I feel so alone in this

@warmheartedteddybear

Telling others about it would help which you are already doing. Writing down your thoughts and feelings in a journal can help too. The road to healing is forgiving not for others but for yourself. It is not forgetting about the trauma you went through. Trauma shapes a person so does your childhood. There is nothing wrong with you. It is normal for people to seek the love of their parents. It is wired in us. The road to healing is hard and sometimes it feels like there is no progress at all. I would say to see a therapist. They probably have more ways to help you get better.

You clearly carry a heavy burden. Your traumatic childhood magnified by your sensitivity and huge need to be loved, that your parents were not able to satisfy. They sound narcissistic BTW. Look up being raised by narcissistic parents to see if it resonates.

The only way forward is to feel compassion to yourself and forgive yourself. Accept how you are. Forgive other too. Live in the here and now rather than in the past. Take what life offers now and make the best use of it. Of course easier said than done.

A good therapist will help you. Good loving friends will help you too. You need to surround yourself with good positive people. Sending encouragements.

@warmheartedteddybear

You have been through a lot and i know it hurts a lot. I can't say that life is fair, cause it's just not how it works. Whatever you're feeling, don't beat yourself up for it. All you're emotions are valid. You just haven't been able to find something or someone who can help you with it.
Don't give up though. Your experiences, your thoughts and emotions. No one can say that its wrong to feel that way.

Take small steps and try asking yourself one at a time. Try making amends with yourself one at a time. Whatever you think floats your boat. If you're afraid to see a therapist, find a friend who you can trust. If not, then a relative or a family member. But if none, then, retrace your steps and try again.

Remember that there will always be someone there for you, who'll love you, appreciate you, understand you and cherish you. Don't lose hope!

I hope this comment from a immature teen helps you in any way ^^

I have been talking with and dealing with many whom like you have questions about why

or even if they are remembering items as clearly as they think they do.......

life has many vantage points .... i do not think and hope many parents do not start out to do things that later in life many look back on as hate or abuse ........

Look around and see how parents show off an honor student or an athlete etc. for decades ..... if your parents expected too much or put pressure for thsi it is like keeping up with others. it is easy to get sucked into this and doubt they planned or thought of the pressure the child endures.

IMO All parents make serious errors in judgement most advice and such for parents is from other humans who are not perfect as well......... when questioned by an adult child they often do not remember events in the same way either ....... whose recollection is correct ? depend on your viewpoint.

Many feel alone throughout life ......... I do .............as many things people do that we cannot understand or process.... parents, spouse, kids, friends, coworkers......... we never get to know their motivation or they real reason as if looking back they might not even know why in hindsight.........

There is a phrase a couple of friends heard from therapists that "people do the best they can with what they have "

i thought it was an excuse but when i think deeply about it some people do make decisions without complete information or thought of how it affects others in the long run etc. ............. they do not see the downfalls and failure in their theory until it happens ........and damage is done

i admire your strength to journal and ask yourself questions about memory issues or considering you may need more information.....

Loneliness; is subjective (NOT objective). I think it is brave that you accepted your choice to remain alone. Often times, as single unwed mother, I like the interdependency of being able to do anything I need to complete throughout my days; at work, college, running errands, etc.

…and the need to feel belong; is a normal

experience especially as single parents, in late 30s age demographics, and even as an Asian American single woman living in a urbanized community of already settled married neighborhoods. As an extrovert, I cure my loneliness by time managing my planners that I’ve always utilized ever since I was an underage kid. Staying busy; whether attending seminars, conferences, meetings, parent network socials (like Yelp Elite biking events for parents in the area) allows me to meet other women experiencing the same circumstances in life I am going through and even though I might not know them personally per se; I can at least find comfort in the fact that I have a sense of belonging to similar groups that can identify what I am going through or also seeking to find a similar networking venue to attend; while being a full time single parent in a very busy world. Establishing a new bridge to friendship with new people isn’t as easy as it used to be when you were younger. Like in grad school, no one has time to. And you can’t just trust a stranger. Sometimes people misunderstood a person they don’t know and have bias or misconceptions about whom they are.

I hope you find time to preoccupy yourself with more tasks than delegating how to cope with your loneliness. You are not alone. You will always have God (if there is a finite being) that will carry your one footprint on the beach. I hope by reading these threads you find comfort in others’ experiences and advices, polite opinions, and don’t feel too lonesome. Sometimes it is better to be alone that be around terrible company of others; especially the ones that do not really genuinely care. Have a peaceful Sunday+. Stay positive