Can anybody help?
Hello,
I'll start off with saying that I don't know why I'm here doing this, but I don't have anyone anymore, or anyone who at least understands.
I've had Depression and Anxiety since I was 12 (I'm 23 now). I've been on several medications to help this (none which seem to work).
My GP is an absolute joke, I've seen 4 different doctors in there and all they seem to care about is sticking to their 15 minute appointment times. I've self-referred to counselling which I'm on the waiting list for. I've had counselling before also which at the time didn't help but after a year or so things started sinking in from our sessions. Also CBT which didn't work for me.
I've had chronic stomach pain and digestive issues for the past 7 months which has left me out of work, which has probably contributed heaps to how I feel now. I feel guilty because I can't bring some money in, I can't go outside too far as it causes me lots of pain as well as making me dizzy and usually results in passing out (because of the stomach issues)
I wish I could find the words, but I feel like I wasn't meant to be here? Like I wasn't made for the living/working/ the daily grind type of thing. I feel like I missed an induction on life or something. I hope that makes sense to someone at least.
I spend most days completely dissociated and most of the time unaware of what's really going on, I'm just in my own thoughts. I don't have any friends, or "friends" that just turn up when they want something. I can't particularly be arsed with them anymore either. I'm fed up of being the one to help others but noone helps me.
I know I don't want to live, but I don't plan on doing anything either. I'd just rather not wake up in the morning or whatever. I'm aware of the impacts it would have on other people, but they're not here now when they know I'm struggling. It's just so god damn hard I just want all these horrible feelings and thoughts to leave my head, my body just everything. It's like everything that's good has just been eaten.
I'm sure I'm bi-polar but my doctor won't even entertain the idea (they generally just pick out key words from when I tell them how I feel, then focus on that instead). When you've suffered with something for so long, you know your own mind and body, you just know. This isn't depression. It's just a constant war. I'm either "i don't care" or "just kill me" mode.
I don't care mode being I'll literally do anything without a second thought. If I want something I'll go get it, even if I have to steal it, I'll spend money I don't have and so on.
Just kill me mode just means that. I'll cry for the majority of the day (sorry to my 2 cats) and have low thoughts all day. Nothing lifts my spirits up when I feel like this, even when I force myself to do something I usually enjoy.
I realise this is a really long post so I'll end here now, in the hopes I guess of someone being able to help.
Thanks for reading if you got this far and sorry if I totally bummed you out.
X
Hi @unicornsandgin !
Since we're peers, and we're fighting similar battles with depression and anxiety, I've decided to respond.
Firstly, I'm really sorry that you have to fight this and you feel upset. I've been depressed for about half of my life, so I know it mostly means feeling inexplicably overwhelmed.
It's nice you've found 7 cups. It certainly has helped me a lot, so hopefully, it will help you as well. Do not give up on finding the best listener for you. It's a question of many mismatches, but also many valuable chats. You can talk to someone here whenever you need it, the power of venting to someone is a thing. (Apart from listeners, there are also therapists available here on 7cups.)
I comprehend you're somehow a victim to the health care system. In my country, it also has also v. little to do with care (time limitations, referrals needed for an an appointment with any specialist, etc.), so I see how it can be frustrating to seek help. Perhaps you need some changes (dietary, medicine approach, spiritual?) that might help you with your low spirits and your stomach problems? (I have suffered from hormonal imbalance and a few other stuff since forever, so I know being healthy is a battle.) I'm sorry you've been dissatisfied with CBT. However, there are plenty of other types of psychological approach and therapy, e.g. Gestalt, interpersonal, psychoanalysis, and many more. If you want to give something a go once again, you could read about those approaches and go for the one that your intuition suggests you. Checking doctors and specialist internet rankings in your area might be handy, too.
From what you've written, you've become indifferent to things, and I can relate to this feeling very much. It's horrible, but certainly manageable. For me, constant patience has become the key. But for you, it might be something else. Hope you'll find it soon!
My days have either been bad or the lowest of the lowest, but recently, it's all been better for me. Hopefully, it will be better for you soon, too. And, *warning, cheesiness ahead, lol* we're 20-somethings, and we won't be 20 again, so it's worth trying while we're still more capable of changing ourselves, although depression is real and hard to combat. Despite the fact that I'm 23 and depressed and feel as if I were 70 most of the time, I've realised that youth is really worth taking advantage of. You could talk to someone here, find some videos or blogs that'd lift you up. Lots of free stuff on the Net that can be inspirational!
If you ever feel very low and have "just kill me mode", please do mind self-care, don't be on your own. Reach out for help. Talk to someone, anyone who can listen. Shout out that you need company and don't be ashamed to talk.
Depression is real, and tough as hell. But also manageable. I hope you find the strength in you to seek for some changes and finally, it'll all turn out ok for you. <3
Take care!
Since you have 2 cats (you're lucky, I can't have any :( ), I'm sending you some cheering kitties to brighten up your day! (because, cats.)
