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sunshineflower3899
304 M Embraced 2
PathStep 25 Compassion hearts13 Forum posts3 Forum upvotes7 Current upvotes7 Age GroupAdult Last activeApril, 2021 Member sinceMarch 30, 2021
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Need to get this off my chest
Trauma Support / by sunshineflower3899
Last post
 April 1st, 2021
...See more In 7th grade I had a 'boyfriend'. We dated for 9 months, and then he cheated on me for someone who was and I quote... "prettier then me and would do more." My freshman year of high school I was talking to a guy who ended up being my first kiss, who cheated on me with his best friend because and I qoute..."She would let him do more." My sophomore year of HS I was talking to this guy. We were really close friends and always there for eachother, then he caught feelings...more like lust. He told me things I never knew and taught me things I didn't ask to learn. He would always tell me the things I was supposed to do for a guy...sexually. He then sexually assaulted me during a class in school. And a short while later he was arrested right in front of me at school for drug dealing. Also during my sophomore year I met this guy and we really hit it off and became boyfriend and girlfriend. The first time I was ever alone with him...he touched me without consent. At this point my mind had been so confused and corrupted that I was unsure of what to do. All I knew is that I was scared...terrified actually. But I did nothing about it. When it first happened I think I was in such shock and denial that I froze and really could not do anything about it. Each time I was alone with this guy he got further and further. And if there was a time when I was able to say no and get him to stop...he would get mad. And he would hurt me. He would tell me I was worthless. That no one else would ever love me. That what he was doing was supposed to happen. And that I deserved the punishment after refusing him. After 3 months of the relationship I found out he had cheated on me every weekend with someone else for about 2 months which finally gave me an escape route and the relationship ended. Just a few months later I started a relationship with someone else. It started pretty well, I told him about what happened to me before. And he was very understanding and sympathetic, but he had never had a girlfriend before. So he never did 'boyfriend' things like show affection, and he blamed it on never being one before. Throughout the whole relationship he would flirt with the girls in his grade knowing it upset me and he always threatened to go out with them because I had "too many issues." As the relationship started he would try and pursue me sexually and I would always stop him. Each time he got a little more upset by my answer, til eventually he told me I was worthless and no one would like me if I wouldn't let him. As days went by things got worse...and worse. He gave me zero attention or affection unless it was sexual. To him I was nothing but a body for him to mess with. At one point he was so mad he nearly hit me, he had always been aggressive, but one time he was an inch from slapping me across the face. If I hadn't moved he would have. Eventually I was able to escape that relationship as well though it was a very difficult and traumatizing end. My juinor and senior year of HS after all the toxicity and sexual assaults, I had a teacher who always got really close to me, touched my back and shoulders, and had me turn around or bend down for him or asked me inappropriate things. There were also boys that would grope me at school, take pictures of my behind and send it around or set it as there wallpaper, and guys would tell me inappropriate things and fantasies they had with me. I finally graduated and was able to get away from them all... But then I had grown men who harassed me at work, followed me in public, stalked me, said inappropriate things. And guys who always ask me for things or send me things without consent. And no matter where I am or what I am doing there is always a guy who does something...
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My story...*trigger warning*
Trauma Support / by sunshineflower3899
Last post
 March 31st, 2021
...See more It has taken me a while to come to terms with what has happened to me...and recently the hazy memories have become more real and I'm starting to remember more. And it is a scary feeling to remember it all, and the flashbacks are so realistic. Throughout high school I was always oversexualized. Boys sexually assaulting me in class and in the halls, teachers flirting with me and hitting on me, boys saying very inappropriate unsolicited things to me, and many more unbelievable situations. Throughout my whole life as well I have been harrassed in public. By men and women. Being cat called, confronted about my physical appearance, followed, etc. Many very uncomfortable and scary situations. So all that alone has given me severe anxiety and fear to be alone and to be in public alone. But the more secere situations were in 2 relationships I have been in. The first 1 sexually assaulted me countless times. In situations where I could not escape or find safety. This person also manipulated me and emotionally abused me into thinking I was worthless besides my physical self. And without him no one would love me or want me. He was also aggressive and hurt me...many times. Eventually I was able to get away, and then this person proceeded to stalk me and follow me until they eventually let it go. The 2nd person, who was told about the previous person, who knew what had happened to me before...sexually assaulted me as well. Thats when I really started believing thats all I was. Just a body for them to play with when they wanted to. No other affection was given to me by them unless it was sexual. I was manipulated into doing things I never wanted to do. And the ptsd from the previous relationship made it even harder to step away and stop what was happening. This relationship lasted 11 months before I was able to get away. Nearly every week for 11 months I was sexually assaulted, emotionally abused, and torn down by this person. This person also constantly flirted with other girls and threatened to leave me for them because they could give him more. The relationship was nothing but toxic and left me with more anxiety and ptsd then ever. And now nearly 4 years later... I am started to come to terms with what happened to me. Realizing it was real and not just a nightmare. And that my feelings, anxiety, and ptsd is real and VALID. I've been fighting this battle alone and in the dark for 5 or 6 years. And I'm finally at a place where I can speak up and give my heart and mind the help and nurture they need.
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