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turquoiseOwl2938
1 3,882 M Seeking Light 3
PathStep 10 Compassion hearts25 Forum posts3 Forum upvotes8 Current upvotes8 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2020 Member sinceMarch 21, 2015
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50 Shades of Me is Killing Me.
Disability Support / by turquoiseOwl2938
Last post
 March 29th, 2015
...See more I have to get it out what ever it happens tonight I have to. What you can do ? Hate me ? Kill me ? Sentence me to Jail? Tell me that I am a Sadist? You think I an not human being ? That I do not have a right to live right ? Its okay I understand you and your society. #sick of it. Yes I am sick of it. What do you think I like it. Yes I do. I cant change ? or I wont why should I? You all will be same. I m fighting myself. Im fighting me. Yes you heard it right. Its always a war between what I want to do what my body does what my mind does and what my conscience or my Christ tells me to do. It’s a war. I cant stop my mind from shitting itself. I simply cant. Im control freak , I love to spank , I love to dominate , I love to self harm I love to see others in pain All these makes me forget who I am. Whenever I try to talk it to someone people tell me it’s a phase its nothing don’t talk it in the home . Why ? You think Im happy no im not im not. You want to know what Im fighting yes I told you now im fighing myself. Lets call it 50 shades of Grey in my mind like im fucked up in  50 different ways. I have lost control of my body why it dosnt listens to me anymore. Why im writing this even I know no one will even read it. Its just a post. If my head is a bomb I don’t know why its still ddnt explode. I cant. I have a heart to love but why does it goes behind always behind my mask. I wear a mask always. Im a mask man. On one hand I am a manipulating bastard who cant stop himself. Whos mind is full of sin. Who complains , who blames. On the other hand he is good he loves truly , who creates , who is really sweet. But that mask it covers then all . I don’t know what to do I seriously don’t. I cant draw the picture of my head and whats going on within I simply cant. But those words they are flowing like a river. I hope they can get them out before I get triggered Why I cant be normal. All I ever wanted was someone to love me truly. Why cant you ?
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