I have no idea what I'm doing
Boy, this is probably gonna be a long one. To start I've never really talked to anyone about my problems offline or online so sorry if this is all over the place. I'll try to give it some semblance of order and formatting.
I'm a 29 year old guy and well, I'm functionally a shut-in. I guess I'll start with how I got to this situation. Around when I was 13 I started getting bullied to the point I was eventually taken out of public school by my parents when I was 16 and put into an online charter school. After that I basically shut myself in my room.
My sister did her best to keep me somewhat social. She would make me hang out with her friends as well as make me keep in contact with a handful of friends I had in school. To this day I still have that same group enabling my inability to move on. I digress, after I graduated I just kept staying in my house unless someone forced me to do otherwise.
Most days I spend ruminating about how everything everyone said about me is potentially right. Negative thoughts like that consumed me, and still do if I'm not careful. All I can do is distract myself, use everything at my disposal to just stop thinking. Anime, gaming, exercise, music, it didn't matter what it was as long as it makes it stop.
Despite my seemingly uncanny ability to self-sabotage, I have managed to accomplish a few minor things. I've lost close to 60 pounds and I'm a relatively healthy weight now, even if my body composition isn't where I'd like it to be yet. I've got my driver's license even if I'm too anxious to drive for the past few years. For some reason basically everyone I know comes to me for advice or empathy, as if I'm a good metric for life advice. I've been fairly successful in studying Japanese for the past year and a half, even if I'm too insecure to use it.
But no matter how much conventional wisdom I follow I'm still insistently crippled by the negative thoughts. The only people in my life to tell me otherwise surely do so out of pity. After all they've all been there from the beginning, all they can see is what was out of my control.
I guess being the stereotypical almost 30 loser coupled with the borderline cosmic joke of what last year consisted of for me, I just finally broke. The last time I had this sort of emotional ultimatum feels like forever ago. It always feels impossible for me to be vulnerable to anyone, even in anonymous settings. In what's probably one of the safest places for me to open up, I've had to write this entire mess as detached as possible to stand any hope of even submitting it. Which to be painfully self aware, I probably won't.
So here I am, flailing around in an attempt to try and tackle the actual core of my problem which is most likely social anxiety and self worth, but I have no idea what I'm doing.
@tskr Hey you managed to post this! That takes courage. It sounds like you’re battling some serious negative self talk. I found Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) really useful for this. If you don’t want to talk to a therapist you can still make some progress. Check out Dr. David Burns two books, “Feeling Good” and “When Panic Attacks.”
Thanks! I thought the hardest part would be hitting submit but it turns out coming back to read a response was harder haha. I'll definitely check out both of those books, thank you for the suggestion.
You are being so, so brave in telling your story here. Thanks so much for sharing. It really does help when it can be anonymous. People here are also really kind because many of us have been in somewhat similar situations.
So this can be a starting point for a new you. What is great is that it doesn't have to be sudden or risky or anything like that. You can go very slowly.
You could start by just posting once a day here about how your day is going. The best way to find a way out of all of this is to try to ignore the big picture as much as possible and focus on small daily changes and tasks.
If you write, I will try to respond daily. Every so often I miss, but I am usually pretty good about it.
So begin by telling me a little more about the things you like to do. Exercise sounds great. @tskr
Thank you for your kind words and being so understanding. This entire process is still embarrassingly terrifying for me, so going slowly sounds like a great idea. So far being able to come back here and not only disprove my negative bias but receive great advice not only once but twice has been an unexpectedly positive experience.
I mostly stumbled upon my enjoyment for exercise out of a desperation to feel better. It's hard to start some days even after it's become a fairly regular habit of mine but when I do it becomes almost meditative since I have to focus entirely on what I'm doing in the present moment. I normally just do calisthenics or strength training with some dumbbells I have in my room.
