unassumingSky7727 Member Profile

...See more WARNING: This is a long read. Hi everyone. I just got out of a 3 year, on and off relationship. He was 35 when we met, I was 21. This was my very first relationship. During our relationship I would feel like I was in a constant state of begging to spend time with him. But whenever he would distance himself, sending clear signs that he didn't want to be together anymore, I would take the hint and pull away, basically going no contact. He would almost always be the one to reach out first when he noticed I was taking the hint and backing off, and he would actively rekindle the relationship and put in effort and be a good boyfriend. Once I trusted him again and relaxed into the relationship, he would withdraw. This cycle repeated, resulting in two official breakups before this most recent final one. It ended a week ago because he has been experiencing extreme depression due to a series of unfortunate life events and no longer cared about me or the relationship. During the course of this relationship, I found out that he had continuously been on dating apps, as well as blatantly telling women that messaged him that he was single. I never confronted him about it (with the exception of one incident of me finding a video of him trying to convince a woman in a bar to kiss him), he never even knew I knew. When I found out, I'd just quietly try harder to earn the attention he was giving to these other women. Eventually I stopped finding evidence of this behavior, and assumed it had stopped. (TRIGGER WARNING: sexual assault) There were also times that I felt violated sexually by him - I would be sobbing and doing everything I could to stop him and he overpowered me. This happened on at least two occasions when he was very drunk, and at least one occasion while sober. I told no one. I still stayed with him after that and just pretended it didn't happen. Maybe he didn't remember these instances or he didn't consider them to be what I consider them to be because I didn't address them directly or because I just pretended they never happened. I had extremely low self worth, obviously. (It felt like) I really loved him, and I helped him through some extremely hard times recently, and would have done absolutely anything for him. He was also there for me and got me through some of my darkest times as well. We both shared intimate details of our lives with each other, and he made me feel like I meant so much to him. When we broke up, it was him that initiated us getting back together, even begging for me back at one point. I can't articulate just how genuine and real this relationship felt. How kind and patient and loving he would be at times - just enough times to keep me hooked onto the hope that we could actually have a future together. Well, after our final break up conversation, I was overcome with so many intense emotions that I had never felt before. Most of all, I was angry. Angry that after giving him everything and trying so so so hard to be someone he would love, it all amounted to him telling me that he doesn't care about me. I was hurt and embarrassed and I felt stupid and used and I wanted revenge, and all of these feelings just finally bubbled over. So I made a Facebook post in private group made for this purpose, just venting and ranting and exposing everything that he did while we were in a relationship because I truly have no one else to talk to. I didn't lie - I only included things that I experienced in the relationship and how those things made me feel. I also said something particularly hurtful accusing him of having a fetish, and called him a douchebag. Others on the post made fun of his appearance, which I didn't join in on. I wanted to hurt and embarrass him as much as he hurt and embarrassed me. I always made it a point to never express anger in a way that wasn't measured and careful, and to never "blow up" at him or come across as the "crazy girlfriend". I was obsessed with being seen as perfect in his eyes, so I'm also struggling with the fact that he thinks I'm an evil monster and that he thinks that what I did is *who I am*. I genuinely loved him so so much and only made the post out of frustration of having nothing to show for 3 years of giving my entire self to him. I absolutely would never want to be in a relationship with him again, but it kills me to know he thinks of me in this way. I feel guilty for doing what I did and for some reason I want him to know that it was a moment born of intense hurt and frustration and that I'm not a horrible person and that I'm sorry. He would withdraw almost every time I tried to talk about anything serious. So it felt cathartic to finally just let loose and let everything out in an unfiltered manner, and to just be honest about my experience to him. I had been lying to my friends about him, lying to everyone, and just clinging onto this relationship because I felt there was enough hope and potential worth clinging onto, and feeling like he was the only person who would ever come close to loving me in a romantic way. It alllllllll boiled over and I attacked him for the first and only time since we met. If you read all of this, thank you. I think it helped a little just to type it all out, as I haven't told a single person about this situation and it's been eating at me. The guilt, compounded with all the usual feelings of breaking up with your first love. How do I cope with this guilt? How do I make peace with knowing I'll likely never get the chance to apologize and explain myself? Does he even deserve an apology? How do I stop the constant chatter in my head about all of this? I'm sure it all seems very silly and petty from an objective view, but it's consuming me and I'm having trouble letting it go. Any and all thoughts welcome.

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