I dont know how to even name this thread
Hey guys. First of all, sorry about this thread and what you are about to read. I know this site is made for things like this, but i don't think its made for this weight so i wont even judge anyone if they report it and it gets deleted. I really got nowhere else to leave this behind. I surrender. I can't exist like this anymore, and existing is the only word that feels right.
Even if i am not sure, i cant think that i am a wanted child. My mother was 7 months pregnant when they married and looking at that marriage i don't think it should have ever happened. Or that I should have ever happened. Early years are something i don't remember, except some things where i was embarrassed in front of everyone. They liked to do that, even now. I guess I was the only thing funny enough to entertain everyone. And then my father started drinking somewhere in the early years of ordinary school. From that moment i was a patrol in that house so he doesn't do anything to my mother. And that was basically all i was up until moment where he told me i can k177 myself just like one of my only friends at that time did. At that time i was already diagnosed with depression and anhedonia, all behind their back, and he can dance around lucky i didn't do it that day since i knew where his gun safe key is and putting a bu113t in it and c0ck1ng it back was easy, pulling the tr1663r wasn't.
I didn't even have conditions to make some good friends and socialize up until I got my drivers license because I was born in the middle of nowhere and busses to there were so limited that i had no other choice but to go to school, socialize in those school hours if i even had time and go back to home. I wont pretend that i did make them after license since i was socially anxious and depressed already at that time. Asking him to drive me somewhere before that license was pointless, and my mother never learned to drive so it felt like I am living in an borderless cage. Even my best friend, that i know i wasn't best friend to but still, turned on me when we are not alone and someone joins us. That friend used to come to my place sometimes, and i am not sure if i liked it or hated it since my father called him "son" more times than he called me like that. I cant even remember if i ever heard him call me "son".
And the thing that hurts the most is how everyone makes me feel invisible and unimportant. Even my mother, the only person i love and that i can get a hug from, threw the fist in my eye on Christmas. That was the day when something in me d13d for good. That moment when you look how everyone gets thoughtful gifts; my sister loves painting so she got her easel with block of papers and paint, father got his glasses and a bottle of alcohol in a set from her. Even my sisters boyfriend got an original hoodie from his favourite soccer club. And what did i get? A body gel and 3$ Temu hat/scarf/gloves set. Wash yourself because you stink and hide so we don't have to look at you. I guess only one side enjoyed me spending half of my paycheck on their presents.
I won't even touch physical, people like to pretend that doesn't matter, and if you think of any male trait except one that every male has, i probably don't own it.
Long things short, i am done. My 25th bday is in 23 days and those 25 years are enough. Every time i tried to change something, anything, it always showed me that some things will stay the same. I wont go into details about this because i dont want to inspire anyone, there is nothing inspiring about this. Take care everyone, i hope you will get dealt with better cards in life. Love yall.
ps. if @MysticLove is still on this platform, i hope she will see this or that someone who listens to her will tell her this because it still crosses my mind a lot how i disappeared that day from listener account and i am really sorry. I was not in a best place and i couldn't even help myself, yet alone someone else. I just hope that she is doing better, she was one of the few people in my life that were kind to me, even when she was not in the best position herself.
@sunnyFarm4538
I think I can relate too much of what you have talked about here. There is no question that I was an unwanted child. My mom made it clear to me repeatedly. Both of my parents were a mess. My mom was a hyper religious, bipolar, schizophrenic, with features of narcissism and borderline personality disorder. My dad was a chronically depressed alcoholic. Neither parent was capable of hanging onto a job. I was molested by one brother, and bullied by both of them.
When I was 10 years old, I was determined never to reach the age of 11, and was in the process of ensuring that I didn't, when my brother stopped me. I had that ideation frequently for the first half my life. For a variety of reasons, school was horrible for me. For one thing, there was little opportunity for me to make friends because we were often evicted because my parents couldn't pay the rent. I went to 13 schools in nine years before dropping out.
Feeling "invisible and unimportant" was a survival strategy for me because as long as I was not being noticed, I wasn't being mistreated.
Both of my brothers received nice clothes and gifts, while I received practically nothing, and never new clothes, which made me an object of ridicule in school. I was also sickly and out of shape and bullied at school as well.
Physical touch? There was no affection in my family. The only "touch" was beating and molestation.
Like you, I told myself "I am done" many times. I haven't mentioned many of the traumatic things in my past. I lived without self-respect or self-esteem. I felt hopeless, also that the world had nothing to offer me.
There was no spectacular event or thing that happened to turn my life around. Instead, I found myself taking note of the tiniest of positive experiences, such as a bit of tasty food, petting a dog, walking under a pretty sky, or someone's smile.
I mentioned dropping out of school at 15. When I did that, I also left home. I scraped by with several menial jobs. I attended night classes and got a GED. Years later, I graduated college with honors.
I'm in a good relationship now and happy to be alive.
The point I'm trying to make is, sufficient healing is possible to make life worth living.
You are correct, some things and some people will never change. However, your perception of and relationship towards those people and things can change. When you do change, the entire world will feel different to you, and it's likely that you will find life more manageable and fulfilling. When you can't change "something," you can still change yourself. That can make all the difference.
When I was struggling, I began "bracketing" my time, telling myself things like "all I really need to focus on is what I have to deal with right this minute," or "if I can keep my cool until lunchtime, I'll feel better."
Feel free to message me.
@sunnyFarm4538
I am really sorry to hear you had to go through all of that.
You definetely did not deserve that.
But can't you just try, once to live for yourself no worries about things you can't control and focus on things you do.
PS- Happy 25th Birthday in advance. I wish this year bring lot of good energy and people to you.
Do reach out if you think I could help you in any ways.
