Infidelity after 16 years of marriage
Hi everyone,
I am 43 years old male, married to 42 years old wife. We have 3 kids, 2 daughters (13 & 5) and a son (14).
We are religious couple, catholic. Religion is important to us.
We were struggling with our marriage during the last years. Every time dedicated to kids, almost no time to building our relationship-no time only for us. No dates, restaurants, just walks together. Only daily routine around kids. I addressed this several times but my wife prioritised kids and taking care of her old father who had health problems. Our relationship was not a priority.
My problem was that I was too emotional in conflicts, expressing my emotions. It seems that I was unable to control my emotions.
This was influencing my wife very badly during last years. I know now that she is a person that needs gentle care and attention using lovely words. I think that she was very unhappy and unsatisfied. She did not provide me with feedback or I was just blind about this. She resigned, closed to herself and lived our marriage only because of our kids.
She closed communication with me, ignored my attempts to reconcile with her. I tried to reconcile with her several times during previous months, but she just ignored me.
She is a great mother but as a wife she struggles. She did not prioritise spending time together as couple, doing things together, going out and so on. She also did not provide enough physical love to me, almost no hugging, kisses and sex only few times a month.
I realized that my behavior was unacceptable during June 2025 and started behaving politely with care. This confirmed also my wife.
My wife is from a family where her father yelled, mother drank alcohol. I think that my wife avoids resolving and communication in conflicts. She shut down/ internal closure several times during years of marriage. She had problems expressing her feelings, needs and concerns. She withdraws instead of addressing issues. There was also one incident years ago: Shut down for a month, trembled at my touch.
I have been alone since May 2025, very unhappy and so sad that I suggested divorcing her in September. We have several discussions and agree to divorce one day in September 2025. The next day she changed her mind that she does not want to divorce because of kids and her religious beliefs. She also claimed that She does not love me anymore. I was not aware about her infidelity in that time. I asked her that she behaves like she was cheating. She lied to me, that she did not do such thing. She was cheating!
We are having separate bedrooms from July 2025. No sex from April 2025.
Then I discovered the affair on October 11, 2025. She promised that she would stop cheating, stop writing messages, calling and meeting with the affair partner. But she was unable to stop the affair, and it continued until October 25, 2025.
I gave her an deadline on October 19, 2025, that she must stop cheating or leave our family because she is committing a sin against me, our kids and God.
She confirmed that she would like to stay with the family on October 26, 2025 but only because of kids. We agreed that she will have 0-contact with the affair partner, confession at church after few months when she is ready. We blocked the mobile number of the affair partner.
I said multiple times that I am sorry for my previous behavior. I have been working on my problem with emotions since June 2025 with psychotherapist. I have been behaving politely and with love to her and our children. She confirmed that I had changed.
She was very sad and closed communication with me from October 26, 2025. She claimed that there is “love” between her and the affair partner. But there is no love towards me.
Her father died on October 31, 2025. Another bad situation for her.
She continued to be absent and isolated till 9.11.2025. Almost no communication with me.
I was attending school event on October 11, 2025, and discovered the presence of the affair partner. Wife confirmed on October 12, 2025, that his son is attending school as our daughter. She did not tell me this important fact from the beginning – when we agree on 0-contact with the affair partner. She also confirmed that she contacted him at the school twice recently. She was the active person who started the dialogue with him.
Deliberately concealed school connection, a place where she made the first contact with him. She broke our agreement about 0-contact. I asked her several days before the school event if she is in contact with him, she said no – lied to me again.
I was totally broken and sad. I emotionally shut down. I do not know what happened, but something happened inside me, serious thoughts that I would like to end the marriage emerged-decided that it was the end.
I am considering the divorce after this betrayal on October 16, 2025. I started working on divorce papers. Approached wife with this and provided her with a proposal to divorce, draft of papers to agree on child care after the divorce. She was shocked at first. We had several constructive conversations, and she claimed that would not like to divorce but only because of kids and religious beliefs. She confirmed that she does not love my anymore and She does not know if she would love me again. There are some feelings, she said love, between her and affair partner.
She acknowledged her responsibility for affair and that I improved my emotional behaviour. She asked again for time because there are some feelings in her towards the affair partner. She said sorry to me for the betrayal that she did.
I lost 4kgs of weight, had sleep problems and could not focus on work during last weeks. Nowadays it is much better but it is not alright. I think that my wife is also feeling better comparing to the date of my discovery of the affair.
I am processing fear: "If I give her a chance, she'll betray me again". I am afraid giving her another chance that she would cause me bigger pain.
My brain is saying-leave her and my heart-you love her, stay with her.
@ttaps20
I'm really sorry you are both going through this.
I see you talked along about what you felt your wife was missing out, but then she still initiated an affair, instead of working on things with you.
It's up to you, if you think you can find things another go, for not just the kid's, but for you both.
Marriage isn't easy.
But it's about trust, honest, communication, anxiety working through things together, it's about finding consistent time to have date night's, intimacy is so important in any relationship.
I genuinely wish you both the absolute best 💜💖
@Amanda84, thanks for your words. I know that I was not a good husband. Mu wife deserved better one. But the damage was done. She searched outside of our relationship. I was also unhappy but would never cheat on my partner. I would rather talk, discuss and try to solve the situation with the partner. I was trying to this for months, establishing contact but she just ignored me. We failed both, we did not work on our marriage. At this moment, I am alone willing to save our marriage. My wife is saying, I do not love you anymore. But does she love somebody after few months? Is this a real love or just feelings, emotions, chemicals in her head?