Rarely I get the courage to go for a run when it's early enough in the day and I feel like no one else is awake yet. Sometimes it makes me anxious but other times it's serene being able to go outside and feel like there's no one there to judge me. Especially as I make my way out of the more densely populated areas and out into the countryside.
It sounds like you handle things a little bit like me. I am not a runner (that would be way too embarrassing due to teasing during PE as a kid), but I do walk outside. We have a small pond across the street and I walk around that. There are sometimes other people, but I have learned to be okay with that because I now recognize most of them.
But it also sounds like your inside exercise is helping center you breathing wise. That can really help with the anxiety and everything. Some people do breathing meditations. You can find lots of examples online. I will admit that I am not particularly good at those myself, but I do like to sing. It has also definitely helped in my healing process. @tskr
To have your own little oasis right across the street from you, honestly I'm jealous! I can relate to the anxiety of attempting to do any sort of physical activity with someone around to watch. I still get anxious when a car drives by or another runner happens to be out at the same time. Especially when I was first starting and my "runs" were much closer to a brief jog followed by a desperate gasping of air.
I've never made the correlation that the exercise forced me to control my breathing until you said it, that's very perceptive of you. Also explains why I tend to use it when I feel like I've lost all control during a panic attack. I'll have to look into breathing meditations as well. Don't feel bad, I'm not great at most things I do but if it helps even a little I'm certainly willing to try.
Music always makes me feel better too. The right song at the right time really is a catharsis like no other. While I certainly don't sing well, I can't help but find myself doing it anyway when I get swept up in the emotion of a song. I'm pretty much all over the place with what kind of music I listen to though. What about you? What kind of music do you like? @bestVase7265
The pond really isn't a huge oasis or anything. It is just a good distance to walk around and see a few birds and flowers. There are a number of people with dogs (and people without) and even some cars, but I usually walk at times where I just run into a few.
What is really interesting about all of this is what works well for one person can be quite different for another. It took me a while to realize that though I wasn't good at meditation (my brain really likes to wander 5 billion directions at once) that I was doing some of the same stuff when I was singing and walking. But most people are very good at meditation and it really helps them.
I do like lots of different kinds of music for listening as long as someone isn't changing the radio station in the car. If I start listening to a piece, I want to hear the whole thing.
As far as singing goes, I will admit that I am different than most people in that I am a classically trained choral singer. I just do it for fun though. It has always been part of my life and was one of my saving graces in getting through public school. @tskr
That makes sense, sounds like the area is just the right size for what you enjoy doing. I have a small lake a few miles away from me as well but I don't visit there often.
I can see how that would be the case. I guess that's also what can make it difficult for people to suggest coping mechanisms for one another, it's fairly unique to the individual. Still the suggestions are nice since a lot of things I wouldn't have thought of trying.
For example I've been reading the first book suggested to me in this thread "Feeling Good" and while I can't logically dismantle every negative thought I have, it does seem to be helping to some degree. I intend to try some of the anti procrastinating tools presented as well.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't guilty of changing a song rather abruptly if I'm not feeling it but I understand where you're coming from haha. I can imagine the formal training helped with your breathing and focus as well. That's good you've found something you enjoy that helps you relax.
I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my long winded responses. Somehow knowing that anyone I talk to in this thread knows about my situation makes deleting the app entirely and throwing my phone into the nearest body of water appealing to say the least.
Overall though it seems to be helping knowing not everyone is going to tear me apart when I talk about my problems. I think I'm going to try to dig up some more courage and start posting in the journaling section. Both to take up less of your time directly and to maybe try and slowly do whatever it is I'm doing here.
You aren't taking up my time at all. I set aside time each night to do this. I really am enjoying reading your posts. You are very thoughtful and I like watching you learn new things that might help out a bit.
To be honest, helping and listening to others on here has been another great healing tool for me. I have made a number of friends on this portion of the site because we do understand one another's struggles and can support one another through those daily challenges that are going to come up. I have been doing it for at least 5 years.
