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thelostfido
236 M Embraced 2
PathStep 4 Compassion hearts8 Forum posts5 Forum upvotes1 Current upvotes1 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2017 Member sinceAugust 25, 2014
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Never being truly happy...
Depression Support / by thelostfido
Last post
 September 1st, 2014
...See more I assume most of us understand a few symptoms of depression such as difficulties concentrating maybe even a tad bit "out of it" and just becoming a bit forgetful.  I turned 17 in June and I was officially deemed depressed in January 2014. Not too long but notice I said officially....I've been "lost" for over a year now but never wanted to seek out help. I have this clear mental vision/dream I once had.... I saw myself being a bit taller, quite skinny ...possibly healthy. This future "got what he wanted" me went through a door and entered his more than mediocre apartment. He was wearing a white shirt and dark blue-ish trousers, along with a red tie. His apartment looked like he was doing alright in life...he had everything he wanted and achieved everything he ever wanted. He didn't switch on any light but his apartment kind of had that large windowed wall like from the final scenes of Fight Club, which gave out this shade of blue light. He went up to the window and he thought of everything he managed. A light smile on his face but then a tear. All of a sudden I notice he has a gun in his hand and he brings it up to his temple and then I snap out of it/wake up gasping for air.  I imagined having everything that should've made me happy but I still pulled the trigger on myself... I'm sorry if it was lengthy and just seemed too silly... I was trying to add imagery. To know the true gritty side of my life in brief detail....I hit major slumps every now and then...I started stealing alcohol to help me "sleep"....I started self harming on my shoulders, wrists, chest and back. I stare down from heights and wonder if I'll ever be "strong" enough to end it all. I was so close to just downing every single pill I could find. I spent New Years alone just eating and drinking whilst staring fireworks. If I do go to a party I go solely to get drunk more than anything and eventually pass out. I'm a disgrace and I don't think I'll ever truly be happy...thank you for your time. ignore any errors I might've made please...
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