@ttaps20
Only your wife can answer that but she needs to put in the work, for this to work 💖
@ttaps20
There is a lot of pain in your words. I will tell you that it is great to see you were not the best spouse etc. Making positive changes is great and yes, she could love you again. She is also in pain and how long did she wait for you to see there was a problem.
I would suggest looking up limerance. The feelings she is having that seemed to develop fast for her affair partner may be that.
Honestly, I had an issue many years ago with spouse straying and while I could claim I would never do that............ It was only when the situation reversed, I could see the line and how easy it could be to cross. Marriage is hard and we all have times when we are not our best or even realizing how our partner feels. We put things off and think we can keep things on the back burner and pick up like a hobby when we have time or interest again. When I felt ignored unwanted or unimportant I developed a friendship with someone that gave me attention/ compliments / time and it could have been easy to cross a line.
IF you love her, if you want to stay married do it ... do not blame divorce or staying on religion or kids or anything else because at some point it will be just you two and you will need to be strong.
couples counseling and time spent together would help ...Never taking each other for granted and understanding how fragile love is
I am also religious and a Christian (MCGI Christian) and our preacher said that if the partner cheated, you are allowed to divorce them, as written in the Bible.
But you seem to use polite rather than saying the word "kindness." Politeness is not as good as kindness or maybe you mixed up the two. Whatever you did, it did contrivute to the deterioration of the marriage. That is something you can accept, yes? And that you also acknowledge she has a history of a father that yells (vebal abuse) and a mother who is... an alcoholic?
First of all, no matter what, you are supposed to be there for each other. To be each other's shoulder to cry on, to share an umbrella, to be the person's helping hand, and the person's safe space. She must have found that with you that is why she married you. Now, please don't get emotionally charged in what I'm about to say, but the safe space she felt with you was no longer there because of your behavior and it is good that you were working on it, but allow me to humanize her as I relate to her childhood with verbal abuse.
She did cheat, yes, and that is a sin. She knows it is wrong yet she chose it and continued. Let God be the one to judge her. God is compassionate. A merciful and understanding God who sees and fully understands both sides and knows both of your perspectives. It is not good to simply blame you for her resignation and sudden cheating. It is satan who tempts all people. Instead of forgiving you (which a christian should) she cheated on you. She does not love you anymore. Whoever was the man she married, was no longer the same... you changed. She probably no longer felt safe in an environment that you were in. And sought someone else.
She had her reasons, yes, but it doesn't excuse her. You had your problems, yes, but you talked about your perspective in the beginning of your post. It was you and your perspective that you were looking at, but what about how much she endured? The lack of sex, the lack of dates, the lack of time for each other... it is good she endured all that but I guess she just reached her breaking point. You were supposed to be part of her support system but you weren't you anymore, but someone who had the image of her verbally abusive father.
Hopefully you understand her perspective, as God would want you to be compassionate towards your enemy. And if she is your enemy, and your are her enemy, may the word of God guide you both... but there is still free will. To choose life or death... so choose life.
Let her go and let her feel safe in another man's arms, but also repent in front of God. Trust in Him. You didn't choose to cheat which is very good. You also deserve to be acknowledged too. Hopefully you just saw this perspective too. No doubt, she still sinned. And God judges sinners. But pray for her to change and see how things will turn out. She endured you, endure her too. You both sinned. Hopefully you two improve spiritually and be forgiven,
Hello from an MCGI christian ❤️
@VentFreely, thanks for you words. I am responsible for my sins. I asked her for forgiveness. I started working on myself with therapist. Improved myself behaviour. But I am doing also for myself, be better man, better father and one day also better partner.
My wife rejected therapy. She refused it and also would not like to talk about her childhood. Maybe there is some kind of trauma because she is avoiding dealing with healthy “conflict”. She rather closes to inner self and would not communicate at all.
My wife dedicated last years to children, her father and work. Spending time with me was not a priority. I opened this topic several times but she did not listen.
Usually, she was so exhausted after day that she fall asleep in living room at 9:00 pm. I am kind of man that has no problem to help her with household work, cooking and so on. So I helped a lot.
As you said she did not feel safe and maybe also worth. That lover is married and is divorcing. But this is his version that he is dealing with divorce presented to my wife.
At this moment, the problem is that wife is not willing to be with me, she communicates only about children. It seems like she is in prison and I am guard. But she has chosen this. We set agreement about 0-contact with him and she broken this in few weeks.
I cannot control my wife’s behaviour but I can control what she can do to me by setting up boundaries that shall not be crossed. How can I save her If she does not want? She says I would like to stay but behaves differently. No integrity in words and actions. No respect to me as father of our children.
She is being unfair and you stayed with her but she chose someone else. That is her choice. Unfortunately, we can't control her. We can only let go of what we have no control over
@ttaps20,
don't blame yourself over and over. It takes two to tango, and you are not responsible for her issues and behavior.
It's up to her and it's her job to work on herself, not yours, you cannot fix her or "save" her.
It's better to end things as your partner has stated she basically is moving on with someone else who does not have a problem with her affair or ruining a family. Religion and kids are not a healthy relationship or a reason to stay. You're basically sacrificing your happiness for the sake of someone else's. Life is ment to be enjoyed and these dark places reminds us of how bad life can be but its not always bad. I'm sorry you're going through this and I've been a victim of being cheated on as well. I know what it's like to not want to eat, sleepless nights and sickening late night thoughts. The best thing to do is develop a routine that revolves around you and your kids. Also you shouldn't stay out of guilt or maybes. That will just ruin you