My Mind: Released #4

It's been so long since I've felt desired. The idea of someone showing interest in me activates my fight or flight response. On the very rare occasion that I notice someone giving me that look of interest or curiosity, I turn away and remove myself from their existence. It's difficult if I'm attracted to them and feel a good vibe or energy between us. That's when one of 3 things always happens inside this mind and body that I reside in.

1. In a matter of seconds I think, this person is talking to at least 5 other people and you'll have to do an unbearable amount of work to even compete for an ounce of attention from them, it's not worth it.

2. I feel empathy for this person, because I know I have very little to offer them and can't fathom them wasting their time on me.

3. A nervous energy runs through my body and I hear my inner voice plead in a frightened, shivering tone, "Please, No". This is a feeling of devastation, knowing that the pursuit of this person will not end well for me.

I don't remember what real love and affection feels like or if I've ever felt it at all. Honestly, I'm not sure I'd know how to accept those 2 things if they were given to me. I'm not even sure I want them. My sadness, loneliness, & unworthiness are the only things that comfort me. I need them.

These lyrics from my favorite "comforting" song really sum up a lot of this...

"Deliver me into my fate. If I'm alone I cannot hate. I don't deserve to have you. My smile was taken long ago, if I can change I hope I never know."

Happy valentines day everyone.