I broke my husband's heart
This is really hard to write about because I feel a lot of guilt about what has happened and I feel very confused about why I behaved as I did and about what I want from the future.Imet my husband 18 years ago when I was 19 and he was 20. I can't really remember how I felt when I first met him but I know that I'd had some rejections before then (from men I liked) so I was so happy to meet someone who liked me and who I got on with. Our relationship soon became serious and after 3 and a half years together we got married. We always got on brilliantly and made decisions about our future together. The only problem in our happy marriage was our sex life. Apart from in the first year or two, when I was quite keen, he always wanted more sex than I did. He wanted me to initiate it more. He always wanted us to try new things - which was fine. I liked that too and when we had sex, I usually enjoyed it, but it very rarely occurred to me to initiate it, especially after our children were born (they're 11 and 8 now). I always seemed to have other things to do or I was tired. Sex just wasn't important to me. I didn't find my husband particularly sexy and I never looked at him with desire. I thought that was ok. I thought it was normal for a marriage and a woman with two children. Then, 2 or 3 years ago I started to have a close friendship with another man. He was a friend of my husband too and I didn't think there was a problem, but I would meet this man for tea and conversation. One day we were talking about affairs and he said he'd never have an affair because he was happy with his wife. I guess he knew I was starting to like him and so he gently told me he wasn't interested. I was relieved because I knew that I had had some inappropriate thoughts about him and now I knew I would never act on them. Shortly after that I started to get to know another man who I also started to spend some time with. We had some common interests which my husband didn't share and it seemed like he could help me find a job in the field I was interested in(I haven't been working for years because I was a full-time Mum though I had started studying again in preparation for trying to get a job). Anyway, I found many excuses to spend time with this man and to message him a lot. We flirted. Not too much, but enough for me to think about him all the time and to start having little fantasies. I never thought I would do anything with him but my imagination ran away with itself. He gave me a few presents and told me many times that I was beautiful. He always spoke negatively about his girlfriend. He filled me with hope, I suppose. Finally my husband saw a message from other man that he was uncomfortable with. I denied that anything was going on and did everything I could to perpetuate the relationship with the other man. My husband was patient and loving (as always - he is a wonderful person) and even started going to see a psychologist to deal with his jealousy. Finally I stopped seeing other man but I still thought about him a lot and I sent him a couple of messages in secret. Other man had a girlfriend and when I finally told him that I had feelings for him, he said he had feelings for me too but that he wouldn't act on them. I haven't seen him for months and yet I still think about him a lot. As my relationship with my husband was gradually falling apart, despite us both going to see a therapist, I clung to the hope that one day other man would realise he DID want to be with me and come and tell me. In the meantime, husband went and shouted at him and threatened him. Then, when after a few months of not contacting him, I decided to contact other man again he told me he never wanted to hear from me again or to have anything to do with me and that he loved his girlfriend. I should have got over him then, but I didn't and my doubts meant I still couldn't fix things with my husband even though he was still waiting patiently for me and telling me he loved me and wanted to be with me. Why did I treat my husband so badly? I never felt unhappy with him. I truly do love him and think he's a wonderful person. I love spending time with him. During this whole process he has told me that for many years he's felt starved of affection and that he always hoped I would turn into a partner who would be more affectionate and sexual with him. I think of myself as an affectionate and sexual person, so why couldn't I be that way with my husband? He finally had enough at Christmas and said he wanted a partner who knew 100% that she wanted to be with him and that he wanted someone who would show him more affection. So now we are separated and I am struggling to find my feet as I look for a job and try to decide where to live (I didn't mention that we live abroad and that actually the way I met these men was giving them English lessons). Should I move with the children back to my home country? How will I support myself when, for years, my husband earned all the money and organised everything about running our household? I feel terrible for treating my husband so badly and I really don't know what I was looking for in these other intimate friendships. Has anyone else been through anything similar? I have some friends who fell for other men, but they seemed to be quite unhappy in their marriages, so it makes more sense whereas I never thought I was unhappy and the only missing element was a sexual desire for my husband and even though I say that, I did enjoy sex when we did it and in the last couple of years it had been better than when the children were younger. Sorry...I've written an epic post here. I hope someone can help me understand what I've been going through and help me find a way forward. Thanks.
