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towers
1 26 M Embraced
PathStep 3 Compassion hearts0 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes1 Current upvotes1 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2015 Member sinceMay 19, 2014
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Self Deprication
Depression Support / by towers
Last post
 August 30th, 2014
...See more I do this terrible thing where I think that my self worth is directly correlated with what other people think of me. Except I'm not like that, I don't feel that way. I've always struggled with other people's views of me, but I've come to, for the most part, accept me. I am comfortable in my body and my skin, and I am confident enough in my abilities and my personality that I don't feel this want to impress people for anything more than who I am. Now, it seems that I am coming to a point where all of my insecurities and fears are pressing in on me all at once. This year, my senior year, is a test of all my worth and whether I pass it is completely dependent on whether I'm "good" enough for the job, or for graduate school. I feel like I want to vomit. I feel as if what I'm doing isn't as difficult as what other people do and therefore I don't have a right to feel awful. Then I feel as if other people work so much harder than me, and are so much smarter than me, and are so much better than me in every single possible facet of life, and I feel myself slipping.  I can literally feel that hole in my chest opening up, and the awful way it spits angry tar against my lungs and up my throat and I am so scared of falling back into that hole. I am so scared. Counseling doesn't seem to help too much, it's always been me that's had to claw my way out of the hole. People say that you shouldn't go through depression on your own, and they are absolutely right. It's not something that you can't tackle on your own, but the truth of the matter is also that there is no magic solution. There is nothing that a therapist, a friend, a parent, a random stranger can say to you that will magically unlock the secret to depression. It's about work, and it's about wanting to be healthy, so that even in your worst moments and those painful dark afternoons that you will have enough in you to always pull yourself a little further out of that hole.  It's during these kind of mornings that I have to slip out of my bed, force myself to make a cup of coffee, and push myself to understand that I can push myself to be better, but I can also push myself into the hole if I don't remember that I am wonderfully and beautifully made.   
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