Self Deprication
I do this terrible thing where I think that my self worth is directly correlated with what other people think of me. Except I'm not like that, I don't feel that way. I've always struggled with other people's views of me, but I've come to, for the most part, accept me. I am comfortable in my body and my skin, and I am confident enough in my abilities and my personality that I don't feel this want to impress people for anything more than who I am.
Now, it seems that I am coming to a point where all of my insecurities and fears are pressing in on me all at once. This year, my senior year, is a test of all my worth and whether I pass it is completely dependent on whether I'm "good" enough for the job, or for graduate school. I feel like I want to vomit. I feel as if what I'm doing isn't as difficult as what other people do and therefore I don't have a right to feel awful. Then I feel as if other people work so much harder than me, and are so much smarter than me, and are so much better than me in every single possible facet of life, and I feel myself slipping.
I can literally feel that hole in my chest opening up, and the awful way it spits angry tar against my lungs and up my throat and I am so scared of falling back into that hole. I am so scared.
Counseling doesn't seem to help too much, it's always been me that's had to claw my way out of the hole. People say that you shouldn't go through depression on your own, and they are absolutely right. It's not something that you can't tackle on your own, but the truth of the matter is also that there is no magic solution. There is nothing that a therapist, a friend, a parent, a random stranger can say to you that will magically unlock the secret to depression. It's about work, and it's about wanting to be healthy, so that even in your worst moments and those painful dark afternoons that you will have enough in you to always pull yourself a little further out of that hole.
It's during these kind of mornings that I have to slip out of my bed, force myself to make a cup of coffee, and push myself to understand that I can push myself to be better, but I can also push myself into the hole if I don't remember that I am wonderfully and beautifully made.
I can completely relate to your post, @towers. I too always think that I'm not good enough for anything. Why should I get this job/get into this school/etc when there are thousandsof people better and smarter than me? I struggle with those thoughts daily. I wish I could tell you something more helpful than that you're not the only one, but I haven't found a way to overcome this myself. Thanks so much sharing!
I have felt like that during all my life. I always compare to others and end up with the conclusion that I'm not good enough and that there's always someone better than me. At school sometimes I study really hard and I fail a test and then people who I know that didn't study as hard as me get a better grade and it all comes crumbling down for me and start thinking too hard and my mind makes me think that I'm stupid and that everyone else is smarter than me. But this happens not only at school but it has reached a point that it affects my relationships, whenever I like a guy my mind says "Why would you bother? He has so many better options than you, prettier, smarter and funnier girls" so I end up alone, digging my own hole. It also happens with my friends, and more than one time I caught myself wondering ifthey prefer each other than they prefer me. It's a feeling that wanders through my mind all the time and that I can't get rid of it, even though I went to therapy for like 2 years, it helped me a lot, but I still think this way. The advice I have gotten was always "Don't compare yourself to others" but I don't think I'm able to do it, it's something I do without thinking it, because of my own instinct. And believe me, I hate it, because it privates me to enjoy life sometimes. Like Barush, I haven't found a way to overcome it myself either but I totally understand you, you are not alone.