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unicornsandgin
1 71 M Embraced
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts6 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2017 Member sinceMarch 27, 2017
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Can anybody help?
Depression Support / by unicornsandgin
Last post
 March 27th, 2017
...See more Hello, I'll start off with saying that I don't know why I'm here doing this, but I don't have anyone anymore, or anyone who at least understands. I've had Depression and Anxiety since I was 12 (I'm 23 now). I've been on several medications to help this (none which seem to work). My GP is an absolute joke, I've seen 4 different doctors in there and all they seem to care about is sticking to their 15 minute appointment times. I've self-referred to counselling which I'm on the waiting list for. I've had counselling before also which at the time didn't help but after a year or so things started sinking in from our sessions. Also CBT which didn't work for me. I've had chronic stomach pain and digestive issues for the past 7 months which has left me out of work, which has probably contributed heaps to how I feel now. I feel guilty because I can't bring some money in, I can't go outside too far as it causes me lots of pain as well as making me dizzy and usually results in passing out (because of the stomach issues) I wish I could find the words, but I feel like I wasn't meant to be here? Like I wasn't made for the living/working/ the daily grind type of thing. I feel like I missed an induction on life or something. I hope that makes sense to someone at least. I spend most days completely dissociated and most of the time unaware of what's really going on, I'm just in my own thoughts. I don't have any friends, or "friends" that just turn up when they want something. I can't particularly be arsed with them anymore either. I'm fed up of being the one to help others but noone helps me. I know I don't want to live, but I don't plan on doing anything either. I'd just rather not wake up in the morning or whatever. I'm aware of the impacts it would have on other people, but they're not here now when they know I'm struggling. It's just so god damn hard I just want all these horrible feelings and thoughts to leave my head, my body just everything. It's like everything that's good has just been eaten. I'm sure I'm bi-polar but my doctor won't even entertain the idea (they generally just pick out key words from when I tell them how I feel, then focus on that instead). When you've suffered with something for so long, you know your own mind and body, you just know. This isn't depression. It's just a constant war. I'm either "i don't care" or "just kill me" mode. I don't care mode being I'll literally do anything without a second thought. If I want something I'll go get it, even if I have to steal it, I'll spend money I don't have and so on. Just kill me mode just means that. I'll cry for the majority of the day (sorry to my 2 cats) and have low thoughts all day. Nothing lifts my spirits up when I feel like this, even when I force myself to do something I usually enjoy. I realise this is a really long post so I'll end here now, in the hopes I guess of someone being able to help. Thanks for reading if you got this far and sorry if I totally bummed you out. X
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