Never being truly happy...
I assume most of us understand a few symptoms of depression such as difficulties concentrating maybe even a tad bit "out of it" and just becoming a bit forgetful.
I turned 17 in June and I was officially deemed depressed in January 2014. Not too long but notice I said officially....I've been "lost" for over a year now but never wanted to seek out help.
I have this clear mental vision/dream I once had....
I saw myself being a bit taller, quite skinny ...possibly healthy. This future "got what he wanted" me went through a door and entered his more than mediocre apartment. He was wearing a white shirt and dark blue-ishtrousers, along with a red tie. His apartment looked like he was doing alright in life...he had everything he wanted and achieved everything he ever wanted. He didn't switch on any light but his apartment kind of had that large windowed wall like from the final scenes of Fight Club, which gave out this shade of blue light. He went up to the window and he thought of everything he managed. A light smile on his face but then a tear. All of a sudden I notice he has a gun in his hand and he brings it up to his temple and then I snap out of it/wake up gasping for air.
I imagined having everything that should've made me happy but I still pulled the trigger on myself...
I'm sorry if it was lengthy and just seemed too silly... I was trying to add imagery. To know the true gritty side of my life in brief detail....I hit major slumps every now and then...I started stealing alcohol to help me "sleep"....I started self harming on my shoulders, wrists, chest and back. I stare down from heights and wonder if I'll ever be "strong" enough to end it all. I was so close to just downing every single pill I could find. I spent New Years alone just eating and drinking whilst staring fireworks. If I do go to a party I go solely to get drunk more than anything and eventually pass out.
I'm a disgrace and I don't think I'll ever truly be happy...thank you for your time.
ignore any errors I might've made please...
Hello,
you shared something here today that helped convey some feelings that are currently a part of you. Would you like to share more? There are trained Listeners here at 7Cups that you can chat to, who are familiar with under 18s. If you like I can recommend some to you. You can send a message to me, and I'll reply with their profiles. Or you could tell us a little more of your situation here, where other members may open-up also.
I'm already speaking to a few people...Thank you for your time though
Maybe you need to look at this dream as a lesson.
The you that you saw had all these material possessions you coveted, and yet could not be happy.
So, what was missing? You're brain is trying to tell you how to be happy, you've just got to listen.
It sounds to me, like this future dream version of yourself was missing a family. I don't know your situation, heck I don't even know to what extent dream analysis is applicable, but perhaps you should try and reconnect with your family. Or focus on friends, any kind of human emotional attachment should do the job.
I love my family and everything but we're not really that close with each other...
As for friends, I consider myself as the depressed comic...the guy who finds it easier to socialisejust by acting silly in order to hide his true emotions
thank you for your time to read this
Then if we set any stock into dream analysis and what your subconscious is trying to tell you, maybe you need to try and form closer bonds with these people.
Don't think that's going to happen soon...my dad and I have our good moments but i feel like he does it just because I'm depressed. I get that but if he ever loses his temper he makes it seem he's changing his whole world for me...he's my dad though.
mother is out of the question ...she has a walking problem and that has made her quite short tempered...
brother and I rarely get along to be honest... I even told my doctor if I ever get into a fight with him... I don't think I'll hold back on how hard I'll punch him