Feel free to share here any time. Every day is working just fine for me. Nothing that you write is too long. Above all, you aren't alone in any of this and you can find a better path for yourself. It isn't easy, but it is really clear that you want to try.
Thanks, It's really easy for my brain to convince me that I'm an inconvenience to anyone I interact with. Actually, it's just really good at convincing me of a whole host of negative things about myself, but between your support and what I've been reading I'm doing better than I was four days ago at least.
It's admirable that you've been an active part of this community for so long. Just having somewhere to support one another seems invaluable. I'm glad to hear it's helped you and others feel better.
To be honest, I don't think I want to go through the anxiety of creating another thread yet. I'm still anxious just doing what I'm doing now, but what I'm doing now feels like a pace I can maintain at least. I frequently overwhelm myself trying to do too much at once, and I don't want to fall into that same trap again.
I can totally get that desire to try everything because you just want it all to be better now. But you are right to go slower and not get overwhelmed.
I basically just stay in this corner of the website and answer posts here. There is so much on here that it can be too much to manage. I found my lane and I like it.
Recognizing that you are a bit better than a few days ago is awesome. I think that with all of this that you need a huge amount of patience and real eyes looking for the least bit of improvement. It all moves at a turtle pace but you do heal. @tskr
I hope that your day today went okay.
It was a little rough to be honest but knowing someone took time out of their day to care takes the sting out of it.
I think challenging my negative thoughts just tired me out. Turns out there's a lot of them. Every one I methodically breakdown is quickly replaced by two more. I didn't think it would actually physically exhaust me. It does seem to be helping though.
Oh, it is very exhausting. It is also a pretty slow process. The key is to focus on every little bit of progress and recognize it as progress. Remind yourself that what you are doing is retraining your brain. Like with any muscle, it takes time.
You can do this and you have already gotten a good start.
Make sure you give yourself time to rest too. Napping is never a negative thing, nor is chilling out for a little while on the computer. @tskr
I appreciate the encouragement and advice. I do have a bad habit of hyper focusing on an end goal instead of noticing the small improvements. Which tends to be pretty demotivating.
Granted to some degree I'm normally tired and unmotivated so I guess just being more tired sometimes is something I can learn to cope with while doing this.
I'll try to remember to give myself some grace during the process though. It's not hard to give to others but when it's towards myself, well that's a different story. @bestVase7265
All of that is so true of depression in general. You never give yourself the grace that you deserve. I don't either. I am also bad at accepting that I need to rest.
What kinds of things do you do to stop thinking about everything for brief intervals besides the exercise? Do I remember you saying something about anime?@tskr
Oh yeah more recently I've really struggled to enjoy anything enough to distract myself but anime and manga used to be a go to for me. My tastes are a little weird but some of the more popular ones I enjoyed were Cowboy Bebop and Mushishi.
Things with a bit of melancholy to them are the types I would gravitate towards. I guess since I never really talked about my problems it was one of the few ways I could feel like someone understood. Music is pretty similar in that regard for me.
I've also watched a few series with my friends who mostly enjoy the isekai genre. Which is basically just any anime about starting over in a new world. They're pretty formulaic, but the overall concept appeals to me for obvious reasons.
I found when I was deep into the hole that much of what I previously enjoyed wasn't working. It took some time experimenting with new things that I hadn't done before to find things that gave me that few minutes away from it all that I so desperately needed.
At first it was coloring books and then later online jigsaw puzzles. And gradually older things that used to help like cooking and singing began to feel better again. But different things work for different people, as I said.
I hope that today was okay for you.
I could see how coloring books and jigsaw puzzles could be a good way to relax while also giving the satisfaction of completing something. I guess I could try something new, it's been a while.
Yesterday was okay. I'm still struggling but at least I feel like I'm getting somewhere. I'm sleeping a bit better and I'm less anxious coming back here.
Any time that you are sleeping a bit better is quite a victory. And getting less anxious is also a plus. Keep up the good work.
