello, I have had anxiety/depression for most of my life. I've had a lot of trauma (even now at 25) from my mother. I have an older brother who has always been the favourite. I know he's made mistakes and I've kept secrets for him but he would turn on me in a second and my mom would get me in trouble. My mother has told me before that she only got pregnant with me because her birth control started making her sick. I tried bringing this up before and she starts playing victim. "Oh, I never said that! I've always wanted you! How dare you say I'm a bad mother!" Stuff like that. She would tell others that her daughter is so pretty and be nice to me but depending on who was around she would tell me that I need to lose weight, boys will never love me if I'm fat, i stink, etc. She was basically my biggest bully and she still is. I had lost my shit on her a couple years ago and my brother even stood up and defended her. I know I have my flaws and I've made mistakes and I'm doing my best to be better and all I wanted was to be acknowledged. I feel like I don't belong. I try to fit in, I try to be funny or talk about my own experiences and a lot of the time I get ignored. I try to express my feelings or thoughts and I'm told I'm stupid or irrational. Or I make a mistake and I'm labelled as stupid and sometimes i get told I can't do the thing I messed up. "There's a speck of food that can easily get wiped off on this plate so you're no longer doing dishes" It's like everyone expects me to be perfect and I have this expectations that I should be perfect but I'm not. So instead of doing anything I just sit and cry and best myself up. I dont know what to do anymore. I sometimes think I'd be better off dead but I know I'm too scared to actually do anything. So I silently hope for something bad to happen

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