Lost
Hello,
I have had anxiety/depression for most of my life. I've had a lot of trauma (even now at 25) from my mother. I have an older brother who has always been the favourite. I know he's made mistakes and I've kept secrets for him but he would turn on me in a second and my mom would get me in trouble.
My mother has told me before that she only got pregnant with me because her birth control started making her sick. I tried bringing this up before and she starts playing victim.
"Oh, I never said that! I've always wanted you! How dare you say I'm a bad mother!"
Stuff like that.
She would tell others that her daughter is so pretty and be nice to me but depending on who was around she would tell me that I need to lose weight, boys will never love me if I'm fat, i stink, etc.
She was basically my biggest bully and she still is. I had lost my shit on her a couple years ago and my brother even stood up and defended her.
I know I have my flaws and I've made mistakes and I'm doing my best to be better and all I wanted was to be acknowledged.
I feel like I don't belong. I try to fit in, I try to be funny or talk about my own experiences and a lot of the time I get ignored. I try to express my feelings or thoughts and I'm told I'm stupid or irrational. Or I make a mistake and I'm labelled as stupid and sometimes i get told I can't do the thing I messed up.
"There's a speck of food that can easily get wiped off on this plate so you're no longer doing dishes"
It's like everyone expects me to be perfect and I have this expectations that I should be perfect but I'm not. So instead of doing anything I just sit and cry and best myself up.
I dont know what to do anymore. I sometimes think I'd be better off dead but I know I'm too scared to actually do anything. So I silently hope for something bad to happen
Hi. I'm so glad that you have mustered up your courage and shared with us your feelings and situations. I wish I could give you a tight hug. Don't get me wrong. It's just that while reading your texts I could see the scenario of what you had to go through all these years and all by yourself.
I'm very proud of you that you are still fighting with your problems. Dear, I know life is very tough for you and it may get tougher but please don't wish something bad for you because that will hurt you more.
It may give you relief for a few moments but then it will give you more mental and physical pains. During childhood, I have also asked the same as you and then finally God felt like to agree with my wishes. Believe me or not I was in bed for almost a month. Couldn't walk, and a part of my body was paralyzed. I was feeling hopeless lonely and much more. But the most painful was taking antibiotics injections. Mann those are painful. Still, the pains didn't end there it carried on for to next two years. And then finally I got rid of it but the scars of injections and surgeries are still there all over my body...
See, I can't change your mom, or neither I can tell her anything, nor either I want to. I just want to give you a piece of advice. Don't think about what others will think about you. They are no one to judge you. Who cares how you look or how you dress up. Just be you, the way you love yourself. It's easy to say and hard to do I know that but nothing's impossible.
So, get up and start working on yourself. You don't need to be perfect. Imperfect also suits people. Instead sometimes imperfect suits better than perfect. But yeah my dear whatever you do it should be on your limits, never cross that line. I hope you understood what I'm trying to say.
And I'm very sorry if I have said anything which has hurt you. I'm not trying to be rude here. I hope you will understand. All the best for your life. 😇😇
It's really hard when even your own family can't give you the love and support you want and need. Unfortunately the reality is that it doesn't always work that way, and somehow we will have to learn to get by, with or without their support. This is not to say that it is simple or that you do not have the right to be sad, on the contrary: it is important that you feel empowered to feel all the emotions, and if this is a very big problem for you, the best thing is to talk about it, with a friend, a listener here on 7 Cups or even better a therapist. Know that you are not alone, and that even if it could be a long and painful process, it is possible to learn to love yourself and return to live your days with serenity even without the support of your family.