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warmheartedteddybear
1 65 M Embraced
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts13 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes7 Current upvotes7 Age GroupAdult Last activeApril, 2023 Member sinceApril 21, 2023
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I feel so alone in this
Trauma Support / by warmheartedteddybear
Last post
 June 18th, 2023
...See more And it's not the kind of loneliness that is alleviated by knowing there are others like me. It's not the kind of loneliness that is alleviated by knowing this is valid, it's okay to feel. Will I ever not feel alone? What if this is all there is, forever? I was going to write out a whole thing explaining all or at least most of the harm I remember suffering during my whole life from childhood to adulthood so I could try and get others' opinions, on whether or not I was right. I could only really get to age 12 before breaking down crying. I wasn't even touching on every specific incident that comes to mind, yet. It just upsets me, you know? I know what happened to me was *** up. I know it wasn't my fault. And yet... and yet. I still wonder if there was something I could have done to make my parents not hate me. Oh they "loved" the idea of me, sure, I was the model child for so long until I finally broke down and my grades rapidly fell and I was no longer important enough to show off to friends. Now I'm an adult. But I never felt loved. I never felt safe. Was there something wrong with me? Was I just deeply messed up? Was that why my parents hated me? Logically I know my parents' behavior was messed up, but emotionally I cannot process it. What if I was scared of nothing, all this time? What if this is normal? What if this isn't real? Can I even rely on my memory, which in recent years has become so vague and untrustworthy? It hurts. It hurts. How do I make it better? How do I know that I can process this? How do I explain any of it? How do I deal with it without breaking down? Will I ever be able to move on? Am I just forever broken? Is there something deeply, horribly wrong with me that nothing not medication nor therapy nor introspection can fix? Because to me, if all this was real, if all this was truly as it feels, if I was right all this time, what then? What do I do then? How do I cope with the enormous sense of grief and betrayal from people who should have kept me safe? What do I do with that? What gave them the right to do all that? Why did any of this happen? Why did I always have to feel so... alone? Unsafe? Why? How do I deal with it, if there was no rhyme or reason to it and I was deeply hurt anyway? I was always such a sensitive, crying child. I still am, I feel, just with lankier limbs and a future that I don't know what to do with.
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