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winterrose316
118 M Embraced 1
PathStep 2 Compassion hearts8 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes6 Current upvotes6 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 2021 Member sinceOctober 19, 2018
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Anxiety is ruining my life
Anxiety Support / by winterrose316
Last post
 March 10th, 2020
...See more Hello! I've never posted on here before, I'm not quite sure how this works haha. I just need help, and maybe the internet isn't the best place to get help but at this point I don't know what to do, and I know so many of you are so incredibly kind. I've always known I was a bit more on the anxious side, however it didn't really get bad until July of 2018. It first manifested in intense derealization and depersonalization (which I still have on a daily basis). I hate to compare pain, I feel like it is so subjective, and I don't want to equate what I am dealing to such extremes when others might be suffering from much worse, but this is truly hell. I feel so disconnected from myself, from the minute I get up in the morning my feet never truly touch the ground. I'm floating all day, my body is a separate entity from myself, I hardly make the connection to who I am anymore. It's so hard to find a way to connect this with some tramautic event, but even though I have been under stress in the last couple of years I don't know what triggered this. Now its not only just derealization, but really bad anxiety. I feel like I am watching my life slip by. I'm 17, turning 18 this month, which is something I am incredibly hesitant about. I always imagined what I would be like at that age, and I never once thought I would be like this. How I feel changes every day, but one thing remains the same- I barely feel anything. I try so much to bring about any emotion, I listen to sad music or nostalgic music, I go outside in the sunshine, I watch old family home videos. Sometimes I do feel from this, but its like a deep ache in my stomach, and my heart feels heavy. I am a junior in high school and so this year is very stressful with upcoming college things, and people constantly asking you questions like "Do you know where you want to go?" "What do you want to do?" And I have no answer to these questions. I have never personally been to fond of the idea of taking medication, but its getting to the point where I just want to feel again. I went to the doctor a couple of months ago because I thought I was having a heart attack, but it was a panic attack. I still feel these effects when I am particularly anxiousThe doctor told me to cut things out of my life that were making me stressed. The things she told me to cut are all things that I need in my life, like dance and music theater. For so many years I have kept myself so busy, I don't know what I would do with extra time haha. My mom is very hesistant to discuss the idea of anxiety, for some reason its like she is trying to be secretive when talking about it, almost like she doesn't think I know I'm an anxious person. My dad and his side of the family are very conservative and I don't know what his stance on mental illness is, but I don't think it's particularly accepting. I need help. I have been feeling disconnected and like life is a dream for 10 months. I can't have this be my life. I feel like I'm wasting each day. This is random (this whole thing has been a ramble) but I was thinking a few days ago about having children when I'm older (something I've always wanted) but I know deep down that I will never bring a child into the world when I am not mentally healthy, I can't questions my child's existence. I've got to figure these things out. My memory has been very bad recently. Over spring break I went to Italy and it was the best trip of my life (even though I felt incredibly disconnected) and even looking back on it some of the details feel incredibly hazy. I have always been a nostalgic person and it really sucks because I feel so disconnected to myself when I look at old pictures. My vision is also kind of affected by it, and I'm just now starting to drive more, which is kind of scary. Sorry that this turned into the longest ramble ever and I understand if no one reads it but I just feel like writing and taking these thoughts from my brain and putting them out there is so incredibly important. I have no one to talk to about this, and it builds up after a while. Ahh sorry that this was so long, but if you made it to the end thank you. I hope that if you are dealing with anything right now that you find comfort in knowing that someone understands. Thanks!
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