sunnyday1 Member Profile

...See more This is really hard to write about because I feel a lot of guilt about what has happened and I feel very confused about why I behaved as I did and about what I want from the future. I met my husband 18 years ago when I was 19 and he was 20. I can't really remember how I felt when I first met him but I know that I'd had some rejections before then (from men I liked) so I was so happy to meet someone who liked me and who I got on with. Our relationship soon became serious and after 3 and a half years together we got married. We always got on brilliantly and made decisions about our future together. The only problem in our happy marriage was our sex life. Apart from in the first year or two, when I was quite keen, he always wanted more sex than I did. He wanted me to initiate it more. He always wanted us to try new things - which was fine. I liked that too and when we had sex, I usually enjoyed it, but it very rarely occurred to me to initiate it, especially after our children were born (they're 11 and 8 now). I always seemed to have other things to do or I was tired. Sex just wasn't important to me. I didn't find my husband particularly sexy and I never looked at him with desire. I thought that was ok. I thought it was normal for a marriage and a woman with two children. Then, 2 or 3 years ago I started to have a close friendship with another man. He was a friend of my husband too and I didn't think there was a problem, but I would meet this man for tea and conversation. One day we were talking about affairs and he said he'd never have an affair because he was happy with his wife. I guess he knew I was starting to like him and so he gently told me he wasn't interested. I was relieved because I knew that I had had some inappropriate thoughts about him and now I knew I would never act on them. Shortly after that I started to get to know another man who I also started to spend some time with. We had some common interests which my husband didn't share and it seemed like he could help me find a job in the field I was interested in (I haven't been working for years because I was a full-time Mum though I had started studying again in preparation for trying to get a job). Anyway, I found many excuses to spend time with this man and to message him a lot. We flirted. Not too much, but enough for me to think about him all the time and to start having little fantasies. I never thought I would do anything with him but my imagination ran away with itself. He gave me a few presents and told me many times that I was beautiful. He always spoke negatively about his girlfriend. He filled me with hope, I suppose. Finally my husband saw a message from other man that he was uncomfortable with. I denied that anything was going on and did everything I could to perpetuate the relationship with the other man. My husband was patient and loving (as always - he is a wonderful person) and even started going to see a psychologist to deal with his jealousy. Finally I stopped seeing other man but I still thought about him a lot and I sent him a couple of messages in secret. Other man had a girlfriend and when I finally told him that I had feelings for him, he said he had feelings for me too but that he wouldn't act on them. I haven't seen him for months and yet I still think about him a lot. As my relationship with my husband was gradually falling apart, despite us both going to see a therapist, I clung to the hope that one day other man would realise he DID want to be with me and come and tell me. In the meantime, husband went and shouted at him and threatened him. Then, when after a few months of not contacting him, I decided to contact other man again he told me he never wanted to hear from me again or to have anything to do with me and that he loved his girlfriend. I should have got over him then, but I didn't and my doubts meant I still couldn't fix things with my husband even though he was still waiting patiently for me and telling me he loved me and wanted to be with me. Why did I treat my husband so badly? I never felt unhappy with him. I truly do love him and think he's a wonderful person. I love spending time with him. During this whole process he has told me that for many years he's felt starved of affection and that he always hoped I would turn into a partner who would be more affectionate and sexual with him. I think of myself as an affectionate and sexual person, so why couldn't I be that way with my husband? He finally had enough at Christmas and said he wanted a partner who knew 100% that she wanted to be with him and that he wanted someone who would show him more affection. So now we are separated and I am struggling to find my feet as I look for a job and try to decide where to live (I didn't mention that we live abroad and that actually the way I met these men was giving them English lessons). Should I move with the children back to my home country? How will I support myself when, for years, my husband earned all the money and organised everything about running our household? I feel terrible for treating my husband so badly and I really don't know what I was looking for in these other intimate friendships. Has anyone else been through anything similar? I have some friends who fell for other men, but they seemed to be quite unhappy in their marriages, so it makes more sense whereas I never thought I was unhappy and the only missing element was a sexual desire for my husband and even though I say that, I did enjoy sex when we did it and in the last couple of years it had been better than when the children were younger. Sorry...I've written an epic post here. I hope someone can help me understand what I've been going through and help me find a way forward. Thanks.

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