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sunnyFarm4538
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PathStep 2 Compassion hearts19 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes10 Current upvotes10 Age GroupAdult Last activeMay, 2026 Member sinceJanuary 25, 2024
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I dont know how to even name this thread
General Support / by sunnyFarm4538
Last post
 February 3rd
...See more Hey guys. First of all, sorry about this thread and what you are about to read. I know this site is made for things like this, but i don't think its made for this weight so i wont even judge anyone if they report it and it gets deleted. I really got nowhere else to leave this behind. I surrender. I can't exist like this anymore, and existing is the only word that feels right. Even if i am not sure, i cant think that i am a wanted child. My mother was 7 months pregnant when they married and looking at that marriage i don't think it should have ever happened. Or that I should have ever happened. Early years are something i don't remember, except some things where i was embarrassed in front of everyone. They liked to do that, even now. I guess I was the only thing funny enough to entertain everyone. And then my father started drinking somewhere in the early years of ordinary school. From that moment i was a patrol in that house so he doesn't do anything to my mother. And that was basically all i was up until moment where he told me i can k177 myself just like one of my only friends at that time did. At that time i was already diagnosed with depression and anhedonia, all behind their back, and he can dance around lucky i didn't do it that day since i knew where his gun safe key is and putting a bu113t in it and c0ck1ng it back was easy, pulling the tr1663r wasn't. I didn't even have conditions to make some good friends and socialize up until I got my drivers license because I was born in the middle of nowhere and busses to there were so limited that i had no other choice but to go to school, socialize in those school hours if i even had time and go back to home. I wont pretend that i did make them after license since i was socially anxious and depressed already at that time. Asking him to drive me somewhere before that license was pointless, and my mother never learned to drive so it felt like I am living in an borderless cage. Even my best friend, that i know i wasn't best friend to but still, turned on me when we are not alone and someone joins us. That friend used to come to my place sometimes, and i am not sure if i liked it or hated it since my father called him "son" more times than he called me like that. I cant even remember if i ever heard him call me "son".  And the thing that hurts the most is how everyone makes me feel invisible and unimportant. Even my mother, the only person i love and that i can get a hug from, threw the fist in my eye on Christmas. That was the day when something in me d13d for good. That moment when you look how everyone gets thoughtful gifts; my sister loves painting so she got her easel with block of papers and paint, father got his glasses and a bottle of alcohol in a set from her. Even my sisters boyfriend got an original hoodie from his favourite soccer club. And what did i get? A body gel and 3$ Temu hat/scarf/gloves set. Wash yourself because you stink and hide so we don't have to look at you. I guess only one side enjoyed me spending half of my paycheck on their presents. I won't even touch physical, people like to pretend that doesn't matter, and if you think of any male trait except one that every male has, i probably don't own it.  Long things short, i am done. My 25th bday is in 23 days and those 25 years are enough. Every time i tried to change something, anything, it always showed me that some things will stay the same. I wont go into details about this because i dont want to inspire anyone, there is nothing inspiring about this. Take care everyone, i hope you will get dealt with better cards in life. Love yall. ps. if @MysticLove is still on this platform, i hope she will see this or that someone who listens to her will tell her this because it still crosses my mind a lot how i disappeared that day from listener account and i am really sorry. I was not in a best place and i couldn't even help myself, yet alone someone else. I just hope that she is doing better, she was one of the few people in my life that were kind to me, even when she was not in the best position herself.
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