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unassumingMango8718
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PathStep 6 Compassion hearts17 Forum posts3 Forum upvotes4 Current upvotes4 Age GroupAdult Last activeMay, 2021 Member sinceMay 3, 2021
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How do I approach my wife?
Relationship Stress / by unassumingMango8718
Last post
 May 17th, 2021
...See more My wife and I have been fighting for the silliest reason - groceries. Yet right now it’s looking like it’s tearing our marriage apart. My wife has no license so I drive us to grocery shop. It’s become the most difficult thing to do now. She believes I have an inherent task of judging and criticizing her and what she buys, that I think she buys too much stuff or too expensive stuff and that she wastes money. I’ve always told her that she should buy whatever we need, and it doesn’t matter to me. But she doesn’t believe me. She thinks I’m out to judge her. And it’s made her feel anxious and unwelcome. Case in point: Last year we went shopping and she wanted to buy 8 boxes of Mac n cheese. I said 8? woah...because we’ve never bought that many before, and started to put it in the cart. She took it as I’m judging her and said fuck you and stormed off. I was shocked and in follow up she said she never felt so judged in her life, and she felt so bad. I tried to clarify that I wasn’t judging and I didn’t know that she felt like I criticize her. It wasn’t my intention and I apologized for reacting the way I did. This was the first in a long series of fights, where I say or do something and my actions are taken as sniping at her. I try saying nothing and she asks me why am I looking at the cart. I try staying in the car and she says the same thing when I’m unloading the car. Even when she’s cleaning out the fridge and I do so much as glance over in her direction she says in judging her. Each time I try to explain I’m not doing or thinking anything negative about her, she doesn’t hear it and instead targets my behavior as abusive and controlling. We got Instacart express so she can shop online without me “judging her” and she says she can’t because she feels too guilty and that I’m checking the bills on what she buys. (Which I don’t. I don’t know why she thinks that.) This past week has been a major fight. We went to the store to buy limes and salt and our son said he wants to get lemons to sell lemonade for a dollar. He goes to get lemons that are more than a dollar (the organic ones), and I tell him that those are too expensive or he won’t make money. She instantly becomes upset and angry and later tells me that I never listen to her and I keep making her feel anxious and that I can do all the shopping by myself because she’s done. I try to explain but she says I’m too much, and I’ve made her feel like this for too long and she’s done. These last few days she hasn’t talked to me and she said it has been so relieving not having to talk to me. When I tried talking to her and asking what she needs from me, the last thing she said was bye and waved good bye to me to tell me to leave. I am at a complete loss. I can’t do everything. I don’t want to. I want her to know that she has more power in this relationship than she thinks. And that I’m not here to criticize or judge, all i want is for her to feel supported. But she doesn’t hear that, and she doesn’t see that in my actions. So what can I do to show her that I just want to be supportive? I’m so devastated and disappointed in myself. I don’t know what I’m doing that makes her think I’m a control freak, and that I don’t support her. I’m trying with all my heart to be a supportive husband. And I’m failing miserably.
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