I think that you two just lost intrest in eachother and that happens it happend to me and my boyfriend we lost intrest but you need to find someone who is going to be better for you
Sometimes things happen for the best or for reasons out of your control. No one but you knows why you felt the way you did, and that is not something you have control over. I don't have any advice, but I wanted to say that I support you through your journey. Be strong, better times are ahead :)
I'm a divorced male who went through the exact same thing you out your husband through. My ex allowed me to go through therapy for something I though I was wrong about. I was always supportive and tried for 2 years to save my family. In the end, I made the right decision by leaving. Sometimes, you can not undo what has been done. I forgive her and I wish her happiness. But it will never be with me because if we were meant for each other, non of this would have happened. It's hard losing your family. But many lessons are learned in it and hopefully you come out a better person as I'm sure he will. Good luck in your new life. Every decision we make as a parent must be a selfless one for the sake of our children.
Hi. I empathize somewhat with your husband. I'm married with three kids, as happy as anyone could expect I guess. Definitely appears to everyone that we are happier than the average.
We've been married 15years but it wasn't until last year that I realized I wanted a lot more affection than I had been used to. Other than the occasional frustration of initiating affection (sexual and non-sexual), I didn't feel unhappy. Now it's become painfully obvious she isn't one to hug or kiss me unless I'm coming in from a trip. I get more hugs from other women on any given day than from my wife. I have other women asking after me and taking the time to talk than my wife does. I have somewhat settled in my mind that this is my lot and I should just get used to it. So to cope, I'm trying to figure out how to fill my need for affection without stepping out in her. Can't talk to anyone about this so I ended up googling and found 7 cups.
@Kingmaker I am sorry you are feeling unloved by your wife. Have you talked to her about how you feel? Easier said than done I know. I wish I would have communicated and been honest before I made the mistake of having an affair. I dont know if I will truly even forgive myself. There are so many things I wish I would have done to either fix my marriage or end it. An affair was not the right decision. Not just for what it did to him but what it did to How I feel about what Ive done.
I agree with you. This isnt something we can speak to about anyone. Not friends, not family, no one. I tried that and was judged by everyone. I get it. I understand why everyone tried to tell me to get away from the man I had the affair with. I just needed to talk to someone. I havent really found anyone that shares these feelings yet. Its torment.
@happylove2018 I'm going through something similar, and made the mistake of half opening up to a friend and she wasn't as receptive as I hoped, and since ghosted on me. I haven't told anyone anything. With all my mental health issues it's easy to hide the heartbreak but I fear I will get caught in the lie eventually.
@Kingmaker I'm so sorry you are going thru this. Please do sit with your wife, maybe go to a calm place outside the house and ask her to listen to you and that you are not attacking her. Maybe do some research on how to communicate this to her prior, if you dont have an open communication (from what i read it seems to be an issue) and tell her you would like to do therapy together. I think it's the best thing.
Lots of strength
@sunnyday1
I can't speak about marriage but I can speak in terms of a long relationship. You just weren't honest with yourself. You clearly lost interest if you went back and back to other people. Is much easier to just be straight forward and say "I'm not happy anymore" and in that moment you either do your best with your partner to work things out, or break up. I know sounds too simple but things are that simple. The fact he tried to make things better and you went back to others in my view was a waist of time from both of you. He tried to save something that was lost and you kept lying to yourself. Also sex wise, he just loved you and wanted to express that physically like any couple wants I think, and since you weren't exactly happy in the relationship you didn't feel the same way.
Either way I'm very sorry for your situation. Next time do not be afraid to speak your mind. Honesty is the number 1 key in a relationship. If you can't be honest with yourself and the other party my advice is to not go / keep going in a relationship. Because being cheated on isn't exactly cool, really damages the person, and cheating isn't also good because you have this fake hope from pretty much a stranger and it turns to be a painfull reality.
To al the guys in this thread who are sticking with it and not giving up: you're amazing. I really hope that your women wake up and realize what they have before it's gone.
Hearing what you are going through is painful, and I can relate in the sense that my husband had an affair and still doesn't know what he wants. His depression led him to it, and unfortunately it affected our relationship to the point where we aren't sure we can salvage it. We were together about 3 years before we got married, and now coming up on our second year of marriage I've been so lost on how to move forward and whether to let go or keep fighting. Everyone changes, you just have to find the person who can change with you, not apart from you. I hope you can find happiness and that you heal from this experience. We all make mistakes, it's how we forgive and improve ourselves that will change our lives. Try to forgive yourself, and be kind to yourself, you are human and none of us have everything figured out. Remember you're never alone. <3
@sunnyday1
What you did wasn't ok per say, but you are human. You didn't cheat. This happens to a lot of people. Wanting more attention, or to feel wanted, etc.
I think you two should spend some time appart, but do think about it. You might change your mind, as you said. I wouldnt go back to your home country for now. There is no rush. I'm sure you will find something. If not, then yes, it might be a necessary step