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supalark
2 526 M Embraced 4
PathStep 13 Compassion hearts134 Forum posts20 Forum upvotes103 Current upvotes103 Age GroupAdult Last activeMay, 2026 Member sinceAugust 12, 2023
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AI
Depression Support / by supalark
Last post
 March 12th
...See more Does anyone else use AI to make themselves feel worse? I'll get it to show me that i am below average in appearance, intelligence in my field, etc.  I cant stop. When it starts giving me "contact 988" or something like that, i start a new thread.
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Lack of Value of Hard Work
Depression Support / by supalark
Last post
 June 9th, 2025
...See more My identity is tied into hard work. I feel like I've worked hard in my life. I'm about to turn 44, and I've been gainfully employed since I was 16, but cut grass/split firewood/etc and such from the time I was 10. I worked full time at night when I was an undergrad, and ended up with three STEM degrees.  Most of the world will tell me that, as a straight, white man, most of what I have is due to privilege, not hard work. ChatGPT says 80% of what I have is due to my birth circumstances, not my hard work. I'm supposed to check my privilege at every chance...yet, where were those same people when I worked two full time jobs 100 miles apart?  Where were they when I was working nights full time, and going to class full time?  Today, my long term partner (19 years, whom I helped raise her son into adulthood) informed me that she does not value hard work. It's foolish- there are plenty of ways to make money without hard work. She fancies herself an entrepreneur, but never seems to get any of her ideas off the ground.  We didn't really fight. It was more just part of a conversation that we have different values- she values a life of ease, and I will always find hard work and new challenges to pursue. At this point- the only thing I really have to offer the world is hard work. The person closest to me says that's not valuable, and perhaps foolish. The rest of the world says I'm not even working that hard, and it's really just my privilege that brings me the meager successes and accomplishments I have. Bottom line- the thing I value the most is of little value in the real world.  If nobody wants what I bring to the table, do I: 1) Flip the table, tell them all to eff off and leave. 2) Slowly walk away from the table and just check out.  I turn 44 in a few days. That may be a good day to decide which of these to do. In the mean time, I may move into my car and office for a few days instead of going home.
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Purpose of life?
Depression Support / by supalark
Last post
 March 10th, 2025
...See more 43/m here, straight white man who had all the privilege and supposedly played the game of life on easy mode. In B4 "boo hoo poor white man" I'm middle aged, and there seems to have been no purpose to it all. I have no biological kids, so evolution has chosen me as a loser. I raised my girlfriend's son from when he was 5 until he was 18. He gets married in a few months and I was not even invited to the wedding- no fight, no major disagreements - just not important to him. He's mildly autistic, so the fact is his dad is his biological dad who he saw four times a year growing up. He's going to the wedding, of course. (dad's a good guy- not knocking him) I have a handful of STEM degrees, and now teach engineering at a college and tutor math at a high school. I took far too long to get them, and, overall, they weren't worth the time to get. My roles are 100% replaceable. Ultimately, I've had almost zero impact on this world, and have literally no purpose. I was in a bad car accident at 17 and survived uninjured. Since then, I can't help but wonder, "why," as I've amounted to nothing and have no significance whatsoever. Why survive the car accident to blunder through life to where I am now? No kids- biology and evolution have said I'm worthless. I'd like to say raising my girlfriend's son was something - but it wasn't, and biology wins there, too- I'm less relevant than the personal santa claus that showed up 4x a year. No great contributions to the world - the last resort of those who have no biological impact.  I'm reminded of a favorite quote from my favorite author, Ayn Rand: "Gail Wynand raised a gun to his temple. He felt the pressure of a metal ring against his skin—and nothing else. He might have been holding a lead pipe or a  of jewelry; it was just a small circle without significance. "I am going to die," he said aloud — and yawned. He felt no relief, no despair, no fear. The moment of his end would not grant him even the dignity of seriousness. It was an anonymous moment; a few minutes ago, he had held a toothbrush in that hand; now he held a gun with the same casual indifference. One does not die like this, he thought. One must feel a great joy or a healthy terror. One must salute one's own end. Let me feel a spasm of dread and I'll pull the trigger. He felt nothing." (I'm not going to do anything, I just understand the sentiment expressed by this passage)
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Distancing myself from everyone
Depression Support / by supalark
Last post
 February 25th, 2025
...See more I'm an extrovert and I hate it. I hate that I crave human interaction and attention. Case in point: My girlfriend and I got together almost 20 years ago. She had a son (Jason*) who grew up in my house and I helped raise from the time he was 5 until he was 18. His biological father starting getting visitation 4x a year when he was about 8. His father was a trust fund baby and would show up and give him everything he wanted 4x a year.  He's a good guy overall, no actual complaints with him. I worked to keep a roof over our heads, food, etc, but was gone a lot, I suppose. Flash forward. Jason is 24. He has a 3 year old son. He's going to get married. Bio dad is a huge part of his life (no problem with that), but I am not. I was the last to find out about his son, and it was only because I happened to be in the room when the son called. I was not invited to the wedding, either, because it's a small wedding. Jason is on the spectrum, and so he's authentic about what he wants. He invited my girlfriend and his bio dad to the wedding, and not me.  We never had a falling out. It wasn't like we got into a big fight. I'm just simply not important to him.  Now, I'm 43 years old, and it's all amounted to a big zero. I have no legacy, biological or otherwise. I just wonder what's the purpose of all this. I had a bad car accident at 17, though I was uninjured. God had a perfectly good chance to take me out, and He didn't. I look back and have to ask, "Why?" Why did He put me here? If I can't have a purpose, then what is the purpose of keeping me here?  *Obviously, I've changed the names.
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43 and of little value
35 & Over Community / by supalark
Last post
 October 7th, 2024
...See more I'm a 43 year old man. I have no children. I am in a long term relationship where I raised her son from a previous relationship. I'm realizing now that by not having children, I am biologically insignificant. I have literally consumed resources on this planet and done nothing of value.  I guess I'm a cuck. Fit for being a worker bee and a cog in the system, not for reproduction. I wish I had known years ago, so I could have not bothered with any of it. I won't hurt myself, but I wish I hadn't been born.
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Not sure why I care
Depression Support / by supalark
Last post
 August 16th, 2023
...See more I try not to worry about what others think. I'm generally mediocre- middle aged, white man with a decent university job. I struggled through my degrees, and while I didn't do everything right and take advantage of every opportunity, I did the best I knew how to do. Now, the societal conversation has shifted and I hear that everything I've done is only on account of my privilege. When I succeed, at best, it's playing game on the easy setting, and nothing noteworthy. At worst, it's on the backs of slaves and on stolen land. If I fail, well, I failed on the easy setting, which is to REALLY suck. I have always prided myself in my hard work, working two full time jobs at times, full time while in school, and so on. No matter what I do, I'll always have "had it easy". Realizing I will always be viewed and evaluated based on my perceived privilege and not my accomplishments makes me not want to accomplish anything. I haven't done anything great, and at this point, I have no desire to. I'll do the bare minimum I can get away with until I can find a way to walk away from it all. Compared to every one else who has posted, my problems are nothing, but I guess that's the whole problem. I guess the whole thing is that, by my nature, I'm weaker, and unable to deal with stress, such that everything feels like hard work, when it's just the ramblings of a whiny, mediocre white man.
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