If you are feeling particularly bold, you could try some of that walking outside. Remember that even if you see someone, they probably won't remember seeing you at all. Most of us don't even realize that there are people really around us because we are caught in our own world.
Start really, really small with the walks. But if you do them daily like you are getting on here daily then you can get more comfortable with the outside world AND yourself.
If you aren't ready for the walks, you could even sit by a window for a few minutes each day and look outside. @tskr
I'll maybe try walking around or going for a run a bit later in the morning when I'll see more people. Sometimes I forget how little people are actually paying attention to those around them. For now I actually managed to go for a drive for the first time in a long time, it wasn't for long but it's something.
It's kind of a weird sensation using largely the same tools and it obviously helping some of my problems but not obviously doing anything for others. For example I haven't really noticed a difference in my negative thoughts but my anxiety has become somewhat manageable much more quickly. Maybe progress is just slower with some things I guess. @bestVase7265
The negative thoughts part is the hardest one. That starts happening and your brain won't let you see it.
You actually did two excellent things towards fixing negative thoughts in what you just said to me.
One was when you said that you had gotten out into a car for driving (the adding in "but it was short" was the negative part). Doing something that you haven't had the courage to do in a while is a major victory on any front. You just need to remind your brain to recognize it.
The second was even better. You saw that your anxiety is improving. Someone who is dominated by negative thoughts can't even see that the anxiety is getting better. Your recognition is also another sign that your negative thoughts aren't quite so dominant.
I think this is because negative thought training is just plain hard. Sometimes you need other people to point it out to you for a while. But from my end, you are doing a great job in just a few weeks. @tskr
Thanks for the positivity, now that you've pointed it out I can see some improvement there. Discrediting myself for any progress I make still seems to be one of the most difficult things for me to change, sometimes I still don't even notice I'm doing it. On one front I know how hard it can be to even get out of bed when the depression gets bad enough but on the other hand I feel guilty for feeling satisfaction for such simple tasks.
I guess that's the trap though. In not allowing myself to recognize when I do make some progress, I only demoralize myself. Granted even knowing all of this I still feel that way. Suppose that's the difference between knowing something and internalizing it. Just because I have the recipe doesn't mean I can make it the dish.
I think the hardest part for me so far is that even though I do see small improvements, I'm still depressed and anxious during the process. Now I'm just at conflict with those emotions but in addition it's exhausting and what I can only describe as confusing. I don't know, I just want to be better and low self-esteem and my mind's constant compulsion to berate me certainly doesn't help. @bestVase7265
It is exhausting and confusing and all the rest of it that you describe. I also found that I can often been really, really impatient. "If I am doing all this work why is improvement so slow?" It just is.
What helped me the most eventually was three things: 1) repeating to myself that I was getting better even though I couldn't always see it (this is definitely part of the recipe) 2) getting myself outside of the thought process as often as I could by doing stuff like walking and other hobbies. 3) talking to others - therapists, friends, family, people here about how I was doing.
You have all those ingredients. It is just a slow bake. You are going to slowly build confidence and be able to change things. There will be definite setbacks but you are on a better path because you are learning more.
Sending peace tonight.
Hoping that things are going okay. I think about you often.
Thanks for still keeping me in your thoughts. I'm doing okay, I had a bit of a chaotic past few days. Some of them I was just too tired to try and keep up with the cognitive behavior therapy and others I managed to maintain the process.
It's difficult because if I do have a lapse where I can't keep up with it I feel noticeably worse and I sort of just fall back into where I was and it gets harder to get myself to continue.
I'm back at it though after a rough few days and coming back and seeing the encouragement was a nice boost.
It is very much okay to have a few bad days. They aren't fun at all, but they don't break you entirely. You are building yourself stronger and better.
It is great to see you back again. @tskr
Just letting you know that I continue to think about you. My next two nights (Wed and Thurs) are a bit crazy if you write back, but I am always interested to hear how things are going.@tskr
I can now be back more frequently. I hope that things are okay with you.