How do I approach my wife?
My wife and I have been fighting for the silliest reason - groceries. Yet right now it’s looking like it’s tearing our marriage apart. My wife has no license so I drive us to grocery shop. It’s become the most difficult thing to do now. She believes I have an inherent task of judging and criticizing her and what she buys, that I think she buys too much stuff or too expensive stuff and that she wastes money. I’ve always told her that she should buy whatever we need, and it doesn’t matter to me. But she doesn’t believe me. She thinks I’m out to judge her. And it’s made her feel anxious and unwelcome. Case in point: Last year we went shopping and she wanted to buy 8 boxes of Mac n cheese. I said 8? woah...because we’ve never bought that many before, and started to put it in the cart. She took it as I’m judging her and said fuck you and stormed off. I was shocked and in follow up she said she never felt so judged in her life, and she felt so bad. I tried to clarify that I wasn’t judging and I didn’t know that she felt like I criticize her. It wasn’t my intention and I apologized for reacting the way I did. This was the first in a long series of fights, where I say or do something and my actions are taken as sniping at her. I try saying nothing and she asks me why am I looking at the cart. I try staying in the car and she says the same thing when I’m unloading the car. Even when she’s cleaning out the fridge and I do so much as glance over in her direction she says in judging her. Each time I try to explain I’m not doing or thinking anything negative about her, she doesn’t hear it and instead targets my behavior as abusive and controlling. We got Instacart express so she can shop online without me “judging her” and she says she can’t because she feels too guilty and that I’m checking the bills on what she buys. (Which I don’t. I don’t know why she thinks that.) This past week has been a major fight. We went to the store to buy limes and salt and our son said he wants to get lemons to sell lemonade for a dollar. He goes to get lemons that are more than a dollar (the organic ones), and I tell him that those are too expensive or he won’t make money. She instantly becomes upset and angry and later tells me that I never listen to her and I keep making her feel anxious and that I can do all the shopping by myself because she’s done. I try to explain but she says I’m too much, and I’ve made her feel like this for too long and she’s done. These last few days she hasn’t talked to me and she said it has been so relieving not having to talk to me. When I tried talking to her and asking what she needs from me, the last thing she said was bye and waved good bye to me to tell me to leave. I am at a complete loss. I can’t do everything. I don’t want to. I want her to know that she has more power in this relationship than she thinks. And that I’m not here to criticize or judge, all i want is for her to feel supported. But she doesn’t hear that, and she doesn’t see that in my actions. So what can I do to show her that I just want to be supportive? I’m so devastated and disappointed in myself. I don’t know what I’m doing that makes her think I’m a control freak, and that I don’t support her. I’m trying with all my heart to be a supportive husband. And I’m failing miserably.
@unassumingMango8718
This isn't about mac n cheese or lemons, but you likely already know that. It's not even about money or the grocery store.
You're not failing miserably.
You're BOTH failing to communicate.
It would do you a bit of good to research John Gottman's Four Horses of the Apocolypse. Based on your story, I can see that there appear to be a few of these going on between you. Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and even Stonewalling are present.
Since communication is broken in your relationship with her, it is the top priority and a core trait of any healthy marriage. I'd suggest focusing your energy and effort on strategies to address your communication issues. When I say communication, I mean listening AND hearing, but also verbal and non-verbal communication.
Given the fact that stonewalling is present and the both of you appear to be quite frustrated with the other, you may need a non-biased third party to help you both break the walls of communication that you've built. This would mean that you'd likely benefit from a marriage and family therapist -- to help you both learn how to effectively listen, hear one another, communicate, and above all learn how to resolve your differences.
What is sad is that most of the issues you both have with one another are compounded, taken out of context, exaggerated, and misaligned with reality - and it's so bad that it's negatively impacted the health of your connection with one another.
This is not something that can wait and things will just get better by themselves. Unresolved issues, sitting over time, can lead to resentment - which is hard as cement, nearly impossible to remove.
I hope both of you find the help you need and it's successful in reverting some of the issues you face.
You should start by sending her this post! She sounds like she has deep rooted issues and probably needs help to realizing it. I would suggest y’all do Shadow Work as a couple or seek professional help. I wish you the best of luck man but don’t stress yourself out about this. Some time apart is probably what you need too.