ttaps20 Member Profile

...See more Hi everyone, I am 43 years old male, married to 42 years old wife. We have 3 kids, 2 daughters (13 & 5) and a son (14). We are religious couple, catholic. Religion is important to us. We were struggling with our marriage during the last years. Every time dedicated to kids, almost no time to building our relationship-no time only for us. No dates, restaurants, just walks together. Only daily routine around kids. I addressed this several times but my wife prioritised kids and taking care of her old father who had health problems. Our relationship was not a priority. My problem was that I was too emotional in conflicts, expressing my emotions. It seems that I was unable to control my emotions. This was influencing my wife very badly during last years. I know now that she is a person that needs gentle care and attention using lovely words. I think that she was very unhappy and unsatisfied. She did not provide me with feedback or I was just blind about this. She resigned, closed to herself and lived our marriage only because of our kids. She closed communication with me, ignored my attempts to reconcile with her. I tried to reconcile with her several times during previous months, but she just ignored me. She is a great mother but as a wife she struggles. She did not prioritise spending time together as couple, doing things together, going out and so on. She also did not provide enough physical love to me, almost no hugging, kisses and sex only few times a month. I realized that my behavior was unacceptable during June 2025 and started behaving politely with care. This confirmed also my wife. My wife is from a family where her father yelled, mother drank alcohol. I think that my wife avoids resolving and communication in conflicts. She shut down/ internal closure several times during years of marriage. She had problems expressing her feelings, needs and concerns. She withdraws instead of addressing issues. There was also one incident years ago: Shut down for a month, trembled at my touch. I have been alone since May 2025, very unhappy and so sad that I suggested divorcing her in September. We have several discussions and agree to divorce one day in September 2025. The next day she changed her mind that she does not want to divorce because of kids and her religious beliefs. She also claimed that She does not love me anymore. I was not aware about her infidelity in that time. I asked her that she behaves like she was cheating. She lied to me, that she did not do such thing. She was cheating! We are having separate bedrooms from July 2025. No sex from April 2025. Then I discovered the affair on October 11, 2025. She promised that she would stop cheating, stop writing messages, calling and meeting with the affair partner. But she was unable to stop the affair, and it continued until October 25, 2025. I gave her an deadline on October 19, 2025, that she must stop cheating or leave our family because she is committing a sin against me, our kids and God. She confirmed that she would like to stay with the family on October 26, 2025 but only because of kids. We agreed that she will have 0-contact with the affair partner, confession at church after few months when she is ready. We blocked the mobile number of the affair partner. I said multiple times that I am sorry for my previous behavior. I have been working on my problem with emotions since June 2025 with psychotherapist. I have been behaving politely and with love to her and our children. She confirmed that I had changed. She was very sad and closed communication with me from October 26, 2025. She claimed that there is “love” between her and the affair partner. But there is no love towards me. Her father died on October 31, 2025. Another bad situation for her. She continued to be absent and isolated till 9.11.2025. Almost no communication with me. I was attending school event on October 11, 2025, and discovered the presence of the affair partner. Wife confirmed on October 12, 2025, that his son is attending school as our daughter. She did not tell me this important fact from the beginning – when we agree on 0-contact with the affair partner. She also confirmed that she contacted him at the school twice recently. She was the active person who started the dialogue with him. Deliberately concealed school connection, a place where she made the first contact with him. She broke our agreement about 0-contact. I asked her several days before the school event if she is in contact with him, she said no – lied to me again. I was totally broken and sad. I emotionally shut down. I do not know what happened, but something happened inside me, serious thoughts that I would like to end the marriage emerged-decided that it was the end. I am considering the divorce after this betrayal on October 16, 2025. I started working on divorce papers. Approached wife with this and provided her with a proposal to divorce, draft of papers to agree on child care after the divorce. She was shocked at first. We had several constructive conversations, and she claimed that would not like to divorce but only because of kids and religious beliefs. She confirmed that she does not love my anymore and She does not know if she would love me again. There are some feelings, she said love, between her and affair partner. She acknowledged her responsibility for affair and that I improved my emotional behaviour. She asked again for time because there are some feelings in her towards the affair partner. She said sorry to me for the betrayal that she did. I lost 4kgs of weight, had sleep problems and could not focus on work during last weeks. Nowadays it is much better but it is not alright. I think that my wife is also feeling better comparing to the date of my discovery of the affair. I am processing fear: "If I give her a chance, she'll betray me again". I am afraid giving her another chance that she would cause me bigger pain. My brain is saying-leave her and my heart-you love her, stay with her.

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