tskr Member Profile

...See more Boy, this is probably gonna be a long one. To start I've never really talked to anyone about my problems offline or online so sorry if this is all over the place. I'll try to give it some semblance of order and formatting. I'm a 29 year old guy and well, I'm functionally a shut-in. I guess I'll start with how I got to this situation. Around when I was 13 I started getting bullied to the point I was eventually taken out of public school by my parents when I was 16 and put into an online charter school. After that I basically shut myself in my room. My sister did her best to keep me somewhat social. She would make me hang out with her friends as well as make me keep in contact with a handful of friends I had in school. To this day I still have that same group enabling my inability to move on. I digress, after I graduated I just kept staying in my house unless someone forced me to do otherwise. Most days I spend ruminating about how everything everyone said about me is potentially right. Negative thoughts like that consumed me, and still do if I'm not careful. All I can do is distract myself, use everything at my disposal to just stop thinking. Anime, gaming, exercise, music, it didn't matter what it was as long as it makes it stop. Despite my seemingly uncanny ability to self-sabotage, I have managed to accomplish a few minor things. I've lost close to 60 pounds and I'm a relatively healthy weight now, even if my body composition isn't where I'd like it to be yet. I've got my driver's license even if I'm too anxious to drive for the past few years. For some reason basically everyone I know comes to me for advice or empathy, as if I'm a good metric for life advice. I've been fairly successful in studying Japanese for the past year and a half, even if I'm too insecure to use it. But no matter how much conventional wisdom I follow I'm still insistently crippled by the negative thoughts. The only people in my life to tell me otherwise surely do so out of pity. After all they've all been there from the beginning, all they can see is what was out of my control. I guess being the stereotypical almost 30 loser coupled with the borderline cosmic joke of what last year consisted of for me, I just finally broke. The last time I had this sort of emotional ultimatum feels like forever ago. It always feels impossible for me to be vulnerable to anyone, even in anonymous settings. In what's probably one of the safest places for me to open up, I've had to write this entire mess as detached as possible to stand any hope of even submitting it. Which to be painfully self aware, I probably won't. So here I am, flailing around in an attempt to try and tackle the actual core of my problem which is most likely social anxiety and self worth, but I have no idea what I'm doing.

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