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unknownsigh
1 120 M Embraced 1
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts10 Forum posts4 Forum upvotes5 Current upvotes5 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2022 Member sinceNovember 30, 2021
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My Mind: Released #4
Journals & Diaries / by unknownsigh
Last post
 February 14th, 2022
...See more It's been so long since I've felt desired. The idea of someone showing interest in me activates my fight or flight response. On the very rare occasion that I notice someone giving me that look of interest or curiosity, I turn away and remove myself from their existence. It's difficult if I'm attracted to them and feel a good vibe or energy between us. That's when one of 3 things always happens inside this mind and body that I reside in. 1. In a matter of seconds I think, this person is talking to at least 5 other people and you'll have to do an unbearable amount of work to even compete for an ounce of attention from them, it's not worth it. 2. I feel empathy for this person, because I know I have very little to offer them and can't fathom them wasting their time on me. 3. A nervous energy runs through my body and I hear my inner voice plead in a frightened, shivering tone, "Please, No". This is a feeling of devastation, knowing that the pursuit of this person will not end well for me. I don't remember what real love and affection feels like or if I've ever felt it at all. Honestly, I'm not sure I'd know how to accept those 2 things if they were given to me. I'm not even sure I want them. My sadness, loneliness, & unworthiness are the only things that comfort me. I need them. These lyrics from my favorite "comforting" song really sum up a lot of this... "Deliver me into my fate. If I'm alone I cannot hate. I don't deserve to have you. My smile was taken long ago, if I can change I hope I never know." Happy valentines day everyone.
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My Mind: Released #3 (open)
Journals & Diaries / by unknownsigh
Last post
 January 28th, 2022
...See more I wish they'd all forget about me. I want every thought and memory of me to vanish from their minds. If I didn't exist to them, there'd be no obligations or expectations. No, where have you been, why don't you. I don't want anyone to rely on me for anything. I don't want them to want to be proud of me. Right now, I just want my life and only me. Solo. Plot twist: I know I'd bust into tears if I was genuinely comforted, but only if no one knew and only by one whom doesn't exist. The Nameless One.
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My Mind: Released #2 (Open)
Journals & Diaries / by unknownsigh
Last post
 January 21st, 2022
...See more "We all live different lives." You've probably heard some version of this before, but have you really thought about it? No two people have experienced life exactly the same. Yes, this is an obvious statement, but I often find myself wondering what life must be like for others. I never dated throughout my adolescence. I wasn't invited to parties or parking lot hangouts. The only times I was asked if I had plans for the weekend were when there wasn't really much to talk about. You know the whole, "It's finally Friday! Long week huh? You planning on doing anything this weekend?". There wasn't any intent besides small talk. On the other hand, I only asked out one person and got rejected. Huge blow to my entire being. Yep, never doing that again. That's what I told myself. I didn't feel like I belonged to any of the groups or cliques, so I never tried getting to know any of the people in them. I wonder what life was like for the people born into and raised by caring, nurturing parents who were financially, intellectually, and emotionally successful. What's it like to have always felt loved? Financially supported? Popular? Physically attractive and desired? What's college like? What's it like to be in a fraternity or sorority? What's it like to feel accepted by others? *Sigh* What's it like to feel good about yourself? These are questions I think about from time to time. We all have our own problems, circumstances, things to deal with, and we always will but... What's it like not missing out on life as it's happening?
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My Mind: Released #1 (Open)
Journals & Diaries / by unknownsigh
Last post
 January 21st, 2022
...See more Well, I'm doing this. All the things I feel need to be flushed from the chaotic whirlwind that is my mind will be inscribed here, and possibly imprinted on you. There will often be little to no organization to these thoughts, as they will be released at or near their time of inception. You will find at times these posts to be carefully constructed in an articulate manner, whilst others are more abrupt. Whatever the case, randomness is inevitable. Feel free to read at you leisure and proceed to the next article of your choosing or share your thoughts, whichever suits you in the moment. I may or may not reply, it's nothing personal. For once in my life I'm doing something, this, for